Beautiful stranger
by Endofme46
Summary: As the billionaire owner of Rizzoli enterprise, Jane is use to getting what she wants, and Maura is no exception.
1. Chapter 1

AN-The Jane and Maura in this story have totally different personalities then on the show. And I hope you guys like it.

As the minutes pass by the more nervous I get, I have my first job interview and frankly its about time. I finished college eight months ago ready to concur the world, and hadn't heard a word back from any place I had applied, until two days ago, when I received an email from Rizzoli enterprise. I was to meet with J. Rizzoli at nine, it was precisely 8:56, and my nerves were showing. I had to get this job, I moved to Boston nearly five months ago hoping to have better job opportunities, since nothing had fallen in place yet I had used up most of the inheritance my parents had left me, this was my chance.

"You can go in now Ms. Isles." The lady at the front desk says.

I stand on shaky legs, silently praying that this guy hires me.

I push the door open expecting to see an older man, but stopped in my tracks when I see a younger, tall dark haired woman, dressed in black slacks, black jacket, and red button down shirt. I'm almost positive I stood there like a fool with my mouth agape until the door closing caught my attention, and I jumped.

"Ms. Isles I presume?" The lady asked with a slight smirk.

"Um...yes." I replied, knowing I had already screwed this interview up.

"Jane Rizzoli."

I place my hand in hers, and an odd feeling came over me. I withdrawal my hand hurriedly, my heart racing.

"Come sit." She waves me towards the chair across the room.

I catch myself admiring the massive amounts of books lined on the back wall as I sit down.

"William Hazlitt once said books let us into their souls and lay open to us the secrets of our own." She says when catching my gaze. "Do you like to read Ms. Isles?"

"Yes. I love how reading will draw you into a whole new world." I say, and I want to smack myself for saying to much when it was a simple yes or no answer.

"I couldn't agree more." She replied.

I wait rather fidgety as Ms. Rizzoli looks over my application, I hope the time it's taking her is a good sign.

"Where were you previously employed Ms. Isles.? She asks, without looking up from the papers.

"Um...I haven't been employed anywhere, if I were to get this job it would be my first." I answered embarrassed.

"And do you know anything about investing and marketing?" She asked the irritation showing.

"Yes, I graduated top of my class at Georgetown university." I said with a smile.

She looks over my application for a few more minutes, and finally looks back at me, getting up from her chair.

"I'm going to look over your application some more, and I'll get back to you when I get finished."

I knew that was my sign to leave, and that I'd never hear back from her, my hopes of getting a job today plummeted. As I stood to leave she holds out her hand to me again.

"It was nice meeting you Ms. Isles."

I frown at her, but shake her hand again, and that odd feeling coming back.

"Ms. Rizzoli." I say, hoping my disappointment shows.

I remove my hand from hers and walk to the door with confidence, I won't let this bring me down. There's other greater opportunities out there.

I'm surprised when she beat me to the elevator outside her office. Nothing is said between us while we wait for the doors to open, and I want to take another look at this beautiful woman that ruined my hopes of getting a job today, but I won't risk it.

When the doors open we both step in.

"First floor Ms. Isles?"

"Yes ma'am" I reply. I can't help but see the smirk she gives as she pushes the button.

I hold tight to the railing of the elevator as we make our way down, I can't stand elevators, when it stops I close my eyes to avoid the dizzy spell I get every time, but I still feel myself sway a little. When I feel hands on my shoulders my eyes fly open, and I'm looking into a pool of brown eyes.

"Are you alright?" Her voice is soft for the first time today, and I feel myself start to blush.

"Yes, I just don't like elevators." I murmur.

When the doors open seconds later I remove myself from her grasp, and quickly walk out. Willing my heart rate to slow down. I don't look back as I make my escape, but tense when I hear her voice again, until I realized she isn't speaking to me.

There is a very elegant woman dressed in the lobby who turned when her name was called, I risked looking back then regretted it when I watched the well dressed woman reach Jane Rizzoli, and kiss her right there in the middle of the lobby. I was jealous all of the sudden with no reason to be. jealous over a woman, a woman I don't even like, I don't even like women. I stopped in my tracks as all these thoughts came to mind. Attraction that was the odd feeling I got. But that couldn't be right can it?

I look back at this woman, she was smiling and every part of me wished it was me she was smiling at like that.

I chalk all these weird feelings up to depression.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later when walking home in the pouring rain because my stupid car decided today of all days to quit working on me, i decide this is the worst week I have ever had. First my job interview went south, I locked myself out of my apartment the day after that, and today my car died on me.

When I don't think it could get any worse an expensive car pulls up next to me, the passenger door opens, and i see Jane Rizzoli. The person who started my down fall.

"Get in." I hear her raspy voice, i want to refuse, but I don't see this rain ending anytime soon. I climb in, and slam the door.

"Put this on." She says, holding out her suit jacket.

I look at it, and know my wet shirt would ruin it.

"No thank you, I'm fine."

"This car won't move until you put this on Ms. Isles."

I look at her then, and know she isn't joking. I grab the jacket and put it on. I didn't realize how cold I was until I did, I start to shiver when she pulls into traffic again.

"Thank you for picking me up." I say, hoping she doesn't hear my teeth chatter.

"It's my pleasure Ms. Isles." She says, reaching over to turn the heat on.

"I thought people like you had drivers." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. My face burns with embarrassment.

She shrugs, not answering.

I focus solely on the rain that's pouring down for the rest of the drive, and listen to the music that's playing quietly in the back ground, oddly surprised to hear one of my favorites, adorable one by lee Moses. I smile. When we pull up to my apartment building I'm surprised, I never gave her my address.

"How do you know where I live?"

"It was on your application Ms. Isles." She smiles at me, and my breath catches. She's absolutely breath taking when she genuinely smiles. "Where's your car?"

"A few miles down from where you picked me up, and please call me Maura there's no need to be so formal now."

"I'll have Harrison, my driver, get it back to you." Her eyes were now dancing with humor.

"I'm sorry I said that."

She shrugs again, and looks out the front window at the rain like its no big deal.

"I'll get my car towed. You don't have to worry about it, but thank you."

She picks up her phone from the console, types a few things in, and then turns back to me.

"Harrison will have it here in twenty minutes."

I know I should thank her and get out of the car, but a huge part of me wants to spend more time with this gorgeous woman.

"Do you always listen to older music?" I ask, as another older song begins to play.

"Not always. I like music that means something, when you can feel it deep in your soul. What about you Ms. Isles, what type of music do you like?" She asks, ignoring my request to use my first name.

"I listen to mostly country, depends on what kind of mood I'm in."

"What kind of mood are you in right now?" She purrs in a soft voice.

She puts her hand on my thigh and I feel a shiver run up my spine. I'm to stunned to answer. The heat I feel from her hand is radiating to other places of my body, places I never imagined would stir because of a woman. But then she removes her hand and smiles at me. I let out a sigh of frustration.

"Tell me about yourself Ms. Isles, there's only so much I can get from an application."

I can't seem to answer her, it's like my brain has shut off, I fumble to put a sentence together.

"I...um...I'm not sure what to say." I begin. "My life is rather boring compared to yours."

"I doubt that very much. Tell me about your family."

"Well, I was adopted, I was never close to my parents." I didn't want to get into what my parents did or the money they had. That's why I moved out here, so I could get a job on my own without my parents money to make what I wanted possible.

"And what about brothers and sisters?"

"I was an only child. What about your parents?" I ask, to get the subject off me.

"My father took off when I was 10, my mother raised us, me and my two brothers, by herself for a long time." I can see her eyes alight with fury when she mentioned her father. Her look scares me, her face is dark with resentment, maybe I'm reading her wrong. I'm to nervous to ask.

She abruptly gets out of the car, and walks around to open my door. When I step out I notice the rain is coming down harder. Why didn't I notice this before?

"Go on up, I'm going to help Harrison with your car." She's almost yelling at me over the sound of the rain. That's when I notice a tow truck and my car. The minutes passed by without me realizing it.

"I'll help, it's my car."

"No, go inside I'll find you when we get finished."

She has that hard look about her again, and against my better judgment I turn around and walk inside my apartment building. But don't go up.

A few minutes later I see her make her way up the steps to my building. Still trying to understand these feelings she's stirring in me every time I'm near her.

"You need to get out of these wet clothes or you'll catch a cold." She says as soon as she comes in and spots me.

"I was waiting until you two were finished."

That's when I look down and notice both of us are leaving a puddle on the floor.

"Come on." She says.

She leads me to the elevators, leading me to believe she knows more about where I live then what was ever on my application.

The rid up was silent, when we step out I'm silently praying some miracle happened while I was away, and the mess I left this morning has been clean. When I open the door the mess is still there.

I make my way to the linen closet trying to ignore the way she looks at my apartment, pull out two towels, hand her one and begin to pat dry myself while she does the same.

I usually long for the silence my apartment gives, but with her here it feels unnatural.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." She answers.

"Why didn't you hire me?" I ask, still baffled by her brush off a week ago.

"What gave you the impression I'm not going to?"

"The quick brush off you gave me last week, and it doesn't take a week to go over an application, one you've already looked over."

She squints her eyes and ponders my question, then shakes her head. "I need someone more experienced for the job."

She keeps eyeing me, challenging me to say what's really on my mind. Unfortunately I don't.

Im definitely disappointed in that answer. It bothers me to know most companies want people with years worth of experience, not someone fresh out of college.

"You need to get out of those wet clothes."

Setting the towel down she starts towards the door, but turns around once more before opening the door. "And if you need help finding a mechanic for your car call me, there's a card with my cell number in the jacket pocket. I'll see you later Maura."

And then she leaves. Leaving me stunned in her departure. I smiled when it registered that she said my name. and then I remember I still have her jacket on.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days I ride the bus to put in applications and while searching for cheap mechanic's to look at my car. So far I've found no one that will even come to my apartment building to look at it, without it costing me $300 just for that. That's why on day four I find myself fishing out that card and dialing the number, on the third ring I hang up disappointed.

I sigh when I set my phone down on the arm of the chair next to me. I feel like my luck is going to continue to go south, I hate this feeling. My phone rings suddenly, startling me.

"Hello?" I answer hesitantly.

"You called, Ms. Isles."

That voice immediately starts the butterflies in my stomach.

"Yes...I need help with my car." Now that she was on the phone I was nervous about asking for her help.

"I'll have someone go take a look at it in say an hour? Is that ok?"

"Yes! It's perfect." I really should tone down my enthusiasm a few notches.

"Look I've got to go, but I'm really glad I can help Ms. Isles." I grip the phone little tighter, I didn't expect to hear that from her.

"Thank you." I say.

After I hang up I decide to tidy up my apartment, and settle on not worrying about a job. Everything always falls into place I just have to learn to be patient.

I look out the window a few times, but each time not finding anyone at my car. The hour goes by and the disappointment sets in again.

Two hours later as I'm sitting down to eat dinner, my door bell rings. To my surprise Jane rizzoli is standing at my door looking quite different from the last time I saw her. Her blazer and slacks had been replaced with a t-shirt, and dark jeans. But that mesmerizing smile is still right there.

"Your car is fixed Ms. Isles." She says.

"How much do I owe your mechanic?" I ask, hoping it's not to much.

"How about dinner tomorrow night?"

I feel my mouth fall open. She's expecting me to go out with some strange man.

"Um...no just ask him how much he wants, and I'll pay."

"That's the payment I want Ms. Isles, I fixed your car."

I'm caught off guard by her reply.

She crosses her arms and flashes an amused grin. "So about dinner?"

"Maybe." I smirk.

She nods. "Why don't you think it over, and I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Ok." I manage to get out.

She starts to walk towards the elevators, but stops midway and turns back towards me, she gives me a wave, a grin on her face. A smile spreads across my face as I shut the door.

When she calls the next day I agree to dinner and then rush to find something to wear. I sigh with the contents of my closet, but eventually decide to go simple with a nice shirt and jeans.

When she rings my door bell, I open it nervously. "Hey, you ready?" She says flashing a gorgeous grin.

"Yes." I say breathlessly.

"So where are we heading?" I ask as we walk outside.

"You'll see when we get there." She replies walking me over to a car, different then the one she was in when she picked me up.

She opens the door for me and I get in. I watch her run to her side, and get in as well. She starts the car and we set off. I don't want to risk saying something I'll regret, so I stay quiet and listen to the music she has playing.

My curiosity grows when we pull into a parking garage. She parks and gets out. She's at my door before I can step out. She holds our her hand for me to take and I do. She leads me to a door where she types in a code and then the door opens. We take an elevator up to the last floor, and when the doors open she steps aside to allow me to enter first. I look up at her and see an amused grin on her face.

"Thank you" I say quietly as I enter.

I let out a small gasp as I take in the tall, ceilings that reveal a second floor.

"This is amazing." I say aloud.

"This is my apartment." She says.

I look around some more. I can't believe this is her apartment.

"Come." She says gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Whatever's cooking smells wonderful." I comment.

"Well, let's hope it tastes as good as it smells."

"Did you cook it?" I ask.

"My grandfather was a chief, I picked up a few tricks."

"What's your favorite dish?"

"Pizza."

"Pizza doesn't count as world class cooking." I exclaim.

"Never underestimate the culinary importance of pizza, Ms. Isles" she tells me with a sardonic smile."

She pours us both some chilled champagne.

"Follow me." She leads me by the hand to another room. This room just as spectacular as the rest of the house. A part of me is expecting that woman she was with to come strolling out any moment.

"Who was that woman you were with after my job interview?" I ask.

"A friend."

"A friend?"

"She's a friend now."

"How long did you date her?" I ask nonchalantly.

"We didn't date, we lived together."

"Doesn't that mean you dated her?" I ask.

"I don't date Ms. Isles."

"I'm not understanding you." I say, clearly confused. Lesbian relationships work the same as strait relationships, or so I thought.

"I'd rather show you, but I think you're the type of girl that would require a few more dinners before that happens." She says.

I stare at her trying to figure out what she means. "Can you elaborate?" I finally say.

"I'm not use to explaining myself to anyone...But I like you." She opens her mouth to say something else and then stops.

"What?" I notice her slight hesitation.

"It's nothing, really. Do you dance Ms. Isles?" She asks, as she takes the glass from my hand and sets both her and mine on a small table next to her.

I'm taken back by her abrupt change of subject.

"No, not much why?" I ask.

"Fredrick neitzsche said we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. Let's not let this day be lost Ms. Isles." She says, holding out her hand waiting for me to take it. Her smile is so innocent it should belong to a girl scout. I nod, and place my hand in hers.

She leads me to an open area. "But there's no music." I say. She smiles, pulls out her phone, and in an instant there's music playing.

She pulls me towards her, I wrap my arms around her neck to keep my balance, her hands move to both sides of my waist, we start to dance, a slow sway back and fourth. My body starts to react being this close to her. I feel hot, anxious...and aroused. I pull back to keep some distance between us.

"What song is this?" I ask, trying to clear my mind.

"It's called silhouette, by aquilo."

"I like it." I say.

Before I know what's going on she pulls me toward her as she did earlier, but this time, she presses her lips against mine. I wrap my arms tighter around her neck, my body demanding to be closer to her. Before long my mouth opens allowing her inside. Her hands make their way underneath the back of my shirt. I feel lightheaded, tingles running up my spine, as her fingers trace circles on my lower back.

All to abruptly she pulls away. "Maura." She whispers in my ear. I look up at her. She leans down and rest her head on mine. "You need to go, because if you stay here another minute, I am going to be trouble for you." she says, her tone dangerously low. I nod, unable to force any words out of my tight throat.

I walk towards the elevator, as I feel the tears start to form in my eyes, and I try to fight them back. I look back and Jane is no where in sight, and for a moment I feel as if she's been toying with me this whole time, but then I think maybe she knows I'm not a lesbian. It's when I make it down to the parking garage that I remember I didn't drive myself here. I pull out my phone to call a cab when an SVU pulls up and a guy gets out, and walks towards me.

"I was instructed to drive you home Ms. Isles." He said, as he got near.

I just nod, and walk with him towards the car. As he drives me home all I think about is her, and the tears I held back stream down my face, and I don't understand why.


	4. Chapter 4

The next several days I try to contact her with no response. Each time I call it goes straight to voice mail, if my text are going through she must be ignoring them. I want to apologize for my actions. I want to let her know I don't hold any ill feelings towards her now.

To my surprise three days later I get a phone call from a Melody Spencer with a job offer at Rizzoli enterprise. A huge part of me wants to decline after everything that's happened, but I really need a job.

The next morning I find myself standing in the lobby of the first floor of Rizzoli enterprise, lost on where to go. I should have asked for more information in that phone call.

After giving my name to the receptionist at the front desk, she sends me to the third floor, where theres an activity of people, papers, and desk. I stand frozen for several seconds.

"You must be Maura?"

I turn in the direction the question was asked. And find the woman I had seen with Jane in the lobby the day of my interview.

"...Yes." I manage to get out.

"I'm Melody Spencer, follow me." She says.

She leads me to a small cubicle. Smaller then my bathroom at home, I shouldn't have expected anything more.

"I was told you should know what to do." She says. Her irritation showing, and wonder what she knows about me.

"Yes." I say again.

She walks off, and I sit at the desk. I should feel ecstatic that I finally have a job, but I don't.

I sit quietly for the next few hours mindlessly plugging numbers into the general ledger, as the activity around me continues.

I go on search for the break room when I need coffee, hoping they have one. When I find it the door closes and it's finally quiet with only one woman in here.

I find the coffee pot and cups, and let out a sigh when I take my first sip.

"You must be Maura isles?" The lady in the room asks.

I turn to look at her. "Yes, that's me." I say, and smile.

"I'm Heather. I work in the cubical next to you."

I sit next to her, hoping maybe I'll have a friend.

"Is it always so busy around here?" I ask.

"Actually no." She smiles. "The big boss is coming down today."

"The big boss?" I ask.

"Ms. Rizzoli. Which has everyone on a fringe today. I've worked here six months, and I've never seen her before."

My heart rate increases. "Why is she coming?" I ask.

"Melody didn't say."

Great. I feel a migraine coming on. I start to rub my temples, just as the door to the break room opens. my breath hitches when Jane Rizzoli walks through the door.

"Can I have a moment alone with Ms. Isles?" She asks, looking directly at Heather.

Heather doesn't reply as she stands from her chair walks to the door. A huge part of me wants to ask her to stay, but she walks out the door before I can say anything.

Jane shuts the door behind her. When I get my first look at her after she turns towards me I realize the woman standing here isn't the same Jane Rizzoli I saw the other night. She looks unsure and that worries me.

"Are you ok?" I ask.

"No"

"What's wrong?"

"I want you Maura isles. I've wanted you since the day you walked into my office, I took one look at you and realized I was fucked."

Her eyes have a frantic hunger in them. And I gulp.

"You don't know how many times I've tried to talk myself out of doing this, and that's just today."

"Doing what?" I ask.

She walks towards me, and before I can process it, her warm hands cup my face and brings my mouth to hers. This is far more intense then the last time we kissed. Her tongue circles the inside of mine almost desperately.

She stops kissing me for a moment, and her hands slid from my face down the length of my neck. I look up into her eyes, and realize I want this too. And it frightens me more then I ever thought possible.

Before I can say all the things I need to say she pulls away from me.

"I have to get back to work Ms. Isles. Dinner tonight, I'll pick you up at 7." She says, as she walks towards the door.

"Are you always so commanding?" I ask.

She walks back to me leans down and places her hands on both sides of my face.

"I'm sorry. I don't usually have to ask for things, and I'm not used to waiting for the answer." she says in a joking tone, but looks serious.

"You should probably work on that." I say.

"Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? I'll make sure it's better then the last time we tried dinner."

"Yes Jane, I'll have dinner with you." I answer.

She smiles and kisses the skin underneath my ear lobe.

"I've got to go, but I'm going to work on that asking thing, I promise."

A smile spreads across my face. As I watch her walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

The rest of day passes by entirely to slow, I'm excited and nervous for this dinner tonight. And as I'm getting my stuff ready to go home my phone vibrates in my purse. I pull it out and smile when I see Janes number and a text, but my smile fades as I read it the text.

Rain check on dinner tonight something has come up.

I'm disappointed, but I shouldn't be. I don't even like women in that way. And that's what I tell myself the whole time I drive myself home, when I'm taking a shower, and heating up spaghetti from the night before. But the more I sit and watch mindless reruns on tv, the more the disappointment sets in. It doesn't take me long to call it a night.

My cell phone wakes me up, I grab it off the table near my bed and answer.

"I have food, and I'm on my way to your place." It's her. And my stomach drops with excitement and nerves.

I take the phone away from my face to look at the time.

"Jane, it's a little late for dinner." I say, after seeing that it's after midnight.

"Then we won't eat, but I have to see you."

"Ok." I reply.

She hangs up, and I get out of bed. I look down at what I'm wearing and groan. I debate changing out of my tank top and shorts but the light knocking coming from my door stops me.

I walk down the short hall and open the door.

"Hello." I say, and smile.

"I still brought the food up." She says, lifting the bags in her hands.

"Come in."

She comes in and sets the bags on the table while I shut the door.

"That was a quick drive." I say, to alleviate the awkward silence that follows.

"I was already here when I called. Can I kiss you? Note me working on the asking thing." She chuckles, and I think back to her earlier promise and smile.

But she doesn't wait for me to answer. She kisses me softly, nothing like the kiss from earlier.

When she pulls back I remember my earlier chant to myself.

"Jane we need to talk." I say.

"If this is about me bailing on dinner, it really wasn't my fault."

"No. But since you mentioned it, what happened?"

"My youngest brother, Tommy got into some trouble, and my mother needed my help with him again."

"Does he get into a lot of trouble?" I ask.

"He's an alcoholic. He's always been really messed up, even when we were kids it only got worse after our father left us."I notice the grim expression on her usually happy face.

"I shouldn't say our father because his seed may have produced us, but he was never our father."

She is staring into space now. The way she is saying all this to me makes me feel as if she hasn't shared this with anyone for a long time.

I watch her expression go from mad to normal in just a few seconds, like she never said anything. And her eyes land on me again.

"What was it you really wanted to talk to me about?"

Now that's she's told me all that I don't want to have this conversation with her, but know that I need to.

"I'm not sure I can do whatever this is with you. I've never been with a woman before, and I don't even like women in that way." I blurt out. I feel my face heat with embarrassment.

She looks at me. I swear I see disappointment, and then she smiles at me.

"You can't tell me that." She says.

She places her hand on my shoulders.

"You can't tell me that because if that were true you wouldn't have kissed me back this morning, or the other night. And I want you." She whispers the last part as her lips meet mine.

I've been controlling myself since I let her in, but now with her mouth on mine I let go. I hear myself moan which makes her react faster. She pulls away, moves her hands down and lifts my tank top off. Her eyes are I almost feel relieved that I'm not wearing a bra and underwear. Her hands then grip my sides and lower to pull off my shorts. She takes a step back, and I stand in front of her, feeling vulnerable. She just continues to look at me for several seconds, her gaze traveling from my head to my toes. She takes a step forward and kisses me firmly on the lips. She slides her hands down and cups my breast, massaging them. She kissed me again, and I clench the muscles between my legs with a need to satisfy myself.

"Where's your bedroom?" She asks.

I have to catch my breath before I can answer.

"Down the hall."

She grabs my hand and leads me in that direction. Thankfully my bedroom is clean.

She steps in first, and I'm suddenly really nervous about this whole thing. She sits on my bed and waits for me. I take a deep breath and move to sit beside her, but her hand on my wrist stops me.

"Here," she commands, gesturing to the space in front of her.

My body begins to tingle all over and I move to where she's told me to. Her fingers slowly trail up the back of my thighs.

"Beautiful." she whispers as her fingers find their way between my thighs, and slip inside of me.

I gasp, throwing my head back. my stomach tightens, she begins going faster, and I can barely catch my breath. I give in completely as I feel myself building to a climax. In one quick motion she pulls out, grabs my hips and flips me over onto my back on the bed and kneels above me.

She just stares at me for several seconds, like there is nothing else in the world she wants more than to have me.

I run my hands over her still fully clothed chest, and feel her heart that is beating uncontrollably fast.

"Why is your heart racing?" I ask.

"You're not the only one who's trying something new." She whispers.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, confused.

She slowly shakes her head and nips at my throat. Then she reaches down and slips her finger inside me again. She moves out of me and replaces it with two fingers the next time, pushing them into me slowly and as deep as they'd go. I gasp. She keeps the slow tempo as I start to lose control, moving my hips to meet her hand. She pulls her fingers out of me suddenly again.

I groan with frustration. She lightly kisses my neck, and continues down. Kissing down to my stomach, and back up to my breast.

My breathing becoming erratic. She moves down again, and I gasp when I feel her mouth on my clit. It's the most amazing sensation of my life. I could have never imagined how good her mouth pressing against me would feel. Her tongue brushes across my clit in slow but firm strokes. When she moans it vibrates through my core, and I let out a sound I don't ever recognize. Her tongue continues to lap over me. I can feel the brink of my orgasm. She sucks on my clit one last time and I come apart calling her name.

She lays next to me as I catch my breath. Now that it's all over with I feel shameful. No woman has touched me like that. Ever. And I'm shocked at how I responded with so much desire. And it scares me.

I look over at her, she's laying on her back staring at the ceiling.

"What about you?" I ask, because I don't know what else to say.

"This isn't about me Maura, it's about you."

I just stay silent, as I watch her. Every part of me wants to figure out this enigma laying on this bed with me. She's young, but her house is decorated with the taste of someone older. She's straightforward, but sometimes it seems like she wants to say something but doesn't.

She moves to face me.

"Penny for you thoughts Ms. Isles." She says, her eyes squinting at me

"Tell me more about your father."

"I'm not so keen on discussing him." After she says this her lips are tight, pressed together, all humor wiped from her face.

"What now?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Was this a one night stand?"

"No Maura." She says.

"You don't date remember? And I don't do friends with benefits."

"Move in with me."

"What?! No we barely even know each other." I say, shocked she even mentioned it.

Her expression is humorous as she says, "come to dinner with me on Sunday. You'll learn just about everything about me, even down to what kind of toothpaste I use."

"I've learned dinner doesn't work for us." I tease.

"We'll make it work. I promise."

"Ok." I say.

It's to quiet after that, and my eyes become heavy. They close without command. I feel her lips on my forehead and hear her whisper, "Goodnight Ms. Isles."


	6. Chapter 6

AN-I was originally going to stick with Maura's point of view, but I realized as I was writing this chapter that I needed to add some of Jane's in there.

"Look, Jane, we don't mean any disrespect, we're really anxious to make this deal happen." I hate guys like this one with degrees that cost more than people's mortgages. They know I'm not one of them, they can sense it, good thing is, I don't give a shit.

"I've taken time out of my schedule to hear a proposal, a legitimate offer, and you bring me this shit of a deal? Bottom line is, we have better options to review," I say before hanging up.

"Always on time, are we?"

I look up from the phone I just hung up.

It's Melody. I was suppose to meet her 15 minutes ago.

"I'd hate to surprise you." I say with a wink.

She rolls her eyes. She'd better not be in a pissed off mood today.

"What is it that you wanted to speak to me about?"

"It's about Maura. You guys have been messing around for what a few months now, and have you told her about…"

"No and I expect it not to come up in conversation," I warn her.

"You should tell her, It's not fair for her to not know," she says solemnly.

"Okay." I say grabbing my jacket. I wanted to make my exit but her questions didn't stop.

"So what makes Maura different?"

"I don't know if she's different."

"Well there is something about her that is causing you to respond to her differently than you have others."

I don't say anything because I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

"It's okay for you to desire a higher form of intimacy than just sex." She says.

"What are you my shrink!" I say, feeling my jaw flex.

"No, but maybe you should find one." She says in a singsong voice that annoys me.

"My patiences is running out, Melody. I warn her, walking towards the door.

I didn't stay to hear her reply.

But Melody is right I need to tell Maura the lifestyle I prefer. I'm not afraid of much, but the thought of Maura finding that out, of her looking at me differently scares the shit out of me.

She's waiting for me at my apartment when I get there. I've been trying to get her to stay at my apartment the past few months but she always puts up a fight, but I love these days when she is here when I get home.

She smiles at me as I get closer to her, a smile I could see every day. I need to get a fucking grip.

She helps me take off my coat and puts it in the closet. I flop on my couch and a second later she sits next to me.

I look at her and think about this moment, I could have this all the time.

You should tell her. Melody's voice echoes in my head.

Pulling her towards me i kiss her long and soft, how she likes it. I don't do anything else. I don't deserve anything else.

"What's wrong?" she asks, cupping my face.

"Nothing." I tell her playfully.

"It looks like your mind is somewhere else." She says, her face scrunched up looking at me.

"Just thinking about taking you away next week." I tell her.

I was actually hoping to get her away from all this. It might help me come up with a way to tell her.

"I can't just up and go anywhere Jane, I have a job."

"Who's gonna fire you? It would have to go through me." I joke. She looks back at me her eyes sad.

"I'm sorry I can't." she says, looking me right in the eye.

I feel anger starting to course through every part of my body, and disappointment. I stand up and walk to the other side of the room. I can't let her see it.

"Why not?" I feel my voice becoming tense.

"Because I'm not ready for that, just like I'm not ready to move in here. Plus we don't even know what this is." She says.

She wants normal and I sure as hell can't give her that. I say to myself.

"I'm going to get out of here, I have some stuff I need to get finished before work tomorrow." She says.

She gets off the couch and I walk in front of her. Her eyes avoid mine. I put my hands on her waist and pull her towards me.

"You're coming with me next week." I tell her simply and she rolls her eyes.

"How many times do we have to talk about you asking and not telling." She says, with a small smile.

"This is an exception, you told me no so now I'm telling you that you're coming with me."

"I won't say yes Jane." She says.

"Ok, come with me this weekend then, it's not out of Boston I promise."

"Fine." She says, rolling her eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

I play with the ring on my finger that my mother gave me a few years ago as I stand with Jane. It's a nervous habit, and I haven't been this nervous since college.

"Calm down." Jane says, wrapping her hand around mine.

"That's easy for you to say. I'm the one about to meet your family." I whine.

I didn't realize this was her plan. I should have taken the get away next week.

For the last few months we've been spending a lot of time together, and she's still a mystery to me but my mixed feelings have come to an end. Now I can't imagine not being with her. And that's something we still have to figure out, defining what we are.

"Don't worry. they'll love you." She takes my hand leading me through the door. I inhale and follow her.

A woman with an apron walks out of what I assume is the kitchen.

"Jane, you actually showed up." The woman says surprised.

Her eyes skim past Jane and land on me.

"Oh." She says.

"Ma, I'd like you to meet Ms. Isles."

I swallow my nerves.

"I'm Maura." I say awkwardly. I have no idea what's appreciate so I just hold out my hand.

"Angela Rizzoli." She replies. Shaking my hand.

Angela smiles at me. And then as if she just remembered Jane, she turns back to her.

"You could have called, and told me you were bringing someone." She says to Jane.

"I'm sorry Ma."

"Well come on, we need to get another plate down." She says, and walks back in the kitchen.

"See?" Jane says with a smile, as she leads me into the kitchen.

There's a small table inside the kitchen where Jane pulls out a chair for me, and I sit.

"Would you like something drink?" Angels asks me.

"No, thank you." I don't think holding something breakable right now would be a good idea.

"Where's Tommy and Frankie?" Jane asks, taking off her jacket and tossing it in the chair beside me.

"Frankie should be here any moment, his shift ended 30 minutes ago, and Tommy won't make it today."

"So, Maura what do you do?" Angela asked me.

"She just recently started working at my company." Jane answers for me, going over to the fridge and putting ice in a cup.

I watch Angela look over at Jane, irritation showing at the noise Jane's making with the ice.

I hear the front door close and few seconds later a man who looks a lot like Jane walks into the kitchen dressed in a police uniform.

"You're actually here." He says when he spots Jane.

"I don't always miss dinner with you guys. Jane defends herself, while resting on the counter behind her.

"No you just never show up when you say you will." He says with a smile.

He turns his attention towards me.

"You must be Maura." His eyes survey me.

"I'm Frankie, Janes brother." He explains offering his hand.

"It's nice to meet you." I say, when I shake his hand.

"Well let's eat." Angela announces.

We all sit at the table. Conversation flowing easily between the three Rizzoli's as we eat.

Jane is so different around her family, and I like it.

Jane's phone rings in the middle of dinner. She pulls it out of her pocket and looks at it.

"I have to take this." She says, her whole demeanor changing once again.

She answers, but goes into the next room to talk to whoever is on the other end. There's an uncomfortable silence once Jane steps out.

A few minutes later I hear Jane's voice from behind me.

"I have to go, can you take her home Frankie?" She says.

"You're leaving?" I ask her tightly.

Her family seems nice and all, but the whole reason I did this was to have dinner with her. I don't want to be dumped on her family.

I look behind me to see her standing there with her hands in her pockets. The tension in the room goes up a notch.

I stand up to face her. She walks over towards me but I look away from her.

"Go to my apartment when you're done, and I'll be there soon." She promises caressing my back.

Then her mouth covers mine for just a few seconds, and I feel my cheeks heat up. An amused look spreads over Jane's face at my reaction. I glance at Angela in total embarrassment, but she just smiles.

"You good?" Jane asks quietly.

I nod.

"I'll take her home." I hear Frankie say.

"Stay out of trouble." Angela says in a motherly tone as Jane grabs her jacket.

"Always do." Jane says, as she walks out of the kitchen.

Frankie drops me off at Jane's apartment later that night. I climb into Jane's bed after my shower not even worrying about clothes. Its lonely without her but I fall asleep easily.

I'm woken when Jane climbs into bed, her hair wet from taking a shower. I feel safe and warm when she wraps her arm around me.

"Where did you go tonight?" I whisper.

Her fingers begin to trace their infamous pattern on my skin. Her touch gives me chills, causing me to bite my lip.

"I don't want to talk about business right now." She whispers and a second later her lips find that secret spot on my neck that sends a thrill over me.

She gently rolls me under her. She stares down at me for a few seconds and then cups my hands in hers and lift them over my head.

"I want your hands right here the entire time. Ok?"

I nod.

"I need you to say it." She says.

"Yes. Sorry." I say.

She gently rubs her hands up and down my arms. And then places her mouth against mine, I feel her hand trail down my arm one last time. One hand moves down my shoulder to my right breast, my nipple tingles as she traced one finger over and around teasing it into a stiff peak. I feel myself grow wet, my body aching for her.

She slides her hand down my belly while slowly trailing kisses down my neck. I part my legs inviting her in.

My eyes slowly close as she eases her a finger inside of me, quickly adding another one a few seconds later. She starts up slow and then speeds up after the third stroke. I inhale quickly ready to greet my climax which is cut short when Jane stops. I stare at her in confusion. She grins at me and places a kiss to my lips, sliding slowly back in and out, switching to a pace that keeps me on the edge without sending me over.

I want so badly to wrap my hands around her shoulders. The urge overwhelms me and I give in. Moving my hands I hug her shoulders. She stops mid stroke.

"Put them back." Her stern expression left no room for argument.

I move my hands back where she placed them earlier.

"Move them again and I stop. Understood?"

"Yes."

She moves again speeding up her pace. Squirming and huffing, I grip my hands together to keep from moving them. The faster i breath, the quicker Jane moves in and out.

I call out her name as my orgasm claims me.

Jane drops her forehead against mine until my panting returns to normal.

When she eases out of me and I want to beg her to stay. She lays next to me, and lets me lay my head on her chest surrounding me in a warm, soothing hug.

Laying here like this gives me an idea. Jane is only wearing a tank top and pajama pants, easy access. I slowly move my hand, when I graze her breast she takes a deep breath in.

"M-Maura, stop," She says, so softly that I can barely hear her as my fingers trail down her body.

When my hand reaches the top of her pajama pants she instantly reacts, she lifts my body off of her and is out of the bed.

"Don't ever do that again!" She shouts. Her brow furrows and her skin turns a shade of red.

"I'm sorry, Jane." I say.

She shakes her head incredulously and then leaves the room, slamming the door behind her.

I stare after her in disbelief.


	8. Chapter 8

I flop back on the bed, hoping Jane comes back in soon. A part of me wants to go find her, but the look on her face when she walked out stops me from doing that.

I shift in the bed trying to get comfortable, but it's no use. My eyes drift the the alarms clock, the red numbers tell me it 3:00, I really need to sleep. I close my eyes.

When I open them again it's daylight and Jane is standing at the foot of the bed already dressed for the day.

"I'm hungry." She says.

"Ok." I say, confused.

"Come make me something." She says, leaving the room.

I lay there for half a second, and then get up, find a pair of my pajamas I've left here and walk downstairs. She's in the kitchen waiting on me.

"You must be really hungry if you're going to eat what I cook you." I say.

She sits down at the table, and I look at her curiously.

"You really want me to cook?" I ask in disbelief.

She folds her arms with an amused grin on her face.

I walk to the fridge and pull out the cheese and eggs. Jane walks over to the counter and leans against it.

As I'm getting things prepared I realize this is her way of not talking about last night. But I decide to take advantage of her good mood.

"I'm sorry, Jane." I say, afraid to look up at her.

She suddenly puts her hands on both my shoulders and moves me out of the way.

"I think I'll take it from here." She says.

"But I thought you wanted me to cook." I whine.

"You should go take a shower, I have an early meeting to get to anyways."

Begrudgingly, I walk back upstairs and take a shower.

30 minutes later I walk back into the kitchen, Jane is standing at the sink washing the few dishes she used to cook with.

I sit at the table, and Jane moves from the sink to the microwave. She sets a plate full of eggs in front of me. By the look on her face I'm suddenly not hungry anymore.

"We can go, if you need to be at work soon." I say.

"Alright." She says.

She takes the plate from in front of me, I stand up and walk towards the elevator. A few minutes later Jane joins me and pushes the button.

Neither one of us say anything on the way down or in the car as Jane drives us to work. I feel like I really messed things up between us.

Music is softly playing I really listen to it.

"What song is this?" I ask.

"Are you seriously going to tell me you've never heard Aerosmith?"

I stare at her confused.

"Oh, come on! Steven Tyler?!"

I shake my head.

"That's it! Give me your phone!"

"What! Why?"

"Cause by the end of the day I'm gonna make sure you have every song worth listening to. This country crap has got to stop." She smiles teasingly.

I laugh, happy to have my Jane back, and pull my phone out of my purse.

I give her my phone as she parks in her parking spot. We both get out, and I stand there nervously waiting for her mood to change again. Her mood changes so often they give me whiplash.

"Have lunch with me today." Jane says when we reach my floor.

"Ok" I say with a smile.

Melody sets a yellow envelope on my desk a few minutes before my lunch hour.

"What's this?" I ask.

"The puzzle pieces of Jane Rizzoli." She says.

"Why are you giving me this?" I ask shocked.

"Look, she doesn't care what anyone says or thinks about her because she knows that they all either want to be her or sleep with her, depending on their preferences. But she cares what you think, and that's why you need to know all this." Melody tells me.

I stare at the envelope, and pick it up to give it back to her but she's already walking away.

I shove it in my purse deciding to go find her and give it back after lunch with Jane.

Jane's secretary isn't at her desk when I get to the top floor so I head over to the partly open door to Jane's office, but stop when I hear her voice hoping she's not in a meeting.

"Tell me you've got something good." Jane says.

"We think we've spotted him in Denver."

My stomach drops when I hear that voice, my fathers voice.

"Denver?" Jane says. "Do you have someone tailing him?"

"Of course. That's extra, considering what happened last time." My father says.

"You guys got it wrong the last time. I hope you don't disappoint me on this one."

My throat tightens, what are they talking about.

"Well it's always a pleasure." I hear my father say and I shuffle back to the elevator pushing the down button repeatedly. But it's no use. My father steps out of Jane's office and spots me in two seconds.

"Maura?" He says. "What are you doing here?"

I turn to look at him, frustration and confusion evident on his face.

"Are you okay?" He says, concern replacing his confused expression.

"I...I don't know."

"Maura." I hear Jane say.

"What the hell is all this?" I ask them both.

The elevator doors finally open and I want to get in and never look back, but as if she knows what I'm thinking Jane grabs a hold of my arm.

"You can go now Mr. Isles." Jane says.

"What. No." My father says, looking at Jane's hand on my arm with disgust.

"Arthur." Jane says through clinched teeth.

My father slips into the elevator and I stare at him as the elevator doors close, he still has that disgusted look on his face.

Jane leads me into her office shutting the door behind her. I spin around and look her directly in the eye.

"You knew who I am, who my parents are from the very beginning didn't you?!" I say, and she begins to laugh.

"You think this is funny?!" I yell at her and push her chest, but she stands there firmly. And I completely lose it.

"How dare you!" I yell at her, swinging my arms as hard as I can.

"Calm the fuck down!" She says, trying to contain me.

I continue to throw my fist at her.

"Maura stop!" She says, finally grabbing my arms and holding them tightly in her hands, and I hate that she's stronger than me.

"Yes, I may have known who you are, but does it fucking matter? Whatever is between us has nothing to do with your father and I." She says dryly.

But I don't believe her.

"I hate you!" I say, catching my breath, tears filling my eyes.

"So you hate me now?" She says bitterly.

Her hands loosen.

"You were supposed to be different," she says, shaking her head. "But you're like everybody else," she adds quietly letting go of my arms completely, the look in her eyes causes my breath to hitch.

"I wish I could hate you." She says solemnly.

I stare at her for several seconds, and then walk out of her office. I take the stairs, I don't stop moving until I'm in the lobby on the first floor, out of breath and mentally exhausted.

I feel my pockets for my phone to call I cab, and then I remember I gave my phone to Jane.

I glance up and two things happen at once I see Charlie my fathers driver and I hear Jane's voice. I move as fast as I can towards Charlie.

I don't look back as Charlie takes me to my fathers car that's waiting out front, and I don't look out the window as we pull away.


	9. Chapter 9

AN-Both Maura and Jane's point of view are in this chapter. I've grown to really like writing from janes point of view, and I'll probably continue to do a lot of the rest of the chapter this way. That being said a lot of the questions will be answered in this chapter.

Maura's point of view.

"What were you doing with that woman?" My father asks when we pull away.

"Me? What about you?" I ask frustrated.

"Its business. It didn't look like business between you two. You need to stay away from her." He tells me.

"I work there dad!"

"Not anymore. Come home. I'll pay for you to go to school to be a pathologist, you've always wanted to do that." He says.

"Yeah, and you told me you'd never pay for me to go to college for that."

"I've changed my mind."

"Now you change your mind? Is this because of Jane? Tell me what you were doing with her. You can't sit there and continue to tell me it's business, you've never been into investment or marketing."

He sighs and closes his eyes for a minute.

"I've been working for her for a couple of years now. It has nothing to do with her company." He pauses a moment before taking a deep breath. "I'm looking for someone for her."

"Who dad?"

"A man named Charles Hoyt."

"Why?" I ask, my voice a ghost of itself.

"That's not important. She is bad news Maura."

I shake my head. He's not going to tell me what he knows about her.

"I'm not going back home." I say quietly.

"Would you at least come to the hotel with me, I'm sure your mother would love to see you."

"Sure dad." I say, but my mind is in a hundred different places.

I have Charlie stop by my apartment so I can change into something more comfortable.

I go up alone, and find a gift bag set by my door, I unlock my door grab the bag and walk into my apartment.

I set the bag on the counter, change and then come back to the bag.

Inside I see my phone I pull it out and go through it, but she didn't do anything to it. I look into the bag again and see an iPod still in the box. I pull that out, and find a note taped to the box, the print in Jane's perfect script.

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.

Said by Victor Hugo.

The note says.

It's takes everything in me not to throw it in the trash, but I reframe from doing so, and shove it in my purse. The envelope melody gave me catches my eye.

I pull it out and carefully open it my hands shaking, inside is Jane's birth certificate and medical records. I skim through all of it, I don't know what every word means, but there's some i know exactly what they mean.

Words like intersex, disorder of sex development, Female reproductive organs, male and female anatomy.

I move to the next few pages these are notes from a therapist Jane seen when she was a child. I grow sick to my stomach the more I read these notes.

Emotions suddenly overwhelm me at the reality of what had happened to her.

My heart starts beating rapidly as I read the name of the therapist.

Charles Hoyt.

My world is upside down. How did I get here? How did I end up in the most complicated relationship I could have ever imagine in my life?

My head won't stop pounding, anxiety has planted itself in my chest. I'm exhausted, tired and starting to feel numb.

I grab my phone and call my father and explain to him I can't go, when he starts to argue I hang up on him. I grab the box with the iPod and sit on my couch. After opening the box and pulling out the iPod I realize Jane did give me all that music she said she was going to.

Jane has everything in playlists. I laugh out loud when I open one titled "only because I like you" full of country songs. She must have done all this before my lunch hour.

The more I listen the more I realize that I'm in love with Jane. No matter how angry I am, I can't deny that fact.

Jane's point of view.

Unraveling. If I had to describe the state that I'm in that would be it, as I watch Maura leave in her fathers car.

Why couldn't she be easy like the rest? But if she was, would I be interested in her? She's different and that's why I like her, why I want her. I haven't liked a girl in a long time. I've tolerated them, been comfortable around them, but I like Maura. She makes me want to be a better person.

"Fuck!" I say aloud. Screw controlling my temper or trying not to be mad.

She's mine, the one good thing in my life and I'm not going to lose her.

I head to my car and go to the one place I try to avoid, but to the one person that no matter what makes me feel better. I stare at my childhood home and think back on all the bad years, and wish my mother would let me buy her a new home, but she always tells me the good memories out weigh the bad.

My phone alerts me to a text message as I step inside the house. It's from Harrison informing me the package has been delivered. It's reminds me that I wanted to be there when she opened it.

My throat starts to burn, there's a stinging in my chest. I want the feeling gone now. The next thing I know I've punched through the fucking wall. It hurts but it distracts me from what's wrong.

I'm bleeding I have to clean this up before my mother sees it. I make my way to the kitchen, turn the water on and put my hand under it. My mother picks this moment to walk through the back door and I look up at her.

Her eyes widen when she takes a look at me. She rushes towards me and takes my hand out of the water and into her hand looking at my swollen knuckles.

"Janie, what did you do?!" she asks frantically, leading me to the guest bathroom.

"Don't be mad, but I punched a hole in your wall," I say trying to downplay what I did.

Her head snaps up towards me.

"Why did you do that?!" she asks, grabbing the first aid kit and pulling out the antibiotic wipes.

"I was pissed." I say, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while she cleans my hand.

She nods as if she understands.

She doesn't try to chastise me as I thought she would. She cleans my hand in silence, it reminds me of when I was a kid. That burning feeling starts again.

"Ma?" I say, my voice hoarse with unshed tears.

She looks up at me.

"I fucked up." I whisper.

"With Maura?" Her voice is sympathetic.

"I didn't tell her about...my condition." I say trying to keep my voice dry and even. "Which caused an even bigger problem with a whole different situation. If I told her everything, I know she'd understand, but I don't know if I can."

"Why not Jane?"

"If I tell her about my condition I have to tell her about Hoyt."

When I say his name my mother looks pained.

"And I don't want her to look at me like I'm broken."

"I think you're making a mistake. I think you should tell her, don't be afraid of how she'll look at you." She says pleadingly.

I shake my head no.

"I'm sorry about everything," she says, her voice cracking.

"Ma, don't." I say.

"No Janie, please let me say this. I'm sorry for everything you went through growing up, I should have done things so differently. It's my fault, I need you to stop blaming yourself, and...your father." She says with tears in her eyes.

I feel like I'm being punched in the chest. I close my eyes, I can't look at her like this. I don't want to see how much it hurts her. I hate myself for it.

I pull my hand away from her and leave the bathroom and shut the door behind me and let go completely. I slid down the wall next to the door and cry. I cry for my mother, for myself, for the first time in my life.

I don't know how much time has passed when I feel my mothers arms, her embrace warm and comforting.

"I don't think you're broken Janie, you're the strongest person I've ever known." My mother finally says, when I get control of myself.

I chuckle.

What if I really am broken? I say to myself.


	10. Chapter 10

Jane's point of view.

I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, adrenaline coursing through me, I've had the same dream almost every night since Hoyt, now it's different. I get up trying not to disturb Ma, we'd both fallen asleep on her couch last night.

In the bathroom I splash some water on my face and look up in the mirror at myself, no matter how much I try to convince myself that the dream isn't as terrifying as it used to be, I can't because now it's even more terrifying.

When I step out my mother is getting off the couch.

"Good morning." She says groggily.

"You still have hours to sleep." I tell her glancing at the clock.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

I nod but it's shaky.

I run up to my old bedroom find a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie, change and then go back down stairs. Pick up my phone off the coffee table and search for my shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"For a run." I say.

"You can't go running now"

"I have to." I say.

"Jane, wait. I'll go with you." She says.

I chuckle imagining my mother running.

"It's fine. I'm okay. Go back to sleep." I say as I tie my shoes.

"I can't. Not when you're like this."

"I'd rather go alone. Seriously, go back to sleep." I say.

I step outside trying to get away from my mothers protest.

I run down the stairs of the porch and into the cold air. It fills my lungs and reminds me what's real and what's not. The dreams aren't real.

I pound my feet harder and run faster. My lungs burn like I can't get enough air. I want to run so hard that my body screams in pain. I want to feel something that I know how to deal with, because I don't know what to do with this. It's not the same as the other nightmare. That one had me scared to death, because Hoyt wanted to hurt me. This dream is the opposite. Hoyt isn't hurting me, he's hurting Maura. It feels like my guts are being ripped out. I can't stand it. I want to scream. Digging in, I push off the ground harder and run faster. I lengthen my stride. My arms pump at my sides and I sprint as fast as I can.

I feel my phone vibrate, holding my hands on my hips, I stop and suck in air. I stay like that for a few moments just trying to catch my breath. When the cramp subsides, I pull my phone out, there's a text message from Maura with two words that make my heart rate increase.

I know. It's says.

I type back with shaky hands. What do you know?

Everything. She replies.

I didn't realize you were Google. I type back trying to calm down.

Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? She replies.

I read what she said over and over again. How the hell does she know any of that, Arthur could have opened his mouth and gave her the name, but he wouldn't tell her anything else there's a non disclosure agreement in place for a reason. It hits me then. Melody, she knows everything.

I shove my phone back in my pocket and continue to run. The only thing in my head is the pounding of my heart and the rush of air filling my lungs.

Maura's point of view.

The next morning I wake early, I slept on and off but never fell into a deep sleep. I want to talk to Jane so bad, let her know I know.

I grab my phone pull up her number and type out a text.

I know. I type out and hit send.

Minutes later i receive one back.

What do you know?

Everything. I reply back.

I didn't realize you were Google. She types back.

I roll my eyes at my phone.

Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? I reply back.

She doesn't reply back. It doesn't surprise me, I'd just hoped it would start a conversation between us.

I get out of bed and take a shower, hoping that when I get to work I still have a job.

I get there early, the place is practically empty. I sit at my desk and wait for my computer to power up.

Why the hell did you do that?!" I hear Jane shout.

And I panic thinking she's speaking to me.

"I know you're mad Jane." I hear Melody say, calmly.

That's when I realize Jane's not here to speak to me. She's here to speak to Melody.

"Mad? I'm fucking furious!

"Don't you think she deserved to know who you really are." Melody says.

I move where I can see them, and hope neither of them spot me.

"I was going to tell her." Jane says through her teeth.

Jane moves to walk away when Melody grabs her arm.

"Jane, please let me explain."

"If you've screwed this up for me I swear I'll never speak to you again." Jane says before snatching away from her.

She moves and her eyes connect with mine. I feel the panic set in once more. But she doesn't make a move towards me. She walks back to the elevators not looking back at me again.

I ride the elevator down to the lobby during my lunch hour, I want to try out the deli down the street, but a hand on my shoulder stops me. I turn on my heels and Jane is standing there.

"Hey." She says. Her voice is dry and crackly.

I stare at her.

"I believe I owe you lunch."

I nod.

"Come on." She says. Leading me back to the elevators.

The ride up is silent, when the doors open Jane allows me to go out first. I walk in front of her until we get inside her office.

She shuts the door behind her, and I stand there awkwardly.

"I didn't know what you wanted so I just ordered a whole bunch of stuff." Jane says while walking over to her desk where it's filled with enough take out boxes to feed a small village. But I'm suddenly not hungry, and Jane doesn't make a move to eat anything either.

"Can I you a question?" I blurt out, when the quiet gets to much for me.

She briefly glances at me but doesn't say anything. I let out a sigh, and ask anyways.

"You knowing my father has nothing to do with us being here now?"

"I meant what I said yesterday Maura."

I believe her.

"He sexually abused you didn't he?" I ask, referring to Charles Hoyt. Even though I think I already know the answer from what I read yesterday.

She shakes her head yes, looking everywhere but at me.

"She should have let me tell you." Jane says quietly.

"When would you have told me? When you've pushed me away enough times to make me give up on this, on you?" I say.

Im not angry with who she is, or what happened to her, but that she didn't trust me enough to tell me.

"I don't care who you are I never would have judged you for that, and I would have understood if you had been the one to tell me about Charles Hoyt."

"I know what your saying but it's hard to admit to being overpowered like that."

We stand in silence again.

"Why are you looking for him?" I ask.

"The nasty piece of shit just disappeared into thin air, and it won't be right until he's buried for good." Her expression hardens.

"Jane, what are you going to do?" I don't like the tone of her voice. I hate that Charles did what he did and nothing happened to him, but I don't want Jane to do something stupid and get herself in trouble.

She doesn't answer so I move on to my next question.

"Why are you so reluctant to talk about your father?" I ask, meeting her stare, which has gone from indifferent to intense in the span of a second. Her eyes squint at me.

Jane walks towards the window she looks out, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.

"Jane." I finally say.

She turns to face me her hands stuffed into her pockets. I look into her eyes and I hate the fact that her expression is soft, and she seems vulnerable.

She stays silence for what seems to be the longest seconds of my life.

Jane sits on the couch, and drops her head down, running both hands through her hair.

"My father used to beat the shit out of my mother," she suddenly says.

She's looking in my direction, but she's not making eye contact.

"He blamed her for my condition. That's partly why she sent me to see a therapist. She thought I was emotionally screwed up from watching my father beat on her everyday, and listening to him tell her how wrong I was.

"And you blame your father for what was done to you, don't you?" I ask.

She nods, her eyes finally fall on me, and the look in them scares me. She seems helpless.

"Is that why you've never let me touch you?" I ask her.

Her eyes stare past me again.

"Maura, what he did is beyond anyone's imagination. And in certain situations I have triggers that set me off which I try to keep under control. That's why I don't let you touch me." She says trying to remain indifferent, cold.

"Does your mother know what happened to you?"

"Yup." She says casually.

She doesn't even look at me. It's not unexpected but still makes me want to scream.

Her mannerism, her expression, everything about her is so different then what it was yesterday.

"Why did your mother stay with your father for so long?"

"He made the decision to leave she didn't, he got tired of paying for all my doctor's visits. She was terrified to leave him. Having to raise three children in her own, and all my problems..." She trails off and stays silent for a long time.

"Can that be enough for now? Just for today?" She finally asks me, looking into my eyes and I nod.


	11. Chapter 11

Jane's point of view.

Later that night when I go home to an empty apartment I grab a bottle of liquor from the kitchen cabinet, sit on my couch and stare at my feet before downing a good portion of the bottle. All I wanted to do the rest of my life was honor her with a love she'd never known and one she'd never want to let go of. Now I am worried I have lost her for good. My secrets always tend to be to much for anyone. I prayed my mother was right, that Maura wouldn't look at me different, or feel any different about me. But from the look on her face today, everything is different.

The next day I go to Frankie's. I can't stand being alone in that apartment anymore, a few months with Maura around and I can't stand a lot of things.

I plan to only stay a day or two, but a couple of weeks pass by without me really noticing it.

"What are you doing? Why are you still here? When are you going to realize that she wants you no matter what?" Frankie says to me one morning when he's about to leave to go to work.

I glare at Frankie taking offense but trying to reign my temper in.

"So you're just going to push her away and call it a day?"

"You don't know anything about this, about us."

He dared to laugh.

"The hell I don't."

He pulled up a chair and sat down in front of me. He gets nose to nose with me and pokes me in the chest.

"Back off, Frankie."

"Go prove to her that you're worth it."

He grabs my shirt.

"Fight. For. Her." Then he releases me causing my back to thump against the back of the couch.

Standing again, he turns toward the door and I think for sure he is going to leave without another word.

"You're so damn stubborn, always have been. I've watched you lose so many good things in your life because of that man, but I won't do it again. Not like this." He says. Talking to the wall, I know his words are meant for me.

I stare at his back in shock, I never told Frankie about Hoyt.

"Tommy isn't the only one who knows your secrets." He says as if he can read my mind.

Then he walks out the door.

I sit there for several moments and thing about what Frankie said, and I realize it's time to go home.

When I get there I take a shower, put on my work clothes and head to work. Ive neglected work long enough. I find a pile of bills and invoices to sort through once i get to my office, and I get to work.

Ive been working for a few hours when Pete my chief operating officer comes into my office.

"Lexington may be a problem."

"What? We scouted it for months. It's the perfect location."

Lexington is where I am hoping to open another branch and what i need if I want to continue branching out.

"Apparently we're not the only ones interested in the property. And Dillon's nephew is friends with Rick."

"Fuck!" Dillon was part of the building commission in Lexington and Rick was the owner of another local branch. Our competition.

"Do we have any ins?"

"Melody spencer."

"Christ." I'll have to speak to her.

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know. I have a lunch scheduled with Dillon next Week. If you could make it, I think it could really help."

"Yeah, sure. Tell me when and where. If I have clients, I'll reschedule them."

"Great. Thank you." He says nodding.

I see Maura for the first time in two weeks in the elevator on my way down to the lobby as I am leaving for the day. It's full and I'm in the back so she doesn't see me, but I watch her.

She looks so different. I didn't think it was possible for someone to change some much in so little time.

When the doors open I look away, and wait for everyone to step out and then I follow. I stay further back from her, walking slower than normal, she turns the corner and I see her face. She sees someone who makes her happy because she smiles. I groan as jealousy surges through me at the thought of it being another woman or man that's making her smile that way.

When I round the corner I avoid looking at anything and head strait for the doors.

"Janie!"

I cringe when I hear my mothers voice. Not because she's here, because myself and everyone else heard her, which means Maura knows I'm here.

I turn in the direction of where her voice came from, and she's the one standing next to Maura. I try to ignore Maura altogether as I walk towards my mother.

"What are you doing here Ma?" I ask as I near her. "Is everything okay with Tommy?"

"He's fine Janie, I'm here to give Maura a ride home."

I look at Maura now for just a second and then back at my mother. When did they become such great friends, what happened in the last few weeks?

"You busy later, Ma?" I ask, trying to avoid all the questions I'd like to ask her about her and Maura.

"Actually, I'll be at Maura's helping her pack her things, you should come by Frankie will be there too."

Packing her things! She's moving! Inside I'm panicking, but on the outside I play indifferent. I glance at Maura again, she's got the shocked look on her face.

"Sure Ma, I'll be there."

I don't mean a word of it. I see Melody.

"I'll see you later." I say.

I catch melody before she gets to the door.

I return home after talking to Melody.

Take a shower, eat something and sit on my couch. I look at the time, its only six thirty.

I could go stop Maura from moving away from me. I still had time, but what if she really didn't want me anymore? These thoughts piss me off.

I don't subconsciously know where I'm going when I get up, and grab my keys off the counter. I end up at her apartment, that door is open, and I watch my mother and Frankie interact with Maura as they pack her stuff, but mostly I watched Maura. She is all I thought about these last couple of weeks. She's a dream that will never come come true. Letting her move away from me is the right thing I tell myself.

Her back is towards me, as I finally step into her apartment. The playful mood the room has been in turns quiet, and I don't know if I should say something or wait for someone else.

"So...lets get this done." I finally say.

A couple of hours pass and we almost have the whole apartment packed up, there's boxes scattered all over the place. I've avoided even looking at Maura, and I think she's done the same.

I'm kneeling getting ready to tape a box shut when papers in the box catches my eye, only because I see my name. I pull them out, I read through Hoyt's notes about me, and I can feel this living, breathing, crawling hysteria start in me. Its happened before only when I was with him.

How the hell did she get this?!

"Oh no!" I hear Maura's voice.

"Maura." I say, or I hope I have actually said it out loud.

She reaches for the papers, carefully like I might scratch her eyes out.

When the papers are out of my hands I explode.

"How the hell did you get those?!" I say, while getting closer to her.

I don't even notice anyone else in this room. My eyes are solely on her, and I want answers.

"Melody." She says, and I close my eyes, I'm gonna kill that woman.

"I was going to give them to you, but you just disappeared. You didn't give me time."

"You could have given them to my mother since it seems you guys are best friends now." I say, finally looking towards my mother for a second and then back to Maura.

"So that's how it's going to be?" She says.

Full of sarcasm, I retort.

"I don't know what you mean?"

"She never would have given me those if you'd just told me yourself, if you would have trusted me, but you don't! You can't." She was angry now too.

"I was going to tell you, I told you this before. Why are we hashing out the same fight? You can't tell me if you were in my situation you'd do it anything different."

I vaguely hear a door shut but don't look away from her to see.

"Don't try to tell me that your actions are simple."

Part of me was afraid she was right. So I went on the defensive.

"My actions are clear."

"Mine are more clear than yours are, because I'm honest. You're so used to pretending, I don't think you even know any more what you want."

A gasp left my mouth.

"What are you talking about? I'm not pretending!"

"You've spent the last few months, maybe longer, pretending to be someone you're not." She says.

I'm not pretending.

"It's called self control. You should exercise it sometime."

"I'm completely in control. You're the one who has lost it. I don't know what you want."

"Because you don't ask me!" Is that really so hard to understand."

I take the papers from her, glance at them once more before ripping them in half and throwing them away.

"I can leave if you want me to." That feeling of hysteria comes back so overwhelming as I say it though.

"I don't want you to." She says and I let out a relived sigh. "But I don't want to fight anymore."

I put the tape on the box I was working on and she starts doing the same with another box.

"Are you going back home?" I ask her.

I've been avoiding this question.

"No the lease is up on my apartment, and I didn't renew it."

"Why didn't you?"

"When I made the decision, I thought I would finally give in to you, and move in with you."

"How long ago was this?" I ask.

"Almost a month ago."

I stare at her. She wanted to move in with me in with me a month ago, but not now? She would have said something if she still wanted to.

"So where are you going to be staying?"

"With your mother." She says after finishing her box.

I begin to laugh, really laugh. It shakes my whole body and tears form in my eyes.

"I'm sorry." I say, when I get myself under control and I rub the heel of my hand over my eyes.

"Don't be Jane, I love it when you laugh."

I stare at her and grab my water bottle.

"What?" She asks.

Shaking my head, I take a sip of my water before I answer her.

"I can't figure you out. That's all."

"How about we play a game? You can figure me out." She says.

"Game?" I say, smiling.

"Like twenty questions. We can take turns."

"Okay." I agree. "You go first."

"Tell me more about your condition."

"That's not a question." I say.

"Fine, you have a..." She trails off.

"Yes Maura, I have a penis." I finish her sentence for her.

"Is it functional?" She asks.

"That's two questions, it's my turn."

"Okay." She says.

"Why didn't you find a new apartment?"

"I haven't had time to find another one. Now answer my second question."

"Yes it works." I say. Not giving away much information in my answer like she did in hers.

"How did my mother get you to stay at her place?"

"I ran into her last week, I said something about it and she offered me a room."

I nod, I'm not surprised my mother would do that.

"Have you had sex before?" She asks.

I knew this question was coming up, but I wasn't ready to answer it.

I turn my head and look at her, and she's staring at me, waiting for me to answer.

I tape close a couple more boxes before I say anything.

"I haven't." I don't look at her when I say it. "You're the first person who's ever questioned the way I do things, and it scares me."

"But you have no reason to be afraid, we can take it slow sex doesn't have to be a big thing in a relationship."

"I'm afraid of losing you Maura, not about the sex. There's a big possibility I can handle that." I chuckle a little, even though this isn't that funny.

"If you'd stop running and give me a chance you won't lose me." She says.

Im sure the shock is written all over my face when I turn to look at her again.

"So you want a relationship with me?"

"Yes Jane, that's all I've wanted since we started this, and nothing I've read or been told has changed my mind."


	12. Chapter 12

Maura's point of view.

A week passes and neither one of us broach the subject of sex and we don't fall back into whatever we had before everything came out. I still move in with Angela, I don't think living together right now would be best. But we spend everyday after work together. We talk about everything. She's told me more about Charles Hoyt, I know it's difficult for her to talk about but when she brings it up i don't stop her.

I call her on my way up to her apartment for a movie night she planed but she doesn't answer. When the elevator comes to a stop and the doors open I step out.

"Jane?" I call out.

When I get no response I look in both the kitchen and living room, when she's not in either of those rooms I go up stairs and look in her room, but it's empty.

The bathroom connected to her bedroom opens up and Jane walks out. It's takes her five seconds to notice I'm standing there with my mouth agape.

She's got a pair of black slacks on and a bra, but nothing else, her hair wet from a shower. I stand there frozen I know I should move and give her privacy to get dressed but my legs won't move.

"I'm sorry." I say, and turn to walk out of her room, but Jane catches my wrist. She gently stops me. She watches me for a moment and leans forward slowly. Her lips touch the side of my face, I inhale deeply and close my eyes. And I can't stop the movements of my hands.

My hands move to her face the pads of my fingers travel over her cheeks and down to her jaw, and then lower to her shoulders, I skip her chest and move to her stomach.

Jane's eyes close as my hands move over her. I know memories are flashing behind her eyes because she becomes rigid in my arms. I want to make it better. When she opens her eyes again, they lock with mine and her sorrow is no longer hidden. It's reflected in her eyes, it's difficult to keep looking in them.

Her head dips and she kisses me. Her hands are on my face and then in my hair. They drift over my shoulders and down my back, gliding over my shirt as her tongue does wicked things in my mouth.

I hold on to her tight, digging my nails into her back so she doesn't fade away.

And then Jane suddenly pulls away. She runs her hands through her hair.

"I was...I was going to call you. I have an unexpected meeting tonight." Jane says.

"Oh. Okay." I say, disappointment evident in my voice.

"Let me get dressed and I'll walk you out."

"Okay." I say.

She pulls out an undershirt from her dresser pulls it on, and then walks to her closet and pulls a blue button up shirt off a hanger. I watch her button the buttons and tuck her shirt into her slacks, and put her socks and shoes on.

She looks up at me when she's finished.

"Let's go." She says taking my hand and leading me down the stairs.

I have a smile on my face when we get downstairs, all this time without her touch has been tortuous.

My smile falters when we come to the hall leading to the elevator. My father is standing in front of it.

He stares at me for a moment and then at Jane, he hands some papers he has in his hands to Jane.

"That's all the information you need, but I suggest you make your move fast. Don't worry about dinner it looks like you're already preoccupied." He says, and his eyes land on me again. "I'd like to speak to you alone for a moment."

I let go of Jane's hand and lead my father into her kitchen.

"I thought I told you to stay away from her." He says, when we are safely in the kitchen and away from Jane.

"I believe that's what you said, but I'm not a child anymore dad. You can't tell me what to do." I say, frustrated.

His gaze narrows.

"I don't like her, Maura. She seems like she might snap and go postal or something."

"Then don't make her mad." I say.

After my father leaves Jane picks up her cell phone. Her gaze lifts and meets mine. Shes thinking something, but I don't know what. Jane looks at the phone cradled in her hand.

"I need to make a call." She says.

"Who are you calling?"

"My brother. I need to ask him something." Her features harden and she no longer looks like the woman I know.

She leaves the room and I wait for her.

When she steps back out she sits next to me.

"My brother is coming over, if that's all right. I need his help with something."

"Which one?" I ask.

"Tommy, he's more down to earth. He's dealt with shit, which is why I want to talk to him." Jane looks fine, but her voice is a little too tight.

"Okay." I say.

Tommy shows up soon afterwards. I watch them interact and I remember

when Jane first told me about Tommy, she said her brother was messed up, and I wonder what they were like as children, if they knew how tragic their lives were going to be. No child thinks that anything like that will happen. The future is always bright, it isn't until you get there that you realize it isn't.

I leave them alone so they can talk freely.

I turn on a movie in Jane's room and start watching it. I've seen it a thousand times, but i love it.

Jane eventually comes in and sits on the edge of this bed.

We sit in a comfortable silence until I break it.

"Back when we first met and you had to cancel dinner you said tommy got into some trouble, what trouble was that?"

"He was drunk, and ran over a priest." Jane says casually.

"Do you drink?" I finally ask when i can speak again.

Jane shakes her head.

"Occasionally, but not like Tommy. Tommy does it because he doesn't know how to handle things."

"And I thought you were a head case."

I realize what I've said after I say it, and smile weird since I can't gather the words and swallow them back down.

A smirk lights up Janes face. She tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

"You thought I was a head case? Me? You realize you're in this relationship, too, right?" She says.

"Yeah, but you're different." I say.

She settles on the bed next to me.

The space between us feels foreign. I don't cross and neither does she.

I plan on leaving as soon as the movie is done, but my eyes close in the middle of it. At some point I feel Jane pull me closer to her. I breathe her in.

"I hope you can forgive me for what I'm about to do." She whispers in my ear and holds me close.

Sleep overtakes me before I fully process what she said.


	13. Chapter 13

Jane's point of view.

My mind wanders in darkness, seeking out memories that I'm always trying to forget. Hoyt's face comes into focus, and so does Maura's.

Hoyt's fingers trace her curves, touching her stomach and trailing a line up to her neck. My heart beats faster and faster.

I yell at him to stop but he doesn't listen to me. The more I tell him to stop, the faster he moves. He takes off her jeans, along with her panties. I beg him to stop. The words flow from my lips over and over again, but he doesn't.

"Jane!" Maura yells to me, she wants me to save her.

I try to take a step towards them but I'm stopped by this invisible wall that doesn't let me near them.

He touches her anywhere and everywhere. I keep thinking that this isn't happening, that it can't possibly be real.

He puts the blade to her neck before he pushes into her, tears stream down my face and I stop yelling. I whimper, silently waiting for it to end. But I don't know that it'll ever end, this will replay over and over again every time I close my eyes. Hoyt shudders and goes still.

The dream blurs, fading to black, but my heart continues to race like it's going to explode. There are arms around me and a soft voice in my ear. Maura holds me, saying soothing words that don't register. I'm not fully awake, but I'm not asleep. I'm caught in between. I feel Maura's warm skin on my arms. She holds on to me with her face nuzzled in my neck. My cheeks are cold and damp like I've been crying forever. I wish it would stop, but it never does. Drowsiness overtakes me and pulls me back under, but I don't dream.

The next time my eyes open I notice the darkness has been replaced by light coming in through the window. I stretch out my body, noticing there's more space in the bed than there should be. I sit up and look around to see that I'm alone.

"Maura?" I call out.

A piece of paper on the nightstand catches my eye. I grab it, it's a note from Maura telling me she had to go home. I'm disappointed, but I'm glad she left before I woke up I don't have to explain to her where I'm going or why. I look at the clock and jump out of bed in a frenzy.

I text Tommy on my way out the door. He replies back a few minutes later informing me that everything is in place.

Harrison drives me to the airport where I board my private jet to California.

I call Maura half way into my flight.

"Hello." She says.

"Hey, I'm gonna miss lunch, I have a meeting out of town today." I say.

"Okay. Well be safe." She says.

This is where one of us should say bye and hang up, but neither one of us do.

"Thank you," I finally say.

"For what?"

I press my lips together. I don't want to say it, but I should.

"For last night. I know you woke me up and calmed me down. I kind of suck at that. So thank you."

"You're welcome Jane." She says.

"I guess I'll talk to you later." I say.

"Okay, bye Jane."

"Bye."

I hit the end button on my phone and take a deep breath. I run my finger across the small scar on my neck and think. I hate that I'm keeping secrets from Maura again, but I don't want to fight with her about what I'm about to do. After today we'll both be safe.

My nightmare from last night returns and I shutter. I'll protect Maura and myself with my life if I have to.

When we land there's a rental car waiting for me, just as I asked Tommy to do for me. I text Tommy again and tell him I'm on my way.

I stop at an abandoned warehouse and go inside. My heart is pounding.

"Your good to go Jane." Tommy says when I get to him.

"Jane?" That voice.

My spine straightens. Every little hair on my neck stands on end. I look around for him. My fight or flight kicks in and my feet want to run, but fear holds me. It's the same voice from my nightmares. It's a voice that I'll never forget.

I spot him, Tommy has him tied to a chair. He can't touch me I remind myself.

"We found this on him Jane." Tommy says holding out his hand.

I take it from him, and I'm suddenly aware of how much air I'm breathing, and the way my skin is prickling. Little bumps form on my arms when I see the knife Hoyt used to use on me.

I move closer to Hoyt, ready to end this. Hoyt gives me a smile that makes my blood run cold. It's the same look he had in his eye before he...I push away the memories, but they won't be tamed. I'm suddenly there again, letting him use me however he wants. I feel the pain from the knife sear my neck like he just did it. I shiver and try to force them back, but I can't, not with Hoyt right here.

"Nice way to say hello. You were always a bit of a bitch, weren't you?" His eyes drop to my neck and he grins.

"It scarred." He says, looking back into my eyes.

I can't. I can't. I can't, is replaying over and over again in my mind, but I say nothing. I'm frozen.

"Fun times, huh, Janie?" His eyes sweep over my body and it feels as if I've been raped all over again.

That's when I move. I step forward and open the blade.

"Remember this?" I flick it close to his face. He tries to get away. There's nowhere to go.

"Yeah, you want me to use it on you?"

I laugh, but there's no joy in it.

"I remember all the times you used it on me, all the things you did."

I touch the knife to his throat as I speak, pressing the tip into his neck deeper and deeper. The last string that was holding me together has come undone.

Hoyt starts swearing at me, threatening all kinds of things. I twist the point and watch a bead of red drip down his neck.

"Now we match." I say.

My eyes flick to his. I feel the tension in my arm, the need to release the energy and fear, inside of me.

That's when I hear her voice. It moves through the shadows toward me. At first I think I'm hallucinating, then I actually see Maura.

"Jane stop." She says.

But I can't move. I grip the knife tighter, thinking that Maura will try to take it away. I don't wonder why she's here or how she found me. I see flashes of silver and think the blade is on me. I act like I'm the one being attacked and I can't stop. I don't want to stop.

"He used this on me, this same blade. He scarred me inside and out."

"I know he did." Maura is next to me, but she doesn't touch my arm. "But this isn't the right thing to do."

The sound of my breath fills my head. I feel like I'm in control, but I'm not. I can't think, I can't blink. I'm locked in place, staring down the man who ruined my life.

I press the blade deeper.

"Jane please." Maura says, pleading with me.

I pull back and the knife moves off of Hoyt's neck, He inhales sharply. Emotions violently slam into me, so hard that I'm shaking as I move away from him, I'm forced to bend at the waist as my body tries to expel the contents of my stomach, but there isn't anything there, so I dry heave.

Maura holds my back and speaks softly to me. Her words float by my ears, but I don't understand her. I'm letting the bastard go. After all the years of searching and waiting for the right moment, I'm going to let him walk out of here, but I can't.

"I have to end this. I can't have him..." I trail off as I try to get back up. Maura's breath is on my neck.

"You'll never see him again. I promise. Give me the knife." Maura slips her hand over mine as she speaks and closes her palm over mine. She gently takes it out of my hand.

"I'll take care of this. Get her out of here." I hear Harrison's voice.

Someone's holding me up but I don't know who. Maura has stepped towards Tommy to give the knife back to him. I look up into the face of Arthur Isles.

"What the hell." I say.

"She cares about you." He gestures towards Maura. "I can't let you get yourself in trouble for her sake Rizzoli."

Arthur starts pulling me away.

"Wait." I choke out. But Arthur doesn't stop.

We are back on the plane before I realize it. I don't even remember the car ride.

I slip into the seat and let fear silence me.

Their voices finally make it through to me. Maura is still speaking softly to me Arthur is speaking to Tommy and I haven't heard Harrison voice since the warehouse.

"I'm so sorry Jane." I hear Maura say for the tenth time since I finally started listening again.

"Don't apologize. I hate it when people apologize. It doesn't change anything! I yell, startling everyone Including myself. Maura looks as if I slapped her with a board, sitting rigid in the seat, shaking her head in a yes motion.


	14. Chapter 14

Maura's point of view.

I don't say anything else to Jane after her outburst. I understand why she's mad, and I don't blame her. I just wish I knew what to do now.

When Angela called me at work this morning and gave me Tommy's number, and told me it was important that I get ahold of him I knew today wouldn't be as great as yesterday. I just didn't know it was going to end up like this.

When the plane lands, we greet Charlie who's been waiting on us since we left. We all climb in my fathers car. Jane doesn't say a word to anyone, and wish I could read the expression on her face.

We stop at Angela's and Tommy is the only one to get out, I want to stay with Jane. I tell him thank you as he steps out. If it wasn't for him we wouldn't have been able to stop Jane today. Jane and Tommy share a look, and I know they will have words soon.

Jane and I get out at her place.

"Call me tomorrow." My dad says before I shut the door.

"I will." I say.

Jane places her hand at the small of my back and leads me forward. When we get in the elevator Jane turns towards me.

She stays silent, but she looks like she wants to say something.

"I was only trying to help you." I whisper.

The look on her face turns angry, like she's lost some battle of self control within herself.

"You took the only chance I had at ending this nightmare away from me."

She takes a few steps towards me, and I step backwards. I lean against the elevator wall as she locks her arms on each side of me.

She shakes her head as if she's having a conversation with herself, and her expression softens slowly as she looks at me. She drops her arms, and looks away from me. She doesn't look back at me again as the elevator continues rising up to her floor.

When we walk out of the elevator and into Jane's apartment she walks ahead of me, lays her phone on the table in the living room as she walks by to get the the stairs.

"Jane, please talk to me." I say.

"Don't go looking to pick a fight with me, Maura. Seriously. I am not in the mood."

"Im not trying to fight I just want to talk, maybe it'll help."

Jane ignores me and continues to walk away.

I grab her phone without thinking. Without meaning to, I'm not even aware of it until its too late to do anything about it, and I hurl her phone at her. Hard. And I miss.

Jane spins back around to face me.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" She demands. It suddenly seems like I have.

Her anger makes me crumple. Heat floods my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to throw your phone i really didn't." I say.

She throws her hands up like she is done with this conversation.

"I'm going to sleep." She turns back towards the stairs, and I grab her arm.

"Maura. Seriously. Enough." Its a patronizing tone. An indication that she thinks I am irrational and annoying. I don't let go.

"Jane please talk to me, yell at me again if you have to, but please don't shut me out."

In a second she's got a hold of me and has me pinned to the wall, and she kisses me roughly.

My body's on fire, my skin tingles all over, my stomach is doing flips the second her mouth touches mine. I try to catch my breath but she doesn't give me long before her hand slips between my thighs under my skirt and she moves my moist panties to one side and her fingers move inside me.

I bury my head in her shoulder but she grabs my hair and pulls my head back so that I'm forced to look at her.

"Talking doesn't help." She whispers, and I can't reply.

She goes faster and faster, too fast. I can barely breath, I can't get enough air but my body can't get enough of her. I feel it coming on faster and faster. Her fingers cause the most perfect pleasure. I cant hold it back anymore. My hips buck and i come hard. The force of it leaves me quivering and whimpering in her arms. She pulls her fingers out of me and wraps her arms around me pulling me as close to her as possible.

When my breathing slows I take everything in. We are so close that I can feel a bulge at my stomach. I've never noticed this before, but she's always kept that part of her body away from me. I move my body against her and hear her sharp intake of air. Her jaw clenches, and she moves her body away from me, but keeps me trapped against the wall.

I look into her eyes, and the pain I see in them makes me want to help her with whatever she has to go through, and I will be here for her when she's ready, but not when she's like this.

"I'm leaving, Jane." I whisper.

"What?" She asks, as if she didn't hear me.

"Please let me go."

"You can't be mad that I don't tell you every fucking detail on my mind?" She snarls.

"That's not what this is about, and you know it!" I say, feeling my throat start to burn. "I just...I want you to let me in, I want to try to break down this emotional wall you have between us right now."

"If I don't want to talk to you, you should respect my decision." She says.

"That's not how a relationship works Jane. It feels like we take a step forward, and you run two steps back."

"When I first met you, this was how I was. This is who I am, and I'm going to be like this tomorrow. You knew this when you met me! You accepted it then. I never promised you anything different. Don't turn shit around now."

"You think I'm going to accept that?"

"Why not? Why do you focus on shit that isn't important? At the end of the day, all other bullshit aside, I'm here with you!" She yells.

"Because I'm trying Jane!" I shout back at her in disbelief.

Her hard frown softens, I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn't. I guess she really doesn't have to, what else can she say?

"Let me go." I growl, as I try to push her away.

"You're kidding." She lets out a light laugh. That sends me over the edge.

"Let me go now!" I yell so loud that I surprise myself. "Jane, I swear to God, if you don't let me go right now.."

"The next time you tell me you're leaving, you wont be coming back." She says coldly.

Before I am aware of what I'm doing, my hand lifts, she knows it is coming. I see the recognition as I close in on her face, but she doesn't stop me. instead, she lets my palm connect with her cheek in a loud crack.

Her eyes peer into mine with a warning look, and my heart is beating out of control. Its unclear what her next move will be. This is the first time I've truly been afraid of her.

"I'm sorry. I just… I can't…"

She lets me go.

I scramble to get to the elevator. I never should have come here tonight.

The doors open before I press the button and Angela is standing there, Tommy must have told her to come.

Angela looks back and fourth between the two of us torn between staying here with her daughter or following me out.

"Take her home, Ma." Jane says.

"Jane." I say softly, purposefully erasing the contempt that laced my voice just a few minutes before. I don't think she should be alone.

She looks at me, the expression on her face is set in a hard frown.

"Take her home." She repeats herself, and then she turns her back on the both of us. 


	15. Chapter 15

Maura's point of view.

I get dressed slowly the next morning, and I wonder if it's too late to turn things around. Is it too late for her to break the hard mold shes created around herself? I want to fix this, us, her. But is she fixable? I take a deep breath and finish getting dressed. I glance in the mirror, assessing my appearance. I still look tired even after applying a bit of makeup, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I leave the bathroom and go into the kitchen where Angela is sitting down with a cup of coffee in hand. She smiles as I enter.

"Let me get you some coffee." she says quickly. I start to protest, but realize it's easier to just accept it.

I sit down.

I take the cup she offers, and she sits down next to me.

"Do you want to talk?" She asks.

I don't know she if she will understand. She'll probably think I am silly or over emotional if I told her how I really felt.

"Maura, you can tell me anything." Angela says reassuringly.

I sigh, and look at my cup.

"When jane and I first met, it was like… it was like I was dreaming. She was this mysterious, intelligent woman. All that I could ask for. I'd never felt as attracted to anyone as I was to her. My hormones took control, and left my brain behind."

I look awkwardly at Angela, who has a small smile on her face.

"Go on." She says clasping her hands.

"It was like I wasn't living in the real world. It was just us. In the real world, I wouldn't just go with someone I barely knew without asking any questions. But with Jane, I basically knew nothing about her, and I didn't care. Because though I didn't know facts, I thought, well, I felt like we were connected. And then I found out about Charles Hoyt and her condition, and she really opened up to me, and I told her things that I've never told anyone." I pause, reflecting on last week with Jane during our lunch hours that I'd revealed all my soul. Her eyes on me as if I were the only person in the world.

"Her eyes… those eyes were what I fell in love with first. They're what makes me forgive her a thousand times over." My jaw drops as I realize what I've just said out loud.

I look at Angela. She's smiling.

"I just need to..." I trail off as Jane comes into the kitchen. Did she sleep here? I didn't hear her come in the front door.

Her face is expressionless, as she glances at me.

"I don't…" I begin, but she holds a hand up, stopping me mid sentence.

"I'm not doing this with you today. If you want to fight, stay here and argue with yourself." She says disdainfully. I look at her standing there expressionless.

I think of how she has the nerve to stroll up as if all this is my fault. I want to throw a fit and yell at her. I fight every urge inside of me to smack her across the face again.

"Let's go." She orders me, I stand. And I hate myself for moving so quick at her demand.

We don't say anything to each other on the ride there or in the elevator. When it stops at my floor, Jane doesn't even look at me as I step out.

I work through a few new projects i have on my desk for the rest of the morning.

During my lunch hour I go up to Jane's floor, her office door is still shut. Susan, Jane's secretary is sitting at her desk, and I go to her.

"Hey." Susan glances up.

"Can you do me a favor? Will you check if Jane has anything on her calendar?"

Susan moves the mouse to her computer and clicks it a few time.

"Not for the next hour. Have at her."

I turn and walk through Jane's office door, knocking softly on the door frame.

"Do you have a minute?"

She glances up and gives me a curt nod.

"Yeah. Shut the door and come on in."

Jane sits down in her chair and leans back. After I shut the door.

"Are you still mad at me?" I ask.

She shrugs, and stares down looking more ashamed than i have ever seen her before.

I feel my anger and resolve crumbling.

"I'm sorry. I was caught off guard, yesterday and last night. I want you to know that I didn't mean anything I said."

I press my lips together. Should i say what i really think, or sugarcoat it for her?

"Why tell me everything else, start a relationship with me, but cut me out of that, and act like I'm this horrible person for stopping you. Sometimes I feel like we're going somewhere but then I feel like I'm just the girl you're sleeping who happens to work for you." I swallow the anger that rises inside of me. I want to keep things calm between us.

"It's not a fling. We are not a fling or just a casual fuck. Maura, I care about you. I'm completely lost to you, but you have to understand I'm not used to having to consult anyone on anything. I've been alone for a long time." She closes her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I have reasons for that, stop bringing it up like I'm the villain. I'm not."

"I'm aware of that, but..." I blow out a hot breath and force myself to calm down.

Before either of us can say anything more a knock at the door interrupts us. Susan sticks her head in.

"Sorry, Mr. Wayne is on the phone. He's in no mood to call back."

"I'll get it. Thanks, Susan."

Susan closes the door and Jane looks back at me.

"We'll talk tonight."

"Alright." I want to push farther, but there is no reason to. She needs to answer the phone, and i need something cheesy or greasy to make life seem better.

I walk out of the office, and quietly close the door to find Susan watching me.

"Food?" She picks up her purse.

"Sounds good." I say.

Jane ends up having to work late, and Angela picks me up from work. After we have dinner I go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night to the soft touch of fingers rubbing my thigh. I jerk up to find Jane in the bed behind me.

"Sorry. I was going to knock, but you were asleep and I realized how nice it would be to just come in and snuggle up behind you." She grins at me and continues to drag her fingers along my skin.

I drop back down on the bed and Jane moves closer, pressing her erection against me. It surprises me so much I whimper and press back, as Jane moves her hand up my leg, and over my hip and into my thin top.

She presses her lips to the side of my neck as she finds my breast. She drags her fingers back and forth over my breast teasing me.

I cup her hand over my breast and entwine my legs with hers. She is in jeans and a t-shirt from what I can tell, but her feet are bare. I rub mine against the soft skin of hers until she jerks her feet away from me.

"Damn, woman. My feet are ticklish."

She moves back and rolls me over, smiling down at me. I reach up and run my fingers through her thick black hair.

"We need to talk." I say.

With a groan she lays on her back and stares at the ceiling. Her breath catches in her throat, as she struggles with something internally. I'm about to tell her never mind, that we don't have to talk if she doesn't want to, but then she starts talking.

"I wanted him dead, the thought of him still breathing scares the shit out of me you have to understand that. When you stopped me yesterday I didn't know what else to do, but lash out at you. I realize now it wasn't right and I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jane." I say.

She takes a few deep breaths, and then some more, until she stops breathing all together for a few minutes.

"He used to like to play these games." She whispers. "Sometimes they were simple like truth or dare, other time's it would be something that I knew I could never win, but I would have to try or else I'd feel like I just asked for it, but even if I won he still did those things to me." She squeezes her eyes shut and I wonder if she's trying to hold back tears. "God, this is so fucking hard. Why is it so hard?"

I don't answer because I don't know if she's talking to me or herself.

"He would touch me, touch my..." She doesn't say it, but she gestures with her hand towards her area. "No matter how much I tried to stop it my body reacted to it every time. He would smile when it got hard. I tried so damn hard not to let it..."

She tucks her fingernails into her palms and clenches her hands into fist.

"Or he would make me touch myself, if I refused he'd take that damn knife out of his pocket. I have so many scars on my body because that knife. You know what really fucking sucks. Is that I just let him do all those things, was I that afraid of him?"

"You were just a kid." I tell her. "It wasn't your fault."

"So. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I didn't do anything to try and stop it, because I was afraid of him...still am sometimes. I have trouble talking about everything he did, it was a lot more than just touching me, it was...He used to, well I mean...God, I sound like a fucking kid."

I hold her close to me.

"It's okay Jane, you don't have to say anything more if you don't want to."

She doesn't, and I find myself getting tired again as the quiet continues and my eyes close.

I wake up again sometime during the

night, the room is dark. Jane is not with me on the bed, or anywhere in the room. I get up, and search for her, hoping she hasn't left the house.

I find her standing outside on the back porch by the railings, looking out at the sky. I stand by the door, just looking at her. She still wearing her T-shirt and jeans, and the air is cold, but she doesn't seem to feel it. As I watch, she runs a hand through her hair, then leans forward on the railings, releasing a sigh as the muscles of her back flex with the movement.

I find myself wondering what she's thinking. There's something melancholy about her solitude, and I'm hesitant to disturb her, but almost as if she can feel me standing there, she turns around and straightens.

"You should be asleep." She says.

"So should you." There's a hint of tiredness in her eyes. "What are you doing out here?"

"Just thinking."

I join her at the railing.

"What about?"

When she doesn't answer I turn to look at her. She's looking straight ahead, her eyes focused on the darkness.

"When I was a kid, and my parents were fighting I used to come out here, and look at the sky. I always imagined being someone else."

"Are you imagining you were someone else now?" I ask.

"No. I'm thinking about how easy things would be right now if I had been born normal. My parents wouldn't have fought like they did, I never would have met Hoyt and we could have a normal relationship."

I move my hand slowly and grab hers, I don't want to frighten her by moving to fast. She seems to be in a far off place right now.

"If you were normal we may not have met, and I can't imagine going through life without ever having met you."

She's quiet again for a long time.

The wind moves, causing me to shiver slightly. Jane notices.

"You're cold." She says. "Come on. Let's go back inside."

She puts her arms around me, her skin is warm, even though she's been standing out here for a long time. In the bedroom she pulls the covers back on the bed, and we lay down.

She wraps her arms around me and I snuggle as close to her as I can, and I close my eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, when she's quiet for far to long.

"You really want to know?"

I nod my head.

"I always do."

"I don't want to hurt you in this." She shakes her head. "I care too much about you to hurt you at all, but I feel like I'm always hurting you. Sometimes I feel it would be easier for you if you left me."

Pain slices through the center of my chest. It feels like she's trying to say she doesn't want to be with me.

My breathing becomes ragged. She puts her hand on my hip and squeezes lightly.

"Don't think for a second that I want you to go. I never want you to go. I want you here. With me… but I want you to be happy, if that makes any sense."

I consider what she said.

"I get what you're saying." I say. "But I don't agree with it. You're the only person who I have ever felt whole with."

"You don't know that." She keeps trying to push me away. "There could easily be other people out there."

I shake my head. "There's not and I don't want there to be."

"Maura." She says softly and places her hand on my cheek, rubbing it gently. "I'm not good for you. You deserve better."

"There's nothing better." I say quietly, staring at the foot of the bed, blinking back the tears. "You just need to realize that."

"I just want you to be free… from all my shit and my fucking complicated life."

"I don't want to be free. I don't care about your complicated life or your problems. I just want you… and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be to be happy. We'll figure this out Jane."

"You are the most amazing person." She whispers. "You really are."

"So are you."

She doesn't say anything more and the steady rise and fall of her chest lures me to sleep. I feel it when she gets back up the loss of her warmth almost jerking me out of sleep. She doesn't return until it's getting light outside.


	16. Chapter 16

Maura's point of view.

A few weeks later, when things seem to be going really well for us, Jane goes out of town for some business meetings, and I notice a missed call from my father. I haven't heard from him since the day we went and got Jane from California, and I wonder if Jane's out of town business has something to do with Charles Hoyt. I listen to the voicemail

"Hi, honey." My father says gruffly. He sounds strange. "I, uh, was wondering if you would want to meet for lunch sometime this week. My treat, of course. Call me back. I love you."

My father hasn't taken me out to lunch for no apparent reason since I was in high school. Now I really do start to worry.

I sit and stare at my phone for a few minutes and then call him back, sort of relieved when it goes to voicemail. I tell him I can do lunch whenever he's available.

After I hang up I turn back to my computer screen and bury myself deep into work, so I don't worry as much.

I have lunch with Susan Jane's secretary, she's become one my favorite people at work besides for Jane, but today I haven't been up for conversation.

"We should really do lunch more often." Susan says as I hang up my phone for the fourth time trying to get ahold of Jane.

"Absolutely." I say.

I glance at my phone again, hoping it'll ring.

"Do you think she's done with her meetings?" I ask.

"She should be, but she's been a little edgy the last few days, but you know we have our investment conference coming up. She's always a little moody this time of the year."

She stares at me with a silly grin on her face.

"Though she has been happier than normal lately." I try to ignore Susan's comment and not blush at the same time. Its nearly impossible.

My phone rings before I can say anything to her. I glance down hoping its Jane. I answer it quickly when I see its my father.

"Hello." I say.

"Hey sweetie, why don't we do dinner tonight instead of lunch?" He says, he sounds rushed and that bothers me.

"Sure." I say.

We don't talk very long, and when I hang up I decide to enjoy lunch with Susan and figure out what's going on later.

I meet my father at an Italian restaurant down the street from my work. He's already there, looking awkward and uncomfortable when he rises to give me a hug.

He smiles at me.

"Hello, sweetie. You look nice."

I look down. I'm wearing a new suit that Jane bought me.

"Thank you, you look good, too." I lean in for a quick hug. "You ready to order?"

He nods. "Do you have much time?"

"Yes." I smile.

"How have you been?" He asks, after we order.

"I've been okay." I eye him suspiciously. "What's going on, Dad? We've never done this, so we can't exactly pretend this is a normal thing."

"I know, I know." He sighs. "I didn't want to worry you with this, but I can't get Jane to answer her phone. Two detectives came to my office last week questioning me about Charles Hoyt."

"What? Why?"

"They have an open case against him, and they noticed I've been looking into him."

"Can you get in trouble?"

"No, but I think Jane can." He stops as our drinks are placed in front of us. "He's missing, and they know whatever it is that Jane never told me."

"What did Harrison do with him?"

"Nothing that I know of, that's why I'm trying to get ahold of Jane."

I grab my purse, and get my phone out. I look through my contacts until I find her name, and call her again. I set it down with a frustrated sigh.

"You have no idea why she's out of town right now?"

"No. Why?" He asks, concerned.

I shake my head.

"It's nothing, I was just wondering." I say. There's no point in concerning him when she really could be in meetings. "I'll have her get a hold of you."

He's smiles.

While we eat we talk about mom and our work. When I get home I try to call Jane again with no answer.

The next day I spend it waiting on Jane to call me back.

"We have a lot of things to go over be before the meeting with the investors." I look up when I hear Jane's voice, she's standing in front of my desk with Melody. "I need you to make sure everything's in order so we can get the best deal. This is what's going to get the investors sold on the project."

Jane looks at melody, her expression cool and indifferent.

"Send those emails, Ms. Connors" She hands melody a stack of files. "Keep these in your office till the meeting with the investors."

"Would you like me to take notes?"

"That won't be necessary." Jane waves her hand. "I expect you to convert everything I record into a word processor."

Melody nods and then she walks towards her office.

Jane turn towards me, and my breath catches at how good looking she is. She has the kind of looks women dream about having. Combined with her potent sexual magnetism, she's the stuff fantasies are made of. Right now though, she looks almost unapproachable. She has retreated behind that wall again.

"You look nice." She says with a smile.

"You don't look too bad yourself." I reply, inhaling the intoxicating scent of her perfume, mixed with the smell of her body wash and shampoo.

She grins. "I aim to please."

"And you never miss." I quip.

Her eyes hold mine.

"Not if I can help it. You ready?"

"Ready for what?" I ask.

"Did you not get my email?"

"No. What email?"

"Come on, Maura." She says, coming around my desk, and pulling me to my feet. She grabs my purse as she leads me out of my cubical.

"Where are we going?" I ask, when we are in the elevator.

She reaches over and strokes a hand over mine, making me look up to see her smiling at me. I feel a pull in my stomach, equal parts desire, longing, and another ache I can't even identify. All the questions I have about where she's been and why she hasn't answered my calls evaporate.

"It's a surprise."

When we get into her car she turns the radio on pushes a button and I smile when country starts playing. Her mind seems far away as she looks straight ahead.

I reach for Jane's hand as we drive through the city.

"Are you really not going to tell me where we are going?"

I hope it has little to do with the office or work, and more to do with us. So much of Jane's persona was created due to her success, and a lot of our relationship is based on our work lives. Hopefully today is a different area of interest.

"To the harbor, I thought it might be nice to have a day out of the office It's supposed to be beautiful today, and I want time with you." She squeezes my hand.

"I've got a boat out there." She laughs. "What do you think? Food great company."

I smile at her, I love the sound of her laugh. She is breathtakingly gorgeous, but her personality only makes her more attractive.

She tugs her hand from mine and parks the car.

"You ready for a day of relaxation?"

"Yes. We both need this." I get out and walk around the car.

Jane is in the backseat, getting a basket and a few other things out. I take the basket and hold it up.

"What's in here?"

"Wine, some fruits that I know you like, and..." She takes the basket and opens it, and tugs a handful of flowers from it, "...I got these for you."

"Oh, Jane, I love them." I take them and lift them to my face. "You didn't have to do all of this."

"I wanted to. We've had a long couple of weeks, and getting away from the house and everyone seemed like a great way to focus a little more on each other."

She walk onto the small yacht and sets the basket down before turning and offering me a hand. I take her hand, and she helps me on, when she lets go I sit down on the closest seat I can find. She smirks before sitting down next to me. She slides her arm behind me and pulls me close, kissing the side of my face before touching my cheek and pulling me in for a long kiss.

I brake away a moment later.

"Jane, I had dinner with my father last night he told me he had some detective's visit with him about Charles Hoyt, he thinks you could be in trouble."

"I know." She says.

I pull away from her.

"How long have you known?"

"A few days, but it's not that big of a deal. Harrison and I went to track him down again, we think we've located him."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you contact my father?"

"Maura." She reaches for my hand. "It's not a big deal, and I didn't call your father because I knew they were talking to him. Just please forget this for the moment and let's have a good day?"

"Okay." I say.

That's what we do for the rest of the day, we don't talk about Charles Hoyt, the detectives, or work. And it's a wonderful day with her.

When we get back into Jane's car to go home I don't say anything, and Jane reaches out and takes my hand.

Her phone buzzes and accidentally connects to the car stereo as she answers.

"Hey Tommy, what's up." She say as she answers.

"I need to talk to you Janie."

"Okay, you in trouble?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"It's about dad." Tommy says, and Jane lets go of my hand.

I run my hands together, suddenly not sure how this conversation is going to go. Not sure how Jane is going to react. I swallow.

"He's hoping I might talk some sense into you."

"He's wrong. Whatever he wants, I'm not giving in." Her hand tightens on the steering wheel "Money?"

"No."

"I bet it's money. I told him..."

"Jane, he has cancer."

Jane freezes. Her mouth opens but no words come out. She closes it again and stares at the highway.

"What?" She finally whispers.

"He wants to see you again."

I reach for her hand and lightly rest my fingers on the arm of her seat, too unsure to reach out and touch her.

"How long has he had cancer?"

"He's been receiving chemo treatments for the past three months."

Jane shakes her head, before she straightens and presses her lips together in a tight line. A sharp breath pushes through her nose.

"It doesn't matter. It won't change anything. That bastard can rot in hell for all I care."

I move back as if Jane has slapped my hand.

"You don't mean that." Tommy says. "Don't let your anger or your pride keep you from seeing him. You'll regret it, trust me."

"Trust you?" Jane scoffs. "My pride has nothing to do with it." She then reaches out and ends the call.

It takes everything in me not to say anything and just let her be. The muscles in her jaw work as she gets her thoughts and emotions under control.

"I need a drink." Jane finally says.

We end up at a bar about a mile or so from Angela's house. An off the road place that I could never have pictured Jane going in to.

Jane points at a table and walks to the bar to grab drinks.

I slid on the bench and wait for Jane.

Jane comes over a few moments later, carrying two pint glasses.

She leans over and sets a pale amber yellow bubbling looking pint in front of me before sitting down on the chair across the table.

"It's cider. I wasn't sure if you liked beer. I actually don't really know what you drink." She grins.

I pick up my glass and try a tentative sip. It was bubbly but light, almost fruity.

"Cider? A girl's version of beer?" I kind of like the aftertaste and take another sip.

Jane chuckles. "Sort of."

She take a long swig of her dark amber glass.

We sit quietly for a few moments, we are both angled so we can watch the other customers talking and laughing where they sit.

I know I should say something to help Tommy, because I know the emotions that crossed her face before she tried to bury them behind anger. I reach for her hand and she turns to look at me.

"Your father's dying and wants to see you again." I move closer to her. "And I know you're not happy with things the way they are. Maybe I can help figure this out, but I can't do anything unless you let me."

Jane glares at me for a long moment, and then stares past me at the wall behind me.

"I was seventeen almost eighteen when I graduated early, only because I was able to test out." Jane starts talking, as I sip my drink and then set it down to lean closer so i can hear her.

"I got a job waiting tables to put myself through college. When I was nineteen I made my first investment and started researching the stock market, and Wall Street. By the time I graduated with a bachelor's in business, I was already making enough off of my investments to live off of. I started my own stock broker company the week I graduated."

"That's incredible."

"I was determinded to make something of myself and prove that bastard wrong."

"That's why you work so hard?" I ask. "Because you're angry at your father?"

She shakes her head and lets go of my hand so she can motion to the bar to bring us another drink.

"It started out that way," she admits. "Then it became an obsession. The more money I made, the easier it was to pretend I was someone else." She pauses when the bartender sets two new glasses on the table. Jane takes a swig and then clears her throat.

"Someone who doesn't have a screwed up past and an asshole father. So I guess you were right, I am pretending."

I shake my head, I didn't really mean it, when I said that.

She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose as if she suddenly has a bad headache.

"I won't go see him."

I don't want to push it, so I don't say another word about it.

A few hours, and a lot more beer and shots for Jane later, she has passed the point of being drunk. She's never been like this before, so not in control of a situation. I decide to get her out of here.

I take her to Angela's, getting her out of the car and in the house was like pulling teeth, when she takes herself to the couch I don't try to stop her.

"Come sit next to me." She whines.

I smile at her, when all I really want to do is laugh. I sit down next to her, and she turns her whole body towards me.

"Maura, I...I really want to kiss you right now."

"Oh yeah?" I say, and can't help but laugh.

She sweeps my hair out of my face and peers up at me. "Can I?"

"Yeah, you can."

She lets out a tense breath and leans toward me, tipping her head to the side as she seals her mouth to mine. She lets out a breathy moan that floods my body with a hunger. She grabs my waist, and pulls me onto her lap so I'm straddling her.

"I can't stop myself with you." She says.

A tiny gasp escapes my lips as I feel her hardness press against me.

"Jane…" I start, but trail off as she knots her fingers through my hair and escort my face toward hers. Moving her lips down my neck.

"I have to tell you something." The back of my mind screams at me to stop whatever she's going to say.

"I've never felt this way about anyone before."

My body goes rigid, and I pull back to stare at her face.

"What?"

"You and me… I like it so much. I've never liked the idea of being with anyone before."

Exhaling slowly, I start to push upward and to climb off the top of her, but she grabs ahold of me.

"I think maybe we should talk about something else."

"Like what?" She asks.

"Like something that makes you happy." I suggest. "Or something that you're not going to regret in the morning."

"That's you. Maura, you're the only person that's ever made me feel happy about anything. You changed something in me, you made me want to live."

"Jane, I really think you need to get some sleep now." I say, and again try to climb off her but she doesn't let me.

She catches ahold of my hand and places it on her erection on top of pants.

"Jane." I warn.

I move my hand away. I don't want to push her that far, especially since she's drunk. She grabs and my hand again and places it back, and she doesn't move her hand off mine.

"Please Maura." She pleads.

I slowly start to move my hand along the hard ridge. When I met her eyes again she looks as if she barely restraining herself. She stares at the wall behind me, her hand tight around mine. She's tense.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

She leans up and covers my mouth with hers, kissing me with an intensity that feels as if she's getting to the very depths of my soul.

She pulls her lips away from mine, her brown eyes are dark with desire. Holding my gaze like some kind of erotic hypnotist, she starts to move her hand that has ahold of mine against her.

I can't look away from her eyes, as her control begins to slip. She groans softly, and her hand tightens on mine.

Should I stop this? It's pretty clear she's never gone this far before and I don't want to be the one responsible for pushing her where she's not ready to go.

"Jane." I say, but her fingers tighten around my hand, her nails piercing my skin as she lets out a moan and I know she's close.

"Fuck!" The word comes out as a low, harsh whisper. A tortured sigh escapes her, and her hips thrust forward, her muscles stiffen and her whole body shudders.

I watch her in complete awe as she works to reclaim control of her thoughts. As she settles down, her whole face sinks and my chest tightens as she stares over my shoulder.

"Hey?" I graze my finger cheek "Are you okay?"

She blinks at me. "Yeah, I'm fine." She lets go of my hand, and moves me off of her. "Can you just give me a few moments?"

I'm worried. The sadness that washed away from her eyes momentarily has returned and is magnified. We sit in silence for several minutes, I don't know if I should say anything.

"Come on, let's go to bed." She finally says.

Her eyes are downcast as we walk to my bedroom, neither one of us change into pajamas we just climb in the bed. I fall asleep laying on my side facing away from Jane, she doesn't move to close the distance between us.

AN-I've rewritten this chapter four times, and I really hope you guys like it.


	17. Chapter 17

Jane's point of view.

I wake up screaming, and in a panic. When I finally realize I'm in Maura's bedroom and not Hoyt office I calm down and lay back down on the bed. I look over at Maura who's still sleeping, and I'm glad I didn't wake her up. Last night comes back to me, what I let happen, what I made happen. I have no idea what happened. Well, actually I do. I had my first...I can't even say it...that didn't involve Hoyt, and It felt so good, I wanted it. But when it was over, it was his face I saw instead of Maura's. I get out of bed and walk down the hall to the bathroom, lock the door and collapse onto my knees in front of the toilet. I lift the lid, feeling the pain burn in my stomach. I want it out. So badly. I drop my head down, and force everything to exit my body. My shoulders jerk and the vomit tears at my throat. My eyes water and my nostrils burn as I lean away and rest my back against the wall and, my head falls back. My chest is twitching fitfully as I work to breathe.

"I don't want to be this way." I whisper as my eyes fill up with tears.

I fucking hate him for doing this to me with every single ounce of strength that I own. I tuck my fingernails into my palms, and stab them into my skin. Every part of my body wants to escape, be alone, find something sharp and bleed the pain out of me, even though I've never done that before.

What if I had told someone. What if I'd never had to suffer in silence for three years? What if my life had been different? I usually always shove these thoughts right out of my head. The what ifs aren't important. I can't go back through time and change things, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

My fingers pierce deeper into my skin.

When I get myself in control I brush my teeth and find some of my clothes, take a quick shower, then go into the kitchen knowing I won't get anymore sleep so I might as well make coffee. My mother is sitting at the table drinking tea. I blink to make sure I really see her.

"Ma?"

Her head snaps up to me.

"Hey, sweetheart. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just couldn't sleep. What about you?"

"Same."

I chew on my lip and sit down opposite her.

"Do you want some hot chocolate?" She asks.

"Sure." I say and smile. When I was younger and couldn't sleep she would make me hot chocolate.

I watch my mother boil the kettle and get the mugs out. She is to calm. That means something is bothering her.

"Are you okay, Ma?"

She nods and busies herself making hot chocolate. I smile as she sits back down, handing me a mug.

"Can we talk?" She asks.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?"

"Were you dreaming about him?" She asks. She heard me.

I nod.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't think you want me to. I don't want you to feel guilty."

She takes my hand.

"I feel guilty whether you talk about it or not. You should be able to talk to me. I want you to. There is nothing we can't discuss, and I've wanted to apologize for so long, I'm sorry I didn't protect you."

A tear slides down her face and I instantly get up, and move around to her side of the table and hug her.

"Please, don't apologize, Ma. There was no way you could have known what was happening." I whisper.

"I should have." She murmurs against my hair. "I don't understand how you're not angry with me."

"Because it wasn't your fault."

I pull back and wipe the tears from her face, I smile and squeeze her hand. She looks me in the eyes.

"You are so brave, my beautiful girl."

I don't feel brave. Tired and desperate are better words I would use to describe myself. Im tired of trying to move on. Tired of seeing his face. Tired of being scared that he can somehow get to me again. Most of all, I am just desperate to get my life back.

She takes a deep breath and wipes her tears.

"I keep going back to how much you changed, and how I should have realized what was going on."

"I didn't want you to find out as much as he didn't. He told me so many things. He told me that you would hate me. You wouldn't want me anymore, that he would get me taken away from you, and that you wouldn't believe me. I was so scared. As I got older, I realized you wouldn't, but I knew it would break your heart, and I didn't want that. After I stopped going, I convinced myself that everything would be okay, so I forced myself to leave it in the past."

"I would have always believed you."

"I know that now, and it means a lot."

She pulls me into a hug, it's tight and almost squeezes the air from my lungs.

When she pulls away she looks at me again.

"I'm so proud of you. The way you're handling everything is unbelievable. You deserve to be happy. Maura makes you happy, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she does."

"Don't let him ruin your happiness, Jane."

I nod again.

I finally realize how wrong he had been. My mother would never have abandoned me for speaking out. I wish I had known that years ago, but I was a kid, and I believed him.

"Whoa. What's go going on here?" Tommy asks, appearing in the doorway. "Oh, I see, having secret hot chocolate moments without me. I'm hurt." He pretends to stab his heart.

My mom sighs and shakes her head in discouragement.

"Sit down, Tommy." She gets up to make him a drink.

Tommy sits down and looks at me and I know he wants to say something about our conversation we had yesterday, but I shake my head. Ma doesn't need to hear any of that right now.

"So what are you two talking about? How awesome I am?" Tommy says.

My mom snorts which makes me laugh.

"See, this is why I'm unable to love." He says, waving his hand in our mothers direction. "When you're sitting in your big death chair in the retirement home, crying to yourself about never seeing your son get married, just remember it was half your fault."

I stare at him with the same dumbfound look my mother has on her face. These fine words came from an adult?

"A death chair in a retirement home." My mother repeats.

From everything in that little speech thats what stood out to her.

"Yeah. All those old people have a chair they always sit in, ninety per cent of them'll die there."

I shake my head.

"Wow." I say.

Im not even going to try. My mother opens her mouth but shuts it quickly.

Good call, Ma. Its best not to encourage him.

Maura comes into the kitchen then, and I advert my eyes from her. I look at the clock on the microwave, it's a little after six I should be getting ready for work, but I don't feel like doing all that today.

"Would you like some coffee sweetie?" I hear my mother ask.

"Yes please." Maura answers.

I feel her sit next to me, but I don't look at her. She sets my phone in front of me.

"It's been ringing for the last 30 minutes." She says.

I pick it up and look at the missed calls. Four are from Frankie and one is from melody. I hit Melody's number, and wait for her to answer.

"I have some of the investor information you asked for. The rest we had to order, but I have a few packets coming overnight to your office. They should be there by Monday." She says as soon as she answers.

"Of course, thanks."

"And Mr. Norlin wants to know if you've considered his offer?"

"He's got a great product, and he needs to start looking for a partner, but I'm not interested. I know a couple of financial moguls that might be. They're all incredibly smart where finances and investments are concerned. Make sure you bring that up with him next week. I'm sure he would be thrilled to work through any opportunity."

"Okay, I'll let him know."

"And tell Susan I won't be coming in today."

After I hang up I look up at my mother.

"What are you doing today?" My mother ask.

"I'm guessing Jane's hanging out with Maura, where they'll make eyes at each other and pretend they're not minutes away from ripping each other's clothes off." Tommy answers for me.

I reach across the table and smack him on the arm. "Shut up, Tommy."

"None of that at the table." My mother scolds us like we are children.

I hear Maura laugh, I can't help but to look over at her. I smile at her I want to let her know everything's okay but I don't know how.

Maura's point of view.

Jane pokes at her bunny pancakes, Angela cooked for us, and glances up at me just as Tommy takes the last strip of bacon from the plate in front of us.

"Stop hoarding bacon." Jane reaches across and steals a strip from Tommy.

"There's plenty more bacon, hon." Angela says from the stove.

Tommy grabs the strip away just as Janes about to eat it, and she bites air. I laugh. I love seeing them together like this.

"Get your own."

"You did not just do that." Jane says after blinking in shock.

Without warning, Jane leans across the table and smacks his arm again, but Angela is there. She swats Jane with the back of the spatula.

"Table manners, Jane."

She takes Jane plate.

"I'll get you some more bacon."

Jane folds her arms across her chest, and leans her chair back so it's on two legs and gives the most arrogant smirk I've ever seen.

I look away from her with a smile on my face. I take a bite of my bacon, or I plan on it, but Jane swats it out of my hands and it lands on my plate. I look at Jane and see she's looking pleased with herself. How did I get brought into this bacon war.

"You suck." I say.

"You like it."

My jaw drops in a surprise smile and I shove her shoulder. Her chair slips out from under her, and Jane topples over onto the floor.

Angela turns around from the stove.

"Enough of this. If you two are going to act like children go eat somewhere else."

"It wasn't me Ma, it was Maura." Tommy says.

Angela places the bacon on Jane's plate, picks it up, and shoves it in her hand before clapping at us.

"Come on. Take your things and eat in the living room."

Trying to keep from laughing, I grab my plate and walk into the living room while biting my tongue. Jane follows after me with a shocked expression on her face.

When I sit on the couch she sits next to me.

"She threw us out."

I start laughing loudly and shove her shoulder. Jane starts laughing with me and lunges at me. My plate of food goes flying with half of it landing on me and the rest falling in the floor.

"You suck!"

"So you've said." Jane pushes me back so I'm lying on my back and she's leans over me.

She suddenly has a very serious expression.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

"What for?" I ask.

"For last night, I think I took advantage of you."

"You didn't Jane, I wanted to do that for you. I'm just worried how that affected you."

"I'm okay, I may have had a mini melt down, but it's okay." She answers honestly.

Her hands move up and down my arms. Her body against mine feels like home and I allow myself to relax. I can feel her heart beating in her chest, steady and solid. I look into her face to see if I can figure out what she is thinking. She stares back at me with intense eyes, no smile on her face.

"I want..." Jane begins to say, but stops when the front door opens.

Frankie comes in followed closely by two detectives. Jane moves away from me, and I sit up trying to get the food off me.

"Jane they need to talk to you." Frankie says.

"Sure, just give me a minute to get cleaned up." Jane says. She takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom.

I pull out some clothes to change into, and Jane just stands at the door.

"If I asked you to stay in here, would you?"

"No." I say.

"Of course not."

I change, and Jane leads us back down the hall. Frankie has taken the detective's into the kitchen and that's where we meet them.

"Jane, could you sit please." One of the men asks. We sit side by side.

"These are detective's Korsak and Crowe." Frankie introduces them.

I look over at Angela and she look worried. Which makes me worried.

"Do you know a man named Charles Hoyt." Detective Crowe asks Jane, and I hear Angela's deep intake a breath.

"I do." Jane says.

"And what is your aquatiance with him?" Detective Korsak asks.

"He was my therapist." Jane says calmly.

"You hired a private investigator to locate Mr. Hoyt, is that right?" Crowe asks.

"I did, and the last time I checked that isn't against the law." Jane retorts.

"It is when you locate him, and he's now vanished off the face of the earth." Crowe says back.

Detective korsake intervenes.

"He's under investigation Ms. Rizzoli, we have evidence that will put that man behind bars for a very long time, which is something I believe you want to." Korsak says.

"I don't know where he's at, I lost him in California." Jane says.

"Do you happen to know how your private investigator was able to get Mr. Hoyt's phone records?" Detective Crowe asks Jane.

Jane folds her arms across her chest.

"I do, but I'd prefer not to say. As I'm not a police officer, it's not really my concern."

Detective Crowe's dark eyes narrows.

"You could be charged with being an accessory to anything your PI did."

Jane's mouth flattened.

"If you can find a judge willing to swear out an arrest warrant for that then you can continue this conversation with my attorney.

"Ms. Rizzoli, do you think that your money grants you some sort of special treatment?"

Jane shifts and I see her tense.

"I think that I expect you to do your job." She says. The edge to her voice is sharp.

Detective Korsak holds up a hand.

"Ms. Rizzoli, I think my partner spoke out of turn. We're just looking out for your best interests as well."

He opens up a file he brought with him, and I have to look away.

"Are you aware Mr. Hoyt had these photographs of you?" Korsak asks.

Jane shuts the file and slides it back to him.

"If there's something you'd like to charge me with do it now or leave." Jane says.

"Ms. Rizzoli, I don't think you understand how important it is for us to get this information from you. You're the only one we found pictures of, the only one that can put him in prison for the rest of his life. If we find him, and this goes to trial this will all come out." He indicates to the file in front of him.

"Find someone else that'll do it, because I won't. You can go now, and I expect to hear from my PI that you've been in touch with him, and that you're all playing nicely."

"And if you don't?" Detective Crowe leans back in his chair. "Will you be throwing your weight around, making calls to our bosses and everyone else you do business with?"

Jane smiles now, but it isn't a nice smile. I wouldn't want her to smile at me like that.

"Damn right I will."

I don't say a word as the two of them get up and leave. Once they are outside Jane turns toward Frankie.

"Why would you bring them here?" She says.

"I tried to warn you, but you didn't answer your phone. If you know where he's at you need to let them know, and you really need to consider helping them."

"I won't Frankie."

"Even if you don't, it's still going to come out one way or another."

"I think you should put some thought into it." I say.

Jane turns towards me.

"Don't turn on me now."

"I'm not Jane, I just think if you can help put him in prison it'll make you feel better."

Jane stands.

"I'm not having this conversation with any of you. I'm going to work."

I cringe when the front door slams shut. I screwed up again.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Jane's point of view.

When I get back to my mothers after work, I go upstairs to my old room and find some clothes I can wear. I really need to get some clothes from my apartment if I am going to be here everyday, or talk Maura into moving in with me.

I go back down stairs and go into the guest bathroom. I turn the shower on, and reach down to unbutton my pants, my penis is taunting me. I can't stop thinking about last night. I stroke it diligently over my pants before stopping. This isn't the release I want.

"Can I help?"

I freeze at the sound of her voice. I didn't even hear her come in. I lift my head, and stare at her. Yes. No. How do I respond? I am at a loss for words as it grows harder.

Her lock eyes with mine before they trail down.

"Maura..."

"Jane..."

She pushes her shorts down her hips and I watch as they drop at her feet. Moving my eyes up her legs, my eyes fix themselves on her white panties. Groaning, I continue to lift my eyes and spot her nipples bead against the fabric of her shirt. I reach down, and turn the water off.

Her chest heaves as I close the distance between us until she is backed up against the counter.

"Jane..."

"Maura..."

Neither of us seem to be able to manage any other words. I pick her up, and set her down on the counter and stand between her legs. I grab the bottom of her tank top and pull it over her head.

Her hands are resting on the counter as I push the hair out of her face. My fingers move over her collar bone and then down the center of her chest until they run over the string waistband of the panties she is wearing. Her sharp intake of breath turns me on even more. I grip them, and she lifts up so that I can remove them. My lips drop to her neck and work down to her breasts. Paying attention to both before I move to her navel. One of her hands move over my neck and shoulder.

"Jane, please." She begs.

"Soon."

I work lower, I feel her lean back, and rest on her elbows. Her scent fills the air and its intoxicating.

Trailing my arm down her calf until I reach her ankle, I place her foot up and on the counter before doing the same with the other. I move her to the very edge of the counter and begin kissing over her mound. I dip my tongue down, and find her clit and circle it gently as she moans and tilts her hips closer to me.

She groans, and her head drops back against the mirror as I slid a finger inside her while my thumb circles her nub. I stand, and grab her by the back of the neck with my free hand and bring her closer to me. Her eyes flutter open and focus on mine.

I add a second finger. She yanks my mouth to hers and kisses me frantically.

"Maura, look at me." I say when she moves her mouth from mine.

Her eyes open as I pull my fingers out and then back in a little deeper.

"You're so beautiful."

"You are too." She says panting.

She lifts her hips, as I drop my mouth to her neck, and I pick up the

pace. Her hands claw at my body, and I know she's close.

Her arms tightened around my shoulders.

"Jane!" Her nails dig into my shoulders as her orgasm floods her, her body flinches at every touch.

I remove my fingers and look down at her, her hair's a mess, her eyes are hazy, her lips are swollen, and her cheeks are flushed. And I fall completely. No other woman has ever meant anything. No other kiss means what hers does. It's her I want to make feel this way forever.

I take her hands and pull her up to me. Her hands move up my arms and around my neck, and I wrap her up tight in my arms. I can feel her nipples press against my chest as she squirms in my arms. God, I want to bury myself inside her so bad.

She wiggles against me making it extremely difficult to think.

She pulls back and strokes my face, and then her hands slowly drop to my shoulders and then slowly continues down. I take a deep breath and watch her hands trail down my body, I want this I really do, I just need to prepare myself. Before she gets to my pants there's a loud knock on the bathroom door.

Fuck! She stiffens in my arms and her head drops to my shoulder and I groan.

"I need to take a shower Jane!" I hear Tommy shout.

"Just a minute." I say hopefully loud enough for him to hear me.

I move away from Maura and grab her clothes from the floor as she get off the counter.

"You're gonna need more than a minute." Maura says, after she is fully dressed. I follow her eyes to the bulge in my pants.

I groan again and grab her hand as I open the door.

"Dude finally." Tommy says as we walk out, I walk as close behind Maura as I can.

I ignore Tommy as he moves passed us into the bathroom.

"This is why we should be at my apartment." I whisper to Maura once the door is closed.

She's turns around and wraps her arms around my shoulders.

"But you love spending time with your family." She says and smiles up at me.

I grumble under my breath as her mouth finds mine.

Cupping her ass, I move her body against my throbbing member, and she bites onto my lower lip and sucks hard. I pull pack.

"Hold on to me." I say, and her legs fling around my waist as I carry her to her bedroom.

I sit her on the bed and try to kiss her again but she moves away.

"What?" I ask.

"Jane, I..."

"Yes?"

She seems unsure as she searches my eyes.

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry about this morning." She says.

"I should be the one apologizing, it's seems that's all I'm ever good at."

Before I can even register what she's doing, she leans in and seals her lips to mine. Her body trembles as she grips at the bottom of my shirt, waiting for me to kiss her back. Without even thinking, my mouth opens and her tongue enters mine.

She moans as my hands slide around to her back and I pull her closer, moving my lips deliberately against hers. I'm savoring every inch, every spot, memorizing it.

Suddenly the intense kiss shifts to desperation. I spin us around and snap my hands out to catch us as we fall onto the mattress. I hold up my weight with my arms, but allow enough closeness that her heat radiates into me and her breasts brush mine every time she breathes.

I loosen up a little and start to explore her body with my hands again, feeling the soft skin of her stomach, her ribs, the bottom of her breast. I move my hand underneath her bra, and stroke my finger across her nipple and she gasps as her legs constrict around my midsection. It feels good, way too good. I need to stop, otherwise it's going to break me apart.

I start to revolve to the side, but her body follows mine and her legs hitch around my hips and I'm pressed between her legs. As my fingers dig into her waist, her body bows forward and she rubs herself along my hardness.

Fuck. I've never been so turned on before. I begin moving against her and lean forward to grab her lip between my teeth, nipping it softly as I cup her breast with my hand.

All of a sudden she stops moving. God, why did she stop?

She draws back.

"Jane, I don't want to…" She pauses, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. "I don't want to push you."

"It's fine."

She wavers. "Are you… are you sure you want this?"

Do I want this? Do I? The answer is yes. I want it. Badly.

I nod my head swiftly. "Yes."

Without any more reluctance she crashes her lips against mine and she starts moving again a gasp falters from my throat at the heat of her kiss and the way she moves against my body.

I hope she doesn't notice the anxious tremble of my body as her fingers slip underneath my shirt and she sketches her fingertips along my stomach. I wince as her hand wander along the bumpy lines of my scars.

She nips at my bottom lip, and I let out an uncontrollable whimper, as her hands stay under my shirt. This is the most frightening and most wonderful experience of my life. I don't ever want it to end.

Her fingers begin to drift along the top of my pants and my insides quiver.

I groan and her hand starts to go down the front of my pants. I'm surprised at how much my body wants her to touch me there, so I keep kissing her while little moans escape my lips and I thread my fingers through her hair. Her fingers remain just inside my pants, like she's testing me, and then finally she grabs ahold of me, and my mind flys about a million miles an hour. I'm afraid. Not of her, but everything connected to what she's doing.

She inches her mouth away for a second to look me in the eyes. "Are you okay?"

I'm nervous and scared, but it feels so good.

"I'm fine," I say and the breathlessness of my voice is all the reassurance she needs.

Her hand start moving as she returns her lips to mine, slipping her tongue inside my mouth. I feel high and lost but in the most amazing way. Like my mind finally left the dark place and I can grasp at the light again.

I want more. I need more, however I don't know how to ask for it.

My hips rock against her hand as she strokes me, she moans against my mouth as I drag my teeth along her lip, nipping at it before releasing it.

My head tips back against the pillow. She leans back slightly, and she watches as every single part of my body rises and falls. Something deep within me bursts with heat and I gasp, trying to hold onto it, but seconds later I come back down to reality.

Maura slides her hand out of my pants and kisses me gently.

"Are you still okay?"

I nod my head up and down, my breathing erratic and my skin damp with sweat.

"I'm great."

When she moves off me I lie on my back, with my arm behind my head as I stare up at the ceiling. I'm starting to realize something… something I'm not sure I want to realize. She makes me feel better and I wonder if that means I'm supposed to be with her. I don't want it to mean that, though. I want her to be unrestricted.

She rotates onto her hip and brushes my hair out of my face.

"Are you really okay? she asks, I know my quietness probably makes her think I'm not. She grazes a finger between my brows.

I tip my head to the side and meet her gaze. My eyes trace her thin figure. I pivot to the side so we're lying face to face.

I shut my eyes and summon up some courage.

"I think you're right." I say.

"Right about what?" She asks, searching my eyes for something.

"That it'll might make me feel better to help them put him in prison, but I'm worried what it might bring up though."

She runs her hand through my hair, smoothing it out of my face. "I'll be there for you, and so will your mother, you don't have to do this alone."

I'm wary and hesitant, my insides clench as I think about my family, and Maura hearing the inner workings of my screwed up head, but I know in order to do this everything has to come out.

"Okay." I say.


	19. Chapter 19

Maura point of view.

I wake up with the knowledge that something is wrong. Rising from the bed, I start to look around the darkened room before realizing that it's Jane who woke me up.

She's still asleep, but her muscles are tense and straining, her hands are curled into fists by her side. Her eyes are tightly closed, and she's moaning words in her sleep, the sounds barely comprehensible.

"No." She says, her head moving from side to side.

"No please, let me go."

I look up at her face, and it's drawn into a tight mixture of desperation and despair.

She makes another tortured sound, and I put my arms around her, and I pray for her nightmare to end. It finally does, her body relaxes as sleep takes over. I stay awake long after. Almost every night that we've slept in the same bed she's had nightmares it kills me to know she relives the vile awful things that man did to her night after night.

I finally fall asleep again.

When I wake again I'm alone, but the light coming from the window tells me it's morning. It's Saturday, so I don't rush to get up and ready for work.

I take a shower and then, search for Jane. When I don't find her I stop in the kitchen where Angela is.

"Do you know where Jane is?"

"Jane and Tommy went to go do something, they didn't say where they were going."

I sit at the table and I watch Angela, taking a moment to really study her. There are dark circles under her eyes. There is definitely something weighing heavily on her mind.

"Are you okay, Angela?"

She sits across from me, and I notice her jaw twitch as she tries to figure out how to explain things to me.

"It's all this stuff with Jane, I feel like I could have done something, I should have known."

"When did she tell you?"

She shifts uncomfortably.

"It was long after she stopped seeing him. I should have realized something wasn't right from the very beginning, she didn't act right, she was more moody and she didn't let anyone touch her. This was after she decided she didn't want reconstruction surgery, so she was taking those pills. I thought that's why she changed so much."

"What do you mean reconstruction surgery?" I ask.

"A couple of weeks after she was born they talked about reconstructing her genitals into female because they noticed she has ovaries, and a uterus. But I said no, I wanted Jane to make that decision later in life, I had heard a few stories of doctors doing that and that person never feeling right in their body. I didn't want to take that away from her. Frank, her father wasn't very happy about that." She clears her throat. "Anyways when she decided to stay the way she is, they started her on steroids and growth hormones even testosterone, because it was smaller than a normal mans..." She trails off and runs her fingers through her hair, a gesture that reminds me a lot of Jane.

"They wanted her to have full advantage later in life, and they said she would change a lot, and she did, but I thought it was the pills not what was really happening.

"Do they know why she was born the way she was?"

She shakes her head.

"No, they suspect a number of things, but they have no real explanation." She shrugs and sighs.

"You've really changed her Maura, I've never seen her so happy before

I smile because I don't know what else to say to her.

Jane comes back a few hours later. She doesn't say anything to us as she comes into the kitchen.

"Where have you been?" Angela asks.

"Just out and about." Jane replies.

I look at Jane, she's avoiding eye contact with me. What did she do? Maybe it has something to do with last night. I hope not.

She leaves the kitchen minutes later, I stay behind waiting for her to come back. When she doesn't I follow her.

She's in my bedroom leaning against the desk looking at some papers

"Can I come in?" I ask.

"Sure." She says but doesn't look up at me.

"What are you working on?"

"Just some notes I took for a meeting that's coming up."

"Jane, can I talk to you?"

Jane looks at me, a flurry of emotions playing across her face before her unreadable mask slides back into place.

"I grab the chair from the desk and pull it around so there is nothing between us but air.

"Whats with the furniture arrangements?" Jane asks, her eyebrows raised.

Thankfully, she doesn't move away.

"What did you do today?"

"Not much." She says, and I know she's lying to me.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket and she pulls it out, she smiles when she reads it.

"Who's that?"

"Tommy." She says, and looks up at me.

"What did he say?"

She shrugs. "Nothing important really." She leans in to kiss me, but I place a hand on her solid chest and stop her.

"You're lying to me."

She gives me a mock offended look.

"Are you accusing me of lying?"

I narrow my eyes at her. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. I know you're keeping something from me and I'm going to find out."

She looks completely entertained now.

"And how do you plan on doing that?" She shoots me a cocky grin.

"Wow, aren't we a little bit cocky today." I say, as I reach into my pocket. "But we'll see who's the cocky one after I text Tommy."

Her amusement suddenly shifts to worry as I pull out my phone. "Tommy knows he's not suppose to tell you."

I raise my phone up in front of us and wiggle it around.

"Tommy is terrible at keeping secrets. You and I both know that." I really don't have any intention of texting Tommy. I'm simply hoping she'll just tell me whatever her little secret is.

"Maura, don't." She warns.

"I'm totally doing it." I say then whirl around and try to get to the door.

But I I veer to the right and try to get to the other side of the bed when I know I can't get there before she catches me, but with the socks I'm wearing and the hard wood floors it makes it complicated to run on. My feet try to part ways from underneath me and my hands shoot out to my sides in an attempt to keep my balance. Right as I'm about to fall a set of strong arms wrap around my waist. A split second later, a warm chest presses against my back as I'm helped to my feet.

"You're really asking for it, aren't you?" Jane whispers in my ear, dragging her teeth across the sensitive spot of flesh right below it as she helps me stand back upright.

"Maybe." I say

Her fingers dig into my flesh right below the hem of my t-shirt.

"I'll take your phone as payment for saving your cute little ass from falling."

I grip my phone in my hand.

"No way."

She chuckles lowly, a deep noise that vibrates from her chest and I have to bite down on my lip to keep from whimpering. "Okay, I guess we'll have to do this the hard way."

"Isn't this the hard way already?" I sound breathless.

She laughs again and then, without warning, her fingers sneak up my shirt and she starts to tickle me.

"Stop!" I shout through my laughter, my legs giving out on me. I almost buckle to the floor, but she's there to hold me up.

"Fine! I surrender! I surrender!" I gasp through my laughter.

Her fingers instantly stop moving and she kisses the back of my head as she takes the phone from my hand then frees me from her arms.

I spin around and cross my arms over my chest. "That was cheating."

She grins proudly as she hides my phone in the pocket of her coat. "No way. That was completely fair. It's not my fault you're tiny and adorable." She pokes me in the ribs.

I glare at her, pretending I'm upset.

"If it wasn't for these socks I would have been able to run faster."

"Yeah, but I wasn't really running. Just walking swiftly." Shes so smug right now. I've never seen her act like this so confident. It's sexy and I can't help but jump onto her and kiss her. She doesn't hesitate, kissing me back with equal hunger.

Her phone starts going off in her pocket, and she breaks the kiss. I sigh, as she retrieves her phone. She reads the screen and then grins. Lacing our fingers together she tugs me toward the front door.

"Put your shoes on, I want to show you something." She says.

"Where are we?" I ask, when Jane stops the car in front of some houses.

Jane turns the car off, and looks over at me.

"It's a surprise."

I unfasten my seatbelt as Jane grabs her door handle and pushes it open.

"Follow me." She says.

"What are we doing?" I ask.

She glances over her shoulder back down at me. "If you want to find out, you're going to have to follow me."

I follow her into one of the houses perplexed.

"Your surprise." She says, once we are inside.

I rub my lips together as i raise my brow at her.

"A house?" I say, with uncertainty.

"Yeah, I know you're looking for a place so I figured I'd help you out." She says, nonchalantly and shrugs when her gaze locks on mine. She brushes my hair out of my eyes.

"You have to say something Maura."

"You bought me a house?"

"Yeah, you don't have to worry about anything although you do have to sign some paperwork." She grabs some papers off the bar leading into the kitchen. "You should do it now. We can scan them and email them in."

She holds the papers out for me, but I don't take them. I just stand there, shocked, not understanding.

"Why did you do this?" I ask.

"I'm helping you." She says.

"You can't help me." I say.

This is to much. I can't have her in my life like this. I have to handle my problems on my own. I cant get used to relying on somebody else. I don't rely on my parents money, and I won't rely on hers.

"There's a reason I don't rely on my parents money Jane. It makes me weak. Do you understand?"

She looks surprised and confused.

"No. I don't get it. If you take this house it doesn't make you weak. You're not relying on me to take care of your problems, you're letting me do something nice for you. Even if I had no money what so ever I would still do what I could for you."

I'm silent for what feels like forever, although her eyes never leave mine. It's like she's trying to read my mind or see into my soul or something. If anyone could, it'd be Jane. I just wish I could do the same with her right now.

"I should probably do that paperwork." I finally say, and take it from her hands, she pulls out a pen from her pocket.

I start signing the documents.

"How much did you pay for this house?" I ask without looking up at her.

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does. You pay me weekly, just set up an amount every month and deduct it my checks."

"No, Maura. I won't."

Now I look up at her, my jaw clenching.

"You have to." I say. "I'm paying you back, Jane."

"Do we have to argue about it right now?" She asks, as I finish signing the papers, and give them back to her.

"You have to promise that I can pay you back. Maybe not tomorrow or next month, but sometime soon. Otherwise, I'll feel like a user."

"Stop it." She says anger flashing through her. "You can pay me back, but under my conditions not yours. Understood?

Taking her by surprise, I hug her.

"Thank you, Jane, thank you for trying to help me. You're a good person."

She lifts my chin in her hands, and I kisses me softly. "No, I'm not."

"You're wrong." I whisper. ""Lets go see the rest of it this house."

She threads our fingers together, beaming as she looks down at me.

"It's smaller than my apartment." Jane says as she steps aside to let me enter the kitchen. "But I know you don't like big…" She trails off, ruffling her hair into place.

I take in the place that I could call home. The kitchen is attached to the dinning room, and the living room is just off the kitchen. There's a stair case in the living room that I assume leads to the bedrooms.

"So you're okay with it?" Jane stuffs her hands into the pockets of her pants, appearing anxious.

"It's perfect."

"But I have to make sure, that you're okay with this house, I just want to make sure that this is the house that you want because I don't want you to feel pressured or anything to live here if you don't want to."

"I want this one." I say.

She smiles at me.

"You want to show me the bedroom?" I give her my best smile, and she looks a little confused until her eyes drink me in and she bites at her bottom lip hard.

"You're starting to get a dirty mind." Her smoldering gaze and husky voice sends warm tingles across my skin.

"It must be Tommy's influence on me." My voice is off pitch. "Sometimes, it's like he's still going through puberty."

Jane shakes her head, laughing softly under her breath. "All right, no more talking. Let's go show you the bedroom."

We're about halfway across the living room before our lips connect my clothes start coming off. My shirt and pants are discarded, shoes are kicked off, and we end up leaving a trail of my clothing to the bedroom. It's a little chilly in here, but I don't care. Jane can keep me warm, we sink to our knees on the tan carpet.

"We should do this every night." She says, unhooking my bra and pulling it off. "Only in a bed."

"No way. We should totally do it on the floor." I mutter between the kisses she's showering me with on my lips, the arch of my neck, the spot where my heart beats.

She mutters something else, but trails off as my fingers skim down her chest to the top of her pants. I hesitate before doing this, giving her a chance to pull away if she wants to. When she doesn't I undo the button, and I slip my hand into her boxers and she groans, biting at my skin.

"Maura …" The sound of my name in that raspy voice she uses covers my arms with goose bumps.

When I hear a door open and close from somewhere inside the house, we both freeze, panting for air as we kneel in the center of the room, our hands grasping at each other.

"Did you hear that?" I whisper, my eyes darting to the door.

Jane nods, her lips parting, but she's cut off by the sound of a voice.

"Hello, lovebirds." Tommy calls out. "Are you in here?"

Jane and mine's eyes widen at the same time. Then suddenly we're scrambling to find my clothes, but it's pointless since we left my shirt and pants somewhere between the living room and the staircase. My bra is nearby, though, so I get that on while Jane does the button of her pants.

"What should we do?" I whisper. "My clothes are out there."

Jane shrugs, still looking high on the moment. "Ask him to hand the clothes to us."

I wrap my arms around myself. "He'll make a lot of jokes." I warn.

"He's already going to make jokes." Jane states, giving me a sexy half smile. "So we might as well go face the music."

"Knock, knock." Tommy says as he raps his hand on the shut bedroom door. "Oh, Maura, I found something that belongs to you, I think."

"Oh, leave her alone." Frankie says. Then the door cracks and he sticks his arm in with my clothes in his hand. "Here you go."

"Thanks, Frankie." I take my clothes, and start getting dressed. When I'm dressed, we go out together and face the music.

"What are you doing here?" Jane ask as we walk into the living room.

Frankie's looking around at the kitchen and Tommy is observing the patio attached to the living room through a sliding glass door.

"I came to see how things went." Tommy says, turning to face us. "And to see if you guys wanted to go have dinner and celebrate." He takes in the sight of us, messy hair, my shirt is wrinkled, and Jane's zipper is undone. "But I'm guessing it went well, considering how hot and bothered you two look right now, thanks to my interruption." He flashes us an unapologetic grin.

"We can go." Frankie tells us grabbing Tommy's arm and pulling him toward the door. Frankie's always been the more level headed of the two and tries to keep Tommy intact when he can. "In fact, we should go and give you two some privacy."

"No, it's okay. We were finished anyway." I don't mean for it to come out how it sounded and I feel a little embarrassed.

"You were?" Jane cocks an eyebrow. "Because I wasn't."

My embarrassment doubles and I playfully swat her arm, hoping it'll divert everyone's attention from my blushing.

"It's okay. We can go get dinner." Jane says through her chuckles then her gaze fastens on mine. "We can finish later."

All three of them laugh and I should get even more embarrassed, but I find myself calmer than anything. Because this is what life is about. Moments like these.

Right now, everything is perfect.


	20. Chapter 20

Jane's point of view.

"Ready for this?" I ask, and look out the window as the car stops in front of the Boston police department Monday morning.

"Yes. Are you ready, is the question." Maura says, and squeezes my hand.

"Not really, but if it means that I never have to come back, then, yes, I can't fucking wait." I get out and hold the door for her.

When we go in I'm not sure what to do, and I'm glad Frankie informed them we were coming when detective Crowe approaches us. He glances at me.

"Ms. Rizzoli."

"Detective." I nod but don't say anything else.

There is a moment of awkward silence before Detective Crowe sighs.

"I'm just going to come out and say it. Your PI gave us the lead that helped us find Mr. Hoyt so, thanks."

He didn't exactly sound grateful, but it was something. I nod again, a hundred things going through my head. No one told me he was located, when did Arthur get involved in this search? If they located him did they arrest him?

"Jane?" I hear Maura say and I glance down at her, and I realize my hand is clench together in a fist against her back.

I smile at her and unclench my fist.

"Follow me." Detective Crowe says, and we follow him to a small room with a table and a few chairs. Korsak walks in after we sit down with a middle aged woman.

"This is Sarah. She's one of the attorneys who's helping with the case."

"I'm Jane Rizzoli." I shake the woman's hand and she sits down. She sets a folder on the table.

"Ms. Rizzoli." She starts. "You started seeing Mr. Hoyt when you were twelve?"

"Yes."

"When did the abuse start?" She asks.

"Not long after I started seeing him."

"Can you tell me what he did to you?"

At the thought of repeating everything he did my heart knocks inside my chest like a damn jackhammer, I glance around in a panic, searching for something, but there's nothing. I can't do this. I can't do this. Fuck!

I clench my hands into fist. I don't move or breathe. I can't even think straight as my thoughts become jumbled. This isn't a good idea at all.

"I don't know if I can do this." I say honestly.

"Jane, it'll be okay." Sarah reassures me. "We can do this slowly."

Maura takes my hand and forces it to unclench and holds my hand in hers, her skin is warm and comforting. I take my gaze off the desk and stare into Maura's eyes that are filled with worry.

"Your okay, I promise." Maura says.

I nod and suck air through my nose and let it out between my lips, and launch into everything.

I tell them how I didn't understand what he was doing at the time, but that it felt wrong, and I didn't like it. I tell them how Hoyt made it sound normal and something that happened to everyone, and how it was all just a game to him. I explain that when I told Hoyt that I didn't like it, he shouted at me for questioning him and cut me with his knife. I tell them how Hoyt sodomized me and told me if I told anyone what was going on he'd make sure I was taken from my mother. As I got a little older, he said no one would believe me.

I don't dare look up at anyone as I repeat everything that I had to endure. I've never told anyone everything that happened.

I breathe out deeply. Going through it all again feels like I'm being cut open, but I also feel lighter. Its such a relief when I finish speaking that I almost brake down. And I realized something when I was saying all that aloud for the first time, none of the blame is on me, none of it is my fault.

When they let us leave I look at Maura and smile at her. I try to tell her I'm alright without words. We go back to my mothers because I have yet to get all of Maura's stuff to her house, but plan to do just that this coming weekend. I tell Maura I'm going to lay down for a bit, I really just need time to myself.

I climb the stairs to my old bedroom and go straight to my bed and pull the covers over me, needing to hide from everything for a while. I roll into a ball. Dragging up those memories made me feel dirty all over again. I hate it. Why couldn't I just have had a normal childhood.

"Jane?" Maura's voice makes me curl into a tighter ball and tense. The bed dips, and the covers shift.

Instead of telling her to go away I roll over and snuggle into her, clinging to her body as if it were my lifeline. She wraps herself around me, protecting me. I let the quiet thumping of her heart sing me to sleep.

When I wake up a couple of hours later Maura is still laying next to me. She's awake and I wonder if she's been awake this whole time, and then I realize I didn't dream about Hoyt. It's the first time in years that I've shut my eyes and not dreamed about him.

She takes my hand in hers and runs her thumb along the side of my hand.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

I nod, and close the distance between us and kiss her. My kiss is gentle at first but becomes more insistent, as she relaxes into me and I allow her tongue to explore my mouth. Her hands are roaming over my body, It feels so right to have her hands on me.

"I want you Maura." I whisper, my lips brushing along her jawline as her hand slides over the curve of my side.

"You have me Jane." She says confused.

I pull her against me, so she can feel my need for her, and she realizes what I mean.

She pulls back, her breathing's thick and heavy, as I meet her desire filled eyes, and the air between us grows very serious.

"Really?" She asks.

I move her hand to my chest to the buttons on my shirt.

"Unbutton my shirt."

She hesitates for a moment, and then

moves her other hand to my shirt front, and her fingers start moving slowly slipping the buttons through the tiny holes one by one. I don't have the nerve to look at her, though I can feel her eyes on me. She pushes my shirtfront open. There's a white undershirt in the way.

I lay on my back as I reach for my belt unfastening it I sit up, and tug my shirt free. I toss it in the floor and swallow hard.

She sits up with me and slides her hands up over my skin and lifts the undershirt over my head. Im breathing hard, watching her, as her hands trail over my stomach. I suck in a gasp of air when she slides her hands over my breast. Tension runs through my body. Its fear, and she pulls away. She watches me for a moment. Her eyes are studying my face, She lets out a nervous sigh as she runs her hands through my hair.

"We don't have to do this Jane." She says.

I smile at her as my hands find her waist pulling her even closer to me.

She leans into me and slips her palms over me and unhook my bra pulling the straps down my arms, but she doesn't touch me there. Her hands slid down my back and then to the front of my slacks. I move to stand up and she follows me, and unbuttons my slacks and slips them down and sets them aside, then does the same for my socks, after stripping each foot she holds on to me tightly before backing away and lowering her gaze to my boxers. Going down on her knees, she kneels in front of me and slips her fingers in my waistband. She remove the garment and she gasps.

I look into her eyes, hers are locked on mine.

"Lock the door." I whisper.

Heat rises to her cheeks, and I can't help but laugh, feeling like maybe we're doing something wrong. She gets up smiling at me, and goes over to turn the lock.

I sit back down on the bed when she turns back to me, and we stare at each other for several seconds.

"Take off your clothes." My voice is husky as I speak.

I watch her with darkening eyes, as she takes off her shirt off letting it fall fall to the floor, and then her bra exposing her breasts. I can hear her breathing change as she takes off her pants taking her panties with it and stands before me, naked, exposed.

I hold out my hand beckoning for her to come closer.

She move to me, and takes my hand, my eyes slowly travelling over every inch of my body.

I run my fingertips lightly over her skin. Her breathing deepens as I lean in and press a gentle kiss to the space between her breasts. It makes her body quiver. My hands travel down her sides, and then back to her thighs, I press my forehead against her chest and let out a ragged breath. She slides her fingers into my thick hair.

"Are you all right?" She whispers.

I shake my head, and wrap my arms tightly around her waist, hugging her to me.

"I don't want to mess this up by being to rough, or too quick, or slow, or…"

She pulls me back and stares down at me as she runs her finger through my hair and leans down to press her lips to mine.

"Just be with me how you want to." She whispers.

I run my hands up and down her naked back.

"Lay down." I instruct. "I want to look at you. I want to touch you."

She reclines on the bed in front of me, and i reach up to run my hands over her skin, starting from her collarbone and running my fingers down, in between her breasts and over her stomach. It takes a glorious long time.

I watch her as I trace my fingers along her thighs toward her core. I slip a finger in between her folds, and she gasps when i push into her.

Adding another i move them in and out of her, sliding them over her clit and back inside her again. Small whimpers keep escaping her lips and I know she's trying to hold out, but only manages a few more seconds

before she explodes around my hand, bucking her hips as she instinctively closes her legs, squeezing herself around me and riding my hand with the waves of her orgasm. My fingers moves slowly within her as I bring her back down.

I smile at her and press my lips to hers. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me tight against her kissing me harder. I wince slightly when she comes in contact with my member.

"I'm sorry." She gasps, pulling back.

"Don't be." I smile, kissing her once again.

When I cant take any more i wrap my hand around myself, leading me to her entrance, I press in, and gasp as I feel her expand.

I close my eyes and moan her name when I'm fully inside her for the first time. I've been so controlled until this moment.

Her hips rise to meet my thrust, and the sensation is amazing.

"Maura...this...you...fuck."

She lets out small whimpers of pleasure as I move. And I breathe out carefully, and close my eyes for a moment, trying to control myself.

"What's wrong?" She pants out, worried. She runs her hands up and down my back, and I can't answer her.

With each movement, delicious heat builds inside of me. I let out my breath, trying desperately not to make any sound. From the look on her face, I don't think she can take much more. I pull out slowly then push back in even slower. My hands push on her hips, tilting them, which makes the movements feel divine and her muscles began to contract as her orgasm rolls through her, and that's all it takes to push me over the edge.

When I still I lay my head on her chest breathing heavily, I'm afraid to look at her and I don't understand why.

When I withdraw from inside her I lay on my side and she moves in beside me and curls up against me, she buries her face in my shoulder, and I squeeze my arms around her.

I listen to her breathing for a long time, until she leans back from me, I smile at her weakly, my lips trembling as fear grips at my heart.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"I am. Are you? Your not going to run are you?"

"Of course not Jane, why would I? I want to be here with you."

I nod, I don't know what else to say or do, so I just run my hands through her hair until she falls asleep. When she is fully asleep i untangle myself from her and find some clothes to go running in. After getting dressed I quietly slip out of the bedroom.

I'm not running from what just transpired, or from the things Hoyt did. I'm running from my father, the things he used to say about me. He told me no one would ever love me, and I believe him. His words scream from behind me like a ghost as I run.

I love her just thinking those words terrify me, because what if she doesn't love me back. She's the one person who I completely and wholly love in a way I can barely understand, honestly I thought I could never love anyone the way I love her. But Maura showed me how to open my heart at least, when it comes to loving her. She makes it so easy, and if I lose her I lose everything. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My ray of sunshine through the rain, the clouds, the storm that's hovered over my head. She can make me smile when I'm down, laugh when I'm unhappy.

My feet pound against the dirt as my lungs tighten in my chest, my entire body dripping with sweat. My pulse is pounding, my limbs aching, begging me to stop. That it's enough. But nothing ever feels like enough.

I can't outrun my father.

His voice.

His words.

I can't outrun them, escape them, hide from them.

I want to be free from it. Free from my father. My past. The years of abuse suffered at the hands of Hoyt. The things my father used to say about me. What I want is my resolution. But to get it, I need to let go and I can't let go when everything is so unknown.


	21. Chapter 21

Jane's point of view.

Later that evening I'm sitting at the table playing cards with my brothers, which blows my freaking mind because it's so normal.

Frankie assesses his cards as he takes a gulp of his beer, and then he sets two cards face down on the table and gives himself two more from the deck.

Tommy chuckles under his breath as he rearranges the cards in his hand. I examine my cards. I don't have a very good hand, but we're not playing for money, just fun. I know why, too. When we were younger, our father would make us play for money. If he won, he'd take all his winnings and if he lost, he'd yell at us because in his words, "we were cheating bastards." So really, we'd always lose.

Maura sticks her head into the kitchen long enough to tell me she's getting in the shower and I stare at where she was longer than I should. We haven't spoken about what happened earlier, I don't even know if we should. It's perfectly normal for couples to have sex and not even mention it hours later isn't it?

"So, you think we are ever going to do this?" Tommy asks after we sit in silence through a couple of hands.

"Do what?" I ask.

He picks up two more cards from the deck. "Talk about dad..." He leans forward, then turns to face me.

"There's really not much to say don't you think?"

"I know it's hard Jane, and when Tommy told me I didn't have a freaking clue what to do, I felt lost you know? It took me forever to make the decision to go see him, now that I have I feel better." Frankie says.

"I kinda understand why you did though." I say, staring at the cards in his hand. I blow out a breath. "It all comes back to him. I don't want to have anything to do with him and every time something is connected to him...I swear to God, I can sometimes hear his voice in my head.…" I stop talking, unsure why I decided to say that aloud I haven't even told Maura about that.

Frankie's shoulders slump, probably from the weight of the memories of our father. "Jane, I know it's hard, but you need to let this thing with Dad go. Let the past go. And I think once you do, you'll stop hearing all that fucked up shit he said about you all the time.

"He's in bad shape." Tommy says taking a sip of his beer.

I'm fairly sure we play an entire hand before I'm able to get ahold of my voice and my emotions enough to respond.

"How bad?"

Resolution. This is what you want right? You are a terrible person.

"Really, really bad." Tommy says, releasing an exhausted breath.

It's strange, but it seems like we should be crying or something, yet our eyes are dry. My heart feels the same way, too, and those thoughts of how I've got to be a bad person come rushing back to me because this can't be normal to feel nothing toward the person who raised me. Or who helped for a few years.

"I think he's going to die." Frankie says quietly.

And again, absolutely nothing. Is this my resolution?

"I have to go." I say, getting up from my chair.

My pulse is pounding, my skin damp with sweat, I feel like I can't get enough air into my lungs. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. I wanted resolution, but not like this.

Or did I? Am I that kind of person? To wish pain upon someone else? Am I like Hoyt?

The last thought is fucking horrifying. I feel like I'm about to fall again, tumble into the dark.

I find Maura in the bathroom combing her wet hair, I watch her for several moment, and I can breathe again. She keeps me living and breathing. When her eyes catch mine staring at her in the mirror I avert my eyes, and walk up behind her and place my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes settle on me again.

"What's wrong?" She asks, searching my eyes.

"Nothing."

"Liar." She laughs, but drops the subject.

I kiss her softly on the neck, and wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder, and close my eyes. I don't deserve her. Fate was drunk off its ass when it let me have her and I hope it doesn't realize it fucked up. Pulling away she turns to face me. She cradles my face in her hands.

"Tell me, please. You can talk to me. I'm not going anywhere." She pleads with me.

What am I so afraid of? She is the closest Ive ever been to a woman, besides my mother. And I love her and hate her all at once because I know she is the one person who has the potential to destroy me. As long as I don't destroy myself first.

Searching her eyes I confide in her.

"Frankie and Tommy want me to go see my father, but I don't know if I can." I say.

"You've suffered enough. And if you don't want to go then you deserve not to go. You have me, and your mother, we will back your decision. You're never, ever alone."

I force down the massive lump welling in my throat. "I know that, but I feel guilty that you guys have to put up with my shit."

"Well, you don't need to feel guilty about anything." Her voice shakes with anger, startling me. "You don't owe your father anything, only yourself, so you do what want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do."

"I know, but …" I can't meet her gaze, I look anywhere but at her.

"But what?" She urges me to tell her, to look at her, not to shut down like I have in the past. And I want to give her that. I really do.

"But the screwed up thing is, after all the shit we went through, I still want to make him proud of me, I want him to love me."

She places her hand on my face and forces me to look at her.

"But I know he hates me." I say, my voice trembling. " And I feel relieved he's dying, like he deserves it somehow, that's something Hoyt would do, feel relief by hurting people."

"That's different, Jane. Way, way different."

A part of me gets why she's telling me this, but the other part of me the one that fears turning out like Hoyt just can't get over how full of hate my reaction is.

"That's enough doom and gloom for one day." I finally say. I tuck her hair behind her ear. "Thank you for everything you did for me today. You've shown me that you've got my back. I have yours. You need to know that."

Her lips curve into a smile then she stands on her tiptoes to place a kiss on my mouth. Her taste drowns me, and for the slightest, liberating moment, I forget about everything. The kiss is too quick, though, and when she starts to pull away, I cup the back of her neck and pull her right back to me, refusing to let her go, wanting to feel the calmness inside me just a little bit longer.

She doesn't protest as I slide my tongue deep inside her mouth, exploring every inch of it as I grasp onto her hips, gripping her sides. She clutches onto me tightly too, our bodies aligning It's one of those easy moments with her that I look forward to and I wish I could stay in forever. But for some reason I have a feeling life will move on. To a future where I wish I knew what the hell is going to happen.


	22. Chapter 22

Maura's point of view.

We move most of my stuff to my house the weekend after Jane bought it. We get almost everything moved in one day with the help of Jane's brothers, and by the time we are finished there's boxes everywhere and I'm exhausted. I lay on my bed next to Jane who is going through notes for a meeting she has coming up, so I pull my phone out and start going through messages from my mother, she wants to meet Jane and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I only read a few before Jane grabs it out of my hand and hides it behind her back.

"Hey!" I get to my knees and try to get it back.

"Enough." She says holding it out of reach. "You have to get up too early to be doing this right now."

"Come on, give it back. I need it." I make several unsuccessful attempts to get it, and she laughs.

"You don't. You need to relax, I can see it on your face. Don't make me tie you up."

Sighing, I sit back on my heels.

"Very funny."

"You're fucking adorable when you pretend to be angry with me." She sets my phone on the nightstand and tackles me throwing me onto my back.

I grapple with her but laugh as she pins my wrists to the bed near my shoulders.

"Not a fair fight at all." I say.

"Nope." She kisses me, her lips and tongue a soft contrast to the hard strength of her hands cuffing my wrists.

She lets go of my hands and looks down at me, we stay there a moment, eyes locked on each other, The light, playful mood of a moment ago is gone, something heavier in its place. I thread my hands into her hair, staring with wondrous disbelief at this woman who is so beautiful, so smart, so strong, and yet still retains that sadness in her eyes, that lingering fear. My heart start to pound so hard, it echoes in my head. I don't even try to stop the words as they come tumbling out.

"I'm so in love with you." I whisper. My eyes tear up, although it makes me happy to tell her, I want her to know.

She squeezes me tight, and I see the fear on her face before she buries her face in my neck.

"I can't remember what it feels like not to ache for you. Not to yearn for you."

The words she uses to describe her feelings brakes my heart. "You don't have to ache or yearn. I'm here." I cover her forehead in kisses, pulling her head back to force her to look at me. "I'm here, and I'm not leaving."

"You will." She says that inexplicable sadness in her eyes. "You should."

I kiss her before she hides her face in my chest, and when a small sob makes her shoulders twitch, my throat squeezes tight. Why is she so convinced Ill leave her? Is it because no one has been understanding enough in the past? Has no one tried hard enough to break down her walls? Will she shut me out now, retreat into isolation to protect herself?

I run my hands over her shoulders, down her back, pressing kisses to the top of her head. "I won't leave you, I promise."

"Don't make that promise. You'll regret it."

"No, I won't. What is this? What's wrong?"

"Fuck. Sorry." She quickly wipes at her eyes.

"Jane. Talk to me."

"It's nothing. I guess I just didn't realize I was holding in a lot of tension."

She focuses on moving off of me, and the moment she does I sit up and bring my legs together.

"You're closing yourself off from me, right after I tell you I love you."

"I'm not." She says this without even glancing at me.

"You are. Why? She's silent for a second, staring at the ceiling and I recognize the stubborn set of her jaw. She's not going to talk.

"Fine. Be stubborn." I say, and instead of engaging in an argument I roll over and turn off the lap, fighting back tears as I lay there.

This is her. This is what ill have to deal with every time this relationship hits a milestone that freaks her out.

Jane's point of view.

See what it could be like? See what you can't have? See what you'll ruin?

I hear my fathers voice in my head, and I squeeze my eyes shut.

I feel Maura shift beside me, and I lock my fingers together, refusing to let myself touch her the way I want to. I want nothing more than to hold her, but I can't. She doesn't say anything, she's lost in her own thoughts, drowning in some sort of internal agony that makes me feel guilty since I probably put it there. I want to say something to her, tell her I'm sorry I'm so broken and that I'll try to fix myself. But I can't find the words, not knowing where they exist, so instead I close my eyes. I Inhale and exhale and try desperately not to think about how this could end.

In the morning, I awake first, facing away from her, I slid out of bed and pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and leave Maura house. I drive to Frankie's he's the only one who can help me figure this out.

"I slept with Maura." I announce as soon as I slump against the back of his couch.

Frankie, who hasn't even sat down yet, looks a little taken aback at my choice of openers, but recovers quickly, lowering himself into his chair.

"It went well, I take it." Frankie tone is amused.

"Yeah." I frown. "Too well."

"How so?"

"I realized something when we...You know." I stare at my jeans, while I try to figure out how to say this there an older pair that have been washed so many times the denim has faded to that blue color I love.

He keeps a straight face. "Go on."

"I love her, but I can't get over this…I don't know. Wanting."

"Wanting for what?"

"To be someone else."

To be the kind of person who can touch her every day without fear. To be the kind of person whose mind doesn't convince her of things her heart knows isn't true.

"To be different."

He lifts his shoulders. "Maura already likes who you are."

"I know." I sigh, closing my eyes for a second.

"So why do you want to be someone else?"

"I want to be someone that can make her happy." I cross my arms in frustration, hands fisted. "And I can't because I'm not right for her. She deserves better, or at least normal, and she'll realize that fast. She's smart."

"So let her make that decision. There's no reason you have to."

"Yes there is." I say, annoyed with him. "My entire being is the reason. All the shit in my head. Whenever I sense myself letting my guard down, I retreat into myself and push her away. But I have to, because I know how this ends."

Frankie's brow furrows. "I'm not sure I understand. You've been with her for months now, and all this is just now bothering you?"

I hesitate. Some part of me doesn't want to admit to Frankie that I am scared for my own sake, that if I am unable to make it work losing her would destroy me.

I drop my gaze to my legs again. "I don't know how to make it work, and now there's feelings involved, and I don't want her to get hurt. Eventually she will, and she'll leave me."

"And then you'll be alone again. Probably forever." He says, fully understanding what I'm not telling him.

"Exactly."

"Because you're a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy."

I nod. He knows me way to well Its aggravating as fuck.

"Bullshit, Jane."

"Huh?"

He shrugs. "Bullshit. If you truly believed you're a horrible person, you wouldn't be here talking about her. You'd have given up already and holed up somewhere to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. And you do know how to make it work, you're just scared."

I swallow, unsure if I should tell Frankie to fuck off or keep talking.

"The truth is, you're letting fear from the past poison the potential of this relationship." He leans forward, knees on his elbows. "But you have to be willing to try, Jane. You have to be willing to fail. And that takes guts."

My arms uncross. Is he calling me a coward? "I have guts." I say defensively. "I'm just trying to think things though. Frankie, Maura is…special to me. She's different." I take a breath. "She's perfect."

Frankie shakes his head. "Nobody's perfect. Not her, not you, not me…I don't even think this is all stemming from your past. Mostly, I think this is just you scared to let yourself be emotionally vulnerable to a woman you care about." He smiles wryly. "Oldest story in the book."

During the drive back to Maura's house I think about what Frankie said. Is he right? Is it plain old fear rather than my past getting in the way of making this work? How would he know, anyway? He doesn't hear that voice in my head that makes me doubt everything. God, what I wouldn't give for some fucking conviction about something.

I know I don't want to be closed off and miserable for the rest of my life. Maybe I thought I could be alone, but that was before Maura showed me what it was like to be with her. And it isn't sexual...well, it is a little, but its also emotional. She makes me want to be more open. She makes me want to chase away the demons that live inside me. She makes me want to change the way I live my life. She makes me want to deserve her, or at least try. All I can do is try.

When I get back Maura's she's still asleep and the sun is coming in through the window, and I smile at the way it falls across her features. And I wonder If this can work. A huge part of me hopes that just maybe Maura can be the one person who is strong enough, sweet enough, forgiving enough to help me make this work. The thought is both terrifying and beautiful.

Her phone buzzes on the night stand and I pick it up. It's a text messages from her mother asking about dinner.

I send a simple text back hoping Maura doesn't get pissed that I agreed to dinner with her mother.

Maura begins to stir and I set her phone back on the night stand, and climb back into her bed and let myself hold her the way I wanted to last night. I know we should be getting ready for work but at this moment I don't care.

Don't be fucking melodramatic, snaps my fathers voice. You think the things she said to you were real? Its a fucking game. I stroke her hair, trying to ignore my fathers voice that tries to fill my head with punishing dread, I try to fill it with with the scent of her skin, the softness of her breath, the weight of her head on my chest.

I know she's awake, and after a few minutes she lift her head and looks at me. I see her worried expression, and I know this time I can try to make it better.

"Jane I..." She begins but I cut her off, by rolling her over and covering her mouth with my hand, silencing her.

Then I position my hands so her face is trapped between them, and I'm glad its not dark and I can see my favorite part about her, her eyes. They're a mirror to her emotions and I love being able to see what she's feeling whenever I look into them.

"From the moment I saw you, I knew you could undo me, because you make me feel things Maura." I hope she gets the full extent of what I'm trying to say. "When I'm around you, whether it's good or bad...I feel everything. Sometimes, I don't handle it too well, and I fight it by acting like an asshole, but I feel like you see the real me, and it's scary as fuck because I don't think I'm good enough for you, I don't deserve your love. Maybe it's my past, maybe I'm just difficult, I have no fucking clue. But I know you're going to have to give me many chances to make this work, and I might not deserve all of those chances you'll have to give me."

She's quiet for what feels like an eternity, after I spill my guts to her. The soft sound of her breathing fills the silence between us. She nods and smiles, as if she's having a conversation with herself.

"I love you, Jane. And I'm going to keep saying it, because you deserve to know and you deserve to be loved." She takes my face in her hands. "And I'll give you those chances, if that makes me a fool, well…" She smiles. "At least I'll be your fool."

I lean in and kiss her, taking my time, savoring the feel of her lips. I take her hand and hold onto to it for a thousand different reasons, to touch her, to feel comforted, to keep on living, and breathing.


	23. Chapter 23

Jane's point of view.

"I hate this." Maura complains to me later that night as I open the door for her. We are at a hotel, a stuffy one, and the clientele is beautifully dressed.

"The concept of me meeting your family? Or dinner itself?" I ask.

She gives me her I'm irritated with you look and I laugh and grab her hand.

"It's just two hours, and there's alcohol." I remind her, trying to be upbeat about meeting her family.

I take in the restaurant, its wall to wall fancy people. A waspy looking woman is sitting next to Arthur isles

She is wearing a classic Chanel pink suit and a string of pearls.

"Is that your mom?" I ask through the fake smile I have plastered on.

"Yeah."

"She's petrifying." I say.

"Absolutely." Maura says.

"There's stupid Cara, my cousin." She points to a Mrs. Isles Jr. except that her teeth are a little horsey, and when she laughs, her bony shoulders shake aggressively.

"Why do you hate her so much? She looks nice." I say, actually she looks exhausting, her laser like ice blue stare pierces every person who comes within range.

"You'll see what I mean, when you meet her."

"Well, let's go meet the firing squad." I pull her towards the table.

Mrs. Isles stands as we approach the table.

"Maura." she says, reaching out and giving her a hug, careful not to get makeup on Maura dress.

"Mother." She says, and then pulls me forwards. "This is Jane Rizzoli."

"Mrs. Isles." I say, holding out my hand to her.

She doesn't take my hand. Instead, she looks me up and down, and looks back at Maura. "Very nice, Maura. Very nice."

Then she turns back to me, I can almost hear her buzzing, a bundle of sharp edges, nerves, and plans.

She finally takes my hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Jane." she says. "It's lovely to see that you not only exist, but that you aren't designed to embarrass her family."

I look at her, shocked and wondering what she means by that. I shake her hand limply. I note that my plastered on smile is intact. If her cousin is this bad, I am going to need a steady supply of alcohol to keep it in place.

I release her hand.

"Mother." Maura says, her voice laced with anger.

Mrs. Isles stops inspecting me and turns to Maura with a glare. It must be the way she normally looks at her, her face relaxes into it. I'm starting to get really pissed at Mrs. Isles.

I squeeze Maura's hand. I can handle this woman.

Before I can say anything Cara Maura's cousin holds out her hand I take it warily. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Cara." She says.

"Jane Rizzoli, I've heard a lot about you."

Cara laughs so hard she almost spits out her drink, and then she looks at Maura.

"She's a keeper. Loyal and a pretty decent liar."

She gives me a smile and turns her laser like eyes to back to Maura. I can see why Maura doesn't like her cousin.

She fakes smiles at Maura, and her collarbones move up and down when she shrugs. "I see congratulations are in order."

"For what?" Maura asks, clearly confused.

"For landing her." Cara

says, looking back at me her laser like stare looks as if it is micro analyzing my every pore.

I might have imagined it, but Maura seems to shift uncomfortably next to me.

"She landed me." Maura says, grinning back at Cara.

Maura pulls me closer. I smile and shrug.

Arthur swoops in to rescue us. Pleasant conversation is made between us, as we finally take our seats and I wonder how he got caught up with this family.

I order a double when the waiter comes by and Maura orders a martini. I feel her mother's eyes on us, and I worry that Maura will hand it off to me and I wont be able to balance it while running away from her scary mother.

Maura takes a big sip of her martini when it arrives and grabs my hand again.

Platters of delicious looking appetizers, finger sandwiches, and cookies are brought to us, and my stomach growls. Maura grabs a plate of crab cake appetizers.

"Eat." She says, and feeds me a forkful. "You need to keep yourself fortified against the alcohol."

I find crab disgusting, something akin to what I imagine cat food tastes like. But I don't say a word. I watch her as I chew.

She feeds me another bite, and then leans in to me.

"It's nice to have an ally." She whispers and smiles up at me.

I finish my drink and immediately wish I had another. I don't understand this family.

Maura leaves to go to the restroom and leaves me with her family for a few minutes and Mrs. Isles pats the empty chair next to her and Cara, and motions for me to join them, I obey. Of course I obey I'm not about to argue with her. I sit down next to her, careful not to get too close.

"We haven't had much time to talk." Mrs. Isles says.

"I know." I say. Thank God, I think to myself.

"Tell me about your family. Maura mentioned that you're from Boston."

"I'm afraid my family wont be that interesting to you. Very middle class. Very boring and under the radar, unlike your family."

She smiles briefly at my compliment that was not a compliment. I fight back a smile, this woman has no idea who I am or what I do.

"Is it serious between you and my daughter?"

I smile at her and try to decide on a course of action. With lying, I find it is safest to tell the version closest to the truth.

"She's out of my league, Mrs. Isles." I say. "I'm sure she'll figure it out sooner rather than later."

To my shock, some approval actually crepes into her face. It appears that she is supporting me.

I self consciously grab a sandwich. Cara starts talking to Mrs. Isles about a facial filler.

I reach for another sandwich and stuff it into my mouth before I have to talk some more. I forget all about being self conscious. If Mrs. Isles can talk about filling her face up with pharmaceuticals, I can fill mine with food. Besides, I cant handle these two on an empty stomach. They are being friendly, and it sets off all my internal alarms.

Cara smiles and pats my hand. My back immediately stiffens. To her credit, she is more than a little drunk.

I take another sandwich and stuff it into my mouth.

Maura returns a few moments later and I take my seat next to her. The rest of dinner passes in a blur of cocktails, delicious food, and curious stares from Cara, and Mrs. Isles. I hold Maura's hand and ignore the battling feelings of impending doom that still rages on inside me. I eat the delicious food and pretend to care what Cara has to say.

"So what did your mother mean by the 'designed to embarrass your family' thing?" I ask after dinner, while we are waiting for Harrison to come pick us up.

"I have no idea." She says, and I don't believe her.

The next day Sarah the attorney working on Hoyt's case calls me to give me an update, which is basically so she can inform me that Hoyt is being an uncooperative pain in the ass. She suggest that I should see a therapist to help me get through this, but I tell her I'm fine, since the idea of going and spilling my thoughts to someone sends horror and fear through me, its something I never want to go through again, but she tells me she has already set up an appointment with the department shrink, because Hoyt's lawyer has found some kind a loop hole in a sense, that could take down the whole case, but if I let someone else analyze my mind it would help with the case against him. She doesn't go into what Hoyt's lawyer has, but she assures me that if I do this everything will work out.

I find myself waiting on this shrink during my lunch hour, when she finally appears I stand as slowly as possible and fix my jacket, trying to avoid this as long as possible. A part of me wishes I had told Maura about this, I know she'd have words of encouragement.

I walk towards the lady standing at the door, she smiles as I grow closer. She's a bit different than what I expected. She's got fiery red hair, the kind you have to dye to make it look like that. She's dressed in a pant suit though and her hair is pulled up into a bun.

I force my feet to follow her, and with every step, even the simplest thing, like breathing, becomes a challenge. She takes me to a small room that has a few chairs and a desk in it. My heart starts beating too fast, and my lungs feel as if they are being crushed.

Everything comes flooding back. Everything that I've kept locked away, I can see everything happening as if I am watching a horror movie. I am on the outside, looking in at a terrified child as Hoyt does those vile things to me, it's burned into my memory. I'm not ready for this. My eyes sting, and the vile burn starts to form in my stomach it aches like a forming bruise.

I sit in the closet chair I can find, not sure if I'm going to puke or bolt the hell out of here. My pulse speeds even more, erratic and without a distinct beat. I feel it pulsating underneath every wound and scar on my body.

"So what brought you in here today, Jane?" She asks after she sits behind her desk and sorts through a file on her desk.

"You don't know that already?" My voice comes out piercing and uneven and makes me sound weak and pathetic.

She smiles up at me, surprisingly not annoyed by my answer. This is going to be harder than I thought.

She looks down at the folder again, reading a paper that's inside it. After looking it over briefly, she looks up at me.

"So other than what this file says about you, what do I need to know about you?"

I try to give a relaxed shrug. "Doesn't it say enough… Tell you what's wrong with me?

She gives me a soft smile. "I'd like to hear what you think about you, not anyone else."

I honestly don't know how to answer her, I'm not used to this kind of situation.

"There's not much to know."

She jots down some notes and then looks up at me.

"Look, Jane, I know sometimes it's hard to talk about how we feel, especially when we have so much hate and rage going on inside, but you might find it helpful to talk about it."

She scribbles some more notes down, and then overlaps her hands and places them on top of the notebook.

I fold my arms, and lean back in the seat with my legs kicked out in front of me.

I know I'm being a pain in the ass and I don't know why. I feel bitter on the inside. I feel everything and maybe that's the problem. I clench my hands into fists and jab my fingernails into my palms.

"Maybe I just don't want to be here." I mutter. "But it's fucking hard, you know?"

She leans forward with interest.

"What's hard?"

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

"Life." I shrug.

"What's hard about your life, Jane?"

This woman doesn't get it, which might make it easier.

"Feeling everything."

She looks perplexed as she reclines in her chair. "Feeling emotions? Or the pain in life?"

Fuck. Maybe she does get it. "Both I guess."

"Do you ever let yourself feel what's inside you?"

I consider what she said for a very long time.

"I'm not sure… Maybe… Not always."

"And why is that?" She asks.

I think back to everything Hoyt did and how eventually I just drowned it all out, shut down, and died inside.

"Because it's too much."

It's a simple answer, but each word conveys more meaning than anything I've ever said. It's fucking strange to talk about it aloud. I don't like people to see how ugly and fucked up I am on the inside.

She picks up a pen from her desk and her hand swiftly moves across the paper as she scribbles down some notes.

"And what do you do when it becomes too much?"

"Nothing, I guess."

She chews on the end of the pen as she evaluates me.

"Let's talk about the day you went to to kill Charles Hoyt, explain to me how you felt when you were making your decision. Emotions always play a large part in the things we do."

"How do you know about that?" I ask.

"Charles Hoyt told his lawyer, who went to the district attorney with the information."

"And that's why I'm here now?"

"Yes, now back to my original question."

"I'm not a fan of emotions." I admit, slouching back in the chair.

"I know that." She responds confidently. "And I'd like to get to the bottom of why."

"No, you wouldn't." I tell her, dragging my nail up the inside of my palm to soothe the accelerating beat of my heart. "No one wants to hear about that. Trust me."

She drops the pen on top of the notebook that's on her desk.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because it's true." I stab my nails deeper into my skin. "I'm twenty eight years old and everything that's done is done. There's no point in trying to save me. Who I am and what I do is always going to be."

"I'm not trying to save you." she promises. "I'm trying to heal you."

I run my finger along a thin scar on the palm of my hand that was put there when Hoyt cut me. "What? Heal these? I'm pretty fucking sure they're not going anywhere."

She positions her hand over her heart.

"I want to heal what's in here."

Usually I bail on these situations. Otherwise I'll end up feeling things I don't want to.

"This is getting way to heart to heart for me." I say and grab onto the sides of the chair to push myself up.

She holds up her hand, signaling for me to sit back down.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about your feelings, but I want you to answer one thing for me."

I stare blankly at her as I lower myself back into the chair.

"That depends on what that one thing is."

She taps the pen against the notebook as she deliberates.

"Other than the obvious why did you want to kill him as you said what's done is done."

"It's the same question with you."

"Because it's an important question."

"Why?" I'm getting annoyed, frustrated, and pissed off, and the anger snakes through my veins underneath my skin.

"Why did you want to kill him?" It's like she's stuck on repeat and I want her to shut the hell up.

I shake my head as my pulse speeds up with either anger or fear I don't know which.

"I was tired of being afraid of him."

She sits forward in the chair.

"After all this time you're still afraid of him?"

"Obviously." I shake my head, annoyed.

She looks like she's struck gold and found an insight into what's locked away in my soul.

"Can you answer just one more question for me?"

I throw my hands in the air exasperatedly.

"Do whatever the hell you want. You're already on a roll."

"Do you think you'll ever stop being afraid of him?" She asks.

"No." I mutter, I wasn't trying to be that honest but It comes out before I can stop it.

She waits for me to divulge more information. What more does she want from me?

She writes down a few notes, then clicks her pen and puts it on her desk before shutting her notebook.

"I think we might have made some progress today." She checks her watch and then gets to her feet.

She picks up a card from her desk.

"I'd like to see you next week, if that's okay. Same time and day?"

I want to tell her no, be a bitch so I don't have to come back and let her analyze my mind, but I find myself muttering okay, then I take the card she offers me before bolting the hell out of that office before she can say anything else.

I find a bathroom, and slam my hand against the door as I fling it open. I run to the nearest stall and collapse to my knees, but nothing happens. Im shaking and sweating as I sit back and lean against the wall, letting my head fall back. Then I just sit there. Not feeling better.

I pull out my phone a few minutes later and text Maura. I tell her that I'll be picking her up from work, and to be ready. She's the only one that calm the storm thats raging inside me right now.

When she gets in my car she turns towards me.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

"It's nothing."

"Did you have a bad day?"

The worry in her voice is like a punch in the stomach. "No, Maura." I glance at her, and take her hand in mine.

I drive us to the Commons. The trees are all in bloom, there are flowers everywhere, and its warm. Usually in Boston, its either winter or humid, except for a brief respite during the fall. But today it is perfect.

"Would you like a pretzel?" I ask Maura when we come up on a cart.

"Yes, please."

"Would you like to ride the swan boats?" I ask a few minutes later.

"Really?" Maura asks.

I nod at her.

"My whole life I've lived here, and I've never been on them."

"I'd love to." Maura says with a smile.

I go and buy tickets and come back, grinning at her. "I'm not usually a swan boat kind of person, but I've been watching these damn things for years and never had a reason to get on them."

We get into the boat and go back and forth a few times. It is anticlimactic and perfect.

"Did you grow up here?" I ask Maura after our swan boat ride.

"I did." Maura answers. "Right over there on beacon hill." She jerks her thumb towards the other side of the park.

"Did you ever come to the swan boats?"

She shrugs. "Not that I remember. Maybe one of my nannies took me."

We are quiet for a few minutes.

"Are you ever going to tell me what's wrong?" She asks.

I shift my weight. "I went to talk to a therapist today, I'm suppose to see her. It has something to do with the case."

"Why didn't you tell me, I would have gone with you."

"I don't know." I shrug. "I just thought I could do it alone."

"Jane." She sighs, shaking her head and taking my hand. "I can help you if you'll just let me, and you don't ever have to do anything alone anymore."

"I know that Maura, I just don't want to be a burden."

"Jane, I love you you'll never be a burden to me."

It's a fucking game. I hear my fathers voice again, but I drown it out.

"I have to go back next week, would you like to come?"

"Of course Jane." She says and smiles.


	24. Chapter 24

AN-I want to apologize for getting this out so late, December was a really busy month for me. I should be updating regularly again.

Maura's point of view.

"Okay, Jane, we need to talk." I say two weeks later on our way back to my house after work, I'm to anxious to postpone this conversation any further. I swivel in the front seat of Jane's car, and push my sunglasses to my head so I can see her clearly.

She glances sideways at me, her own eyes hidden behind her dark glasses. "Sounds intriguing."

I take a deep breath. "Why haven't you touched me since the day we….since we had sex?"

Her brow rises over her sunglasses, but she keeps her eyes on the road.

"I just thought...Well you didn't say anything about it..I don't know how to proceed, I don't know if you'd want to do it again, or go back to before." She says, clearly flustered.

"Of course I want to do it again, it was spectacular. Incredibly spectacular." My thighs tense just thinking about the sensual delight we experienced that day. A kernel of insecurity crepes in under my praise, causing me to wonder if she felt the same.

"How did you think it was?" I ask, bracing myself.

"Fine." Her smirk lets me know that she is teasing, but I lightly pinch her thigh anyway.

"Carful! Im driving." She brings my hand to her mouth and kisses it before letting go.

She takes off her sunglasses and tucks them into the compartment above her mirror, before studying me for a moment.

Before she says anything her phone rings and she reaches over to answer connecting it to her hands free set.

"Yeah." She says, looking at the road again.

I look out the window trying to ignore her private business call.

I can't help but overhear some of the conversation taking place, and I notice when the playful Jane turns into business Jane.

"I'm not keen to sell to this particular buyer, but the other members of the board feel differently." Jane says to whoever is on the other line of the phone.

Jane's furrows her brow and I think she won't say anything more because I'm in the car with her, but she goes on.

"This buyer would run the place to the ground. The company would be torn apart. People would lose their jobs."

I sit mesmerized listening to her. I see her passion for the people that work for her.

When she gets off the phone she notices me staring and she shifts in her seat. I'm sure she would be disturbed to discover how much I discerned from such a brief phone call.

The silence in the car is finally broken by Jane.

"There's been some outside interest in one of my smaller companies, many stand to gain a sizable profit for a sale. Actually, it's been quite stressful fighting to keep the company together when so many people are opposed."

I see her relax and maybe enjoy telling me about something that weighs heavily on her. Did she have anyone she shared these things with? It doesn't seem likely.

The conversation I started in the car doesn't get brought back up as we discuss her situation through dinner, and then watch a movie.

As we climb the stairs to my bedroom nervousness sets in. I follow her through the door into my bedroom. Honestly she should just move in, with how much shes here already. As I stand at the door worrying about the conversation we didn't get to finish, Jane removes her suit jacket, obviously unaware of my anxiety. She turns back to me as she unbuttons her shirt and pauses, noticing I haven't moved since entering the room.

Before she can ask, I blurt out what has me fretting.

"Are we ever going to finish our conversation I started in the car?"

A small smile crosses her lips.

"Of course." She continues to pin me with her stare as she resumes her unbuttoning, moving slower than she did before.

I take in a shallow breath as she takes a step toward me, her grin growing wider.

She reaches out and pulls me to her and kisses me hard. Instant heat rushes through me at her touch. I kiss her back and wrap my arms around her neck. unnoticed me in the middle of this kiss Jane moves us to the bed. My skirt slides up as I straddle her.

Jane reaches out and pulls my skirt up higher. I move my hips against her thighs, my body having a mind of its own.

Her lips travel to my neck and I reach down to finish unbuttoning her shirt.

She tangles her fingers through my hair, and pulls me in for another kis once I take her shirt off.

"Jane." I groan, my fingers tensing for the briefest moment on her chest where her heart is thudding.

Her fingers slide beneath my shirt and graze my nipple, I instantly surrender in her arms, opening my mouth and allowing her to deepen the kiss as I move my hips against hers again. Now she's the one groaning, while tugging at my hair, nipping at my lips, biting my neck. She's being a little bit rougher with me than normal, but I don't care.

Moving away slightly I grab the bottom of her undershirt and tug it over her head. My fingers instantly find the scars on her chest and she struggles to breathe as I trace the rough and jagged patterns of each one. My lips follow the path my fingers make, planting kisses on her skin.

When I finish I recline back and lift my arms above my head so she can remove my shirt.

Once my shirt comes off Jane undoes the front clip of my bra, and her mouth promptly encloses over one of my nipples.

She lets out this gasp mixed with a plea as my fingers slide through her hair, tugging at the roots, both pulling and pushing her closer. My legs clamp down on her sides, causing a throaty groan to escape her mouth. I just about lose it.

In one motion she twist and pushes me down on the bed, her hand still cups one of my breasts as I fall back. Jane is on top of me kissing my jaw, my neck and then my breast.

Shivers race up and down my spine as she moves my skirt up higher and reaches into my panties to touch me. I clench my teeth together to stop myself from screaming out when her hand makes contact.

Jane smiles against my neck as kisses it and rubs my clit. My hips buck as pleasure spreads through me like electricity. I can barely think let alone do anything else. I grip her shoulders as she sinks two fingers into my folds and starts thrusting gently.

"I can't hold out and longer." I burst out.

She growls and then removes her hand. The pleasure building in me slowly deflating. Her mouth leaves my neck and she stares down at me with her smoldering brown eyes.

She grabs a hold of my skirt and slowly removes it along with my panties. She trails kisses down one of my inner thighs and then moves up to torment the other one.

"Jane." I groan. "Please."

She smiles, cocky and sure of herself.

She slides up against me slowly so her belt, and pants all brush against my nub and teases me. She pulls down her pants and boxers in one swift movement, freeing herself.

I watch in fascination as she slides into me and then slowly out. I want to close my eyes and take her all in but the look on her face stops me. Its complete desire, lust, and something else I am to unfamiliar with to identify.

Jane lowers herself so her forehead rest against mine and she braces herself on her arms, trapping me under her. She buries herself in me again in one smooth stroke. She smothers mt cries with her lips, kissing me mercilessly as she thrusts.

Pleasure builds inside me until I can't hold back any longer. My hips buck as I come hard. The force of it leaves me quivering and whimpering in Jane's arms, which pushes her over the edge. Her own hips rock as she comes with me.

She collapses on top of me, her head buried in my neck. While she catches her breath I run my hands up and down her back. When my hands come into contact with her bra I wonder if next time we can try to take this off.

Slowly, Jane pulls out of me shivering and moaning as she does.

"You are incredible." She says, as she rest her weight on her knees.

She reaches for my hands and pulls me into a sitting position. She rearranges us so she is on her back and I'm resting my head on her chest.

Jane strokes my hair gently. She chuckles, the sound vibrating against her chest.

"You have skills."

I smile and kiss her chest.

"You're not so bad yourself."

She laughs again.

When I shiver her arms tighten around me, and then she reaches for a blanket. After she covers us up, she kisses my forehead, and then runs her fingers through my hair until I fall asleep.

"Hey, you, wake up." I hear Jane's voice before I feel her hands rubbing my back. Squinting my eyes, I groan as the light hits them and roll over to my back.

"It's almost ten, and i've got a big day planned."

This statement has my eyes shooting open. "I'm late for work!"

"Don't worry about it. Now come on, breakfast is ready."

"What'd you make?" I ask excitedly.

"French toast." She replies.

"Okay give me a minute." I throw the blanket off and drag my feet to the bathroom. I take my time brushing my teeth, and getting a shower.

When I walk in the kitchen, she has two plates of french toast set out, with a couple of glasses of orange juice.

We sit opposite each other and I shovel my food into my mouth, savoring the crispy gooey combination.

"I wish you would tell me how you make these like this." I say.

"It's Ma's recipe. I've been sworn to secrecy." She laughs, taking a bite.

I finish before she even gets halfway done.

"You seem like you're starving." She says.

"I feel like I am."

Jane stands and grabs my empty plate, setting it in the sink.

"I thought we'd go do something fun today, and skip work."

Not able to speak because I suddenly feel like I'm going to be sick, I nod. The movement makes my stomach retch, and I push my chair back and run to the bathroom. I don't shut the door behind me because I don't have time before I find myself emptying the contents of my stomach.

I feel her pull my hair back, as she says soothing words. I reach up and flush when i'm finished, but I don't feel any better.

"I think you've got that stomach bug Susan had last week." Jane says, while helping me to my bedroom.

"Yeah, and you should probably go so you don't get sick too."

"A little stomach bug has never bothered me before." She says while tucking me in like a child. "My mother knows the best remedy for the stomach bug, I'm going to go call her."

I nod, and close my eyes as she leaves the room.

I must doze because when I open my eyes again Jane is sitting on the bed next to me, running her hand across my face and through my hair. It relaxes me and comforts all at the same time.

"How are you feeling?" She asks.

I take a moment before answering waiting to see if I feel nauseous again.

"I actually feel much better."

"Good." She says and smiles. "My mother brought over some soup, do you think you can eat?"

At the mention of food I suddenly feel like I'm starving.

"Yes." I say.

"I'll be back." She says.

I watch her walk out of my bedroom, and I throw the blanket off, and get out of bed slowly just in case. When I know I'm not going to be sick again, I go to the bathroom to take another shower, so I'll feel clean after this morning.

When I get out I start to get dressed, but stop when my eyes connect on the box of tampons I bought last month. I go back into my bedroom and find my phone, I open up my period tracker and see that I'm a few days late. For a moment I panic, and then remember from what i've read up on Jane's condition there's a huge possibility she can't have kids. There's no reason to worry, is there?

My head feels dizzy and I have the sudden urge to throw up again. I toss my phone on the bed and sprint to the bathroom. After I'm finished I hang my face over the sink and splash cold water on it.

A cold washcloth is placed on the back of my neck a second later, and I spin around not expecting anyone to be in here with me.

"Are you okay?" Jane asks while rubbing my arms soothingly. I nod my head, not ready to answer with words.

I stare at Jane for several seconds and think back on these last couple of weeks. She's done so much better, if I really was pregnant would I lose her?

AN-This story will really start moving now. Jane is going to deal with her father soon, the trail will happen soon, and now to find out if Maura really is pregnant. I don't know if it could actually happen, but I'd like to think that it could.


	25. Chapter 25

Maura's point of view.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jane asks after several minutes.

I look at her again. Should I tell her? What if i'm just late due to stress? I don't want to freak her out over nothing. I should just wait a few days and see if I start, or buy a test.

Yes that's what I should do, to be certain.

"I'm okay." I tell her, and then turn back to the sink to brush my teeth.

There is no reason to panic yet. Tomorrow I will buy a pregnancy test. People do that all the time, and it comes back negative all the time. Today I need to put it out of my mind and get some rest. I would only make myself sick again worrying about it.

I ate some of the soup Angela brought over, and then we cuddled together on my bed and watched movies until we both fell asleep later that night.

The next morning, I feel nauseated but not enough to keep me from getting up when I hear Jane moving around downstairs. Knowing she's here still and hasn't gone to work is making me nervous. After freshening up and throwing on some clothes, I find Jane in the kitchen making breakfast. She has her back to me, and I lean against the doorframe to watch her.

When she turns, and spots me she smiles.

"Morning, how are you feelin?"

"I feel pretty good." I say, and push away from the door and go to the fridge for some orange juice.

She takes it from me, and pulls out a chair.

"Sit."

When I do as she asked, she slides a plate towards me and pours us each a glass of juice. I don't wait for her to start before I start eating.

There are no words spoken as we eat. When I finish I make sure i'm going to keep it down before I get up and grab my dirty dishes and busy myself cleaning them since I don't have a dishwasher, the only downside of this place.

Her chair scrapes along the floor, and her steps get closer. She stands behind me and boxes me in with her arms, her chest flush with my back. An involuntary shudder courses through my body when she moves the hair off the right side of my neck and replaces it with her mouth.

She rest her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around me.

"There's something going on with you."

"How do you know?"

"Your eyes. They tell me everything without you having to say a word, they always do. And you not looking into mine is all the proof I need. Tell me. Let me help you for once."

God, I want to, but I can't. I'm too afraid of how she'll react.

"Jane, I can't." I reply staring down at the water that is circling around the drain.

She grips my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to look at her as she frames my face with her hands. She runs the thumb over my cheek and smiles before turning and walk away.

I let out a deep breath when she leaves the kitchen, and I hope I can get out of the house today without her.

Later that day, when she's busy on the phone I tell her I'm going to the store to pick up some more tylenol. I hope she will just let me go alone, but she has me wait for her.

She drives us to a small store that is just a little bigger than a convenience store. It has food and toiletries and a random assortment of items, but the pharmacy in the back is my concern.

"Would you mind grabbing me a drink?" I ask. "I'm going to run to the bathroom, grab that medicine, and i'll meet you back up here."

I don't wait for her to agree before I turn to walk away. I head to the pharmacy, glancing behind me to see when she is no longer looking. When she turns, I pick up the pace and begin scouring the shelves for pregnancy tests.

When I find the right aisle all I can do is stare at the display. There are brand names and off brands, digital and sticks and cups, one lines and two lines, plus signs and the signs of the apocalypse.

I finally grab the stick one with the plus sign, and blot to the pharmacy counter at the back of the store.

The lady at the register scanned the test, and I shoved in my purse just as Jane came around the corner. She's holding a bottle of water and smiling, and God, I want to tell her, but I am so worried she'll freak out. I mean, why wouldn't she? We haven't been together that long, we've never even talked about kids. Does she know it's possible she can conceive a child? Probably not, or should would have taken more precaution. I need to talk to Angela.

She sets the water on the counter.

"I thought you said you were getting tylenol?"

I grab a random bottle of ibuprofen and shake it, and then hand it to the lady to scan it.

After we few minutes of arguing over who is going to pay, Jane takes the bag from the lady and carries it outside while I pay.

When we are on the road again I turn towards Jane.

"You don't have to sit at my house all day and make sure i'm okay, I really do feel much better."

"I like sitting at your house with you." She says.

"You were on the phone earlier, it sounded important. If you really think I need a babysitter, you could drop me off at your mother's house, while you go to work."

She debates this with herself for several minutes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes i'm sure, plus It's been awhile since i've seen her."

"Okay, but if you start feeling bad again call me."

"I will."

She drops me off, and I go in to find Angela in the kitchen cooking. I don't bring up the real conversation I want to have with her until she sits down at the table with me.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." She says.

"Can Jane...Can she get anyone pregnant?"

Angela stares at me for a few seconds almost like she knows.

"The doctors never said, but I always hoped she could. Why?" Her piercing eyes tells me she knows exactly why i'm asking.

"I'm late." I blurt out. "Just a few days, I was sick yesterday. I woke up nauseated this morning. It could be the stomach bug Susan had last week, but my cycles run with such precision I could set clocks to them."

"Do you want to go buy a test?"

I open my purse and pull out the one I bought.

"I already did." I say, and set it on the table between us.

"Do you want to take it?"

"I don't know, It could be stress right? And all this worrying is for nothing." I say, to reassure myself.

Angela grabs my fidgeting hands.

"Sweetie, the only way you'll know for sure is to take the test."

I nod, agreeing with her, but still not sure if i'll follow through.

I reluctantly decide to do it, and get it over with. I get up and go to the bathroom, Angela follows me.

"You're not going to watch me pee are you?"

"No, i'll be outside. You might need this." She hands me a plastic cup, and walks outside while I pee.

After I pee in the cup, I place the pregnancy test in the cup wait the five seconds the directions told me to, and them place it on the sink, and then leave the bathroom.

The next three minutes are the longest three minutes ever. When my phone timer goes off, I look at Angela. She has an anxious look on her face. Finally getting my legs to move to the sink, I grab it.

Positive.

I hand it to Angela, and lean against the wall letting it all sink in. I have a baby in my stomach right now. A baby that Jane and I created together. Placing my hand on my stomach, the tears start to fall.

"Maura." Angela reaches over and takes my hand. "Don't freak out, it'll be okay."

"Jane isn't going to take this well." I say, feeling the hysteria rise in me. "I can't believe this is happening."

"It'll be okay." Angela repeats herself.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know my daughter, she may freak out at first like you are right now, but it'll be okay."

"Okay." I say, shaking my head, but I don't believe it'll be okay.


	26. Chapter 26

Jane's point of view.

Maura sits on her bed after I pick her up from my mothers house, and I am at a lose on how to act, because she's quiet. too quiet. As much as I don't want her to be feeling bad I hope that that's all this is about.

"How are you feeling?

She blinks a few times, and I can't read her expression. its sad, happy, and confusing. I don't know what is going on, but I can feel the panic rising under my skin, at the back of my throat, in the lining of my lungs. She shakes her head until her expression clears, and then she smiles.

"Okay I think." She says as she crosses her arms over her stomach.

"Well, do you want to watch a movie or something?" I ask.

"I think I just want to go to sleep."

I brush her hair back and kiss her forehead. "Of course. Can I get you something? Water? Medicine?"

She swallows and shakes her head.

"I think...I think I just need some sleep."

I nod.

"Of course."

I pull the blankets back and she slides between the sheets.

"Get some rest. I'm going to take a quick shower."

She pulls the blankets up to her neck settling back on the pillow.

"I'm sorry." She says, as I walk away.

I turn back to her.

"For what?"

"I just...I don't know i'm just sorry."

"There's no need to be sorry." Unless she's sorry for something else.

After my shower I climb into bed with Maura, she's still awake but she doesn't say anything to me. I wrap my arms around her, and she leans her head against my chest, and I brush her face so I can see her eyes. I don't know what I hope to see in them, but i know I need this connection as much as I think she does. I don't understand what's going on with her but I hope tomorrow she's back to her normal self.

Camera's flash, as we step out of my car the next day after a quiet ride to work. I ignore them. Word has spread about the trial coming up and the reasons behind it. I walk over to Maura and take her hand trying to get to the door faster. I hope if i appear busy the media hounds will ignore me. It's a futile hope.

"Ms. Rizzoli! Is it true what Charles Hoyt did to you? Is it true that you're considering selling your business because of this? Are you intersex? Did you hear that Charles Hoyt is saying you're lying? How does that make you feel?"

The questions are shot with deadly accuracy, one after another. I swallow my anger. I am getting the lowest of the low gossip rags because of all this. I suck in a deep breath and lift my head.

"We are just trying to get to work. Perhaps you should focus on something else." I've lost track of the number of times i've been accosted by the press over the last few years.

One bold photographer with beady eyes that remind me of a cobra about to strike swaggers forward. His hair, long and course, looks as though he'd stuck his finger in a light socket. I dub him the sleaze.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but this is big news." He holds up his camera up and snaps several shots. "Who's this?" He asks indicating Maura.

He clicks several photos of her, and I have the sudden urge to take his camera and smash it against the pavement. Before I do just that, Harrison is by my side. We make it almost to the door of my building before the sleaze says anything more.

"You should know, Ms Rizzoli, it's best to keep the press happy. You never know what could be in the papers tomorrow."

I start to turn around to confront him, but Harrison grabs my arm.

"Dont." He says, and I nod. I know confronting him will only make things worse.

When we step on the elevator, Maura squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile, and I hope with everything I have that she's back to normal.

When I get to my floor Susan is waiting on me with some papers and a coffee. I take the papers and coffee from her and she follows me into my office.

"Tara and Bobby from you Lexington branch are waiting in the conference room.:

"Alright." I say in acknowledgment, and she leaves.

I look over the papers she gave me from Tara, and pull out a resume and leave my office for the conference room.

I shake their hands, and take a seat at the head of the table.

"We have an issue with our marketing manager. His health's taken a hit and he's taking a break." Tara says, getting right down to business.

"You mean he's not coming back." I say, eyeing the woman with a mixture of curiosity and slight contempt. I hate when people beat around the bush.

"No. He said he needed to take a step back. We had to let him go." Tara says, her eyes downcast. Bobby shakes his head as if the whole thing has been inevitable.

"And you want me to find someone to take his place?" I ask.

"Leigh Bellamy, has offered to step in for the time being. She's doing a good job of keeping things going, so we've put her on trial for a week."

I frown. "Don't you think Ms. Bellamy is going to be upset if i bring in competition? If she already knows her way around…" I falter at the pinch smile that stretches Tara's mouth.

"We just fell she might not be ready to take on such a big responsibility." Says Bobby. "It might be too much for her to handle.

"Exactly." Tara says, cutting in.

I have the distinct impression that she is the one calling all the shots here. Bobby doesn't seem to mind. He smiles at me and lets Tara resume.

"We're giving her the opportunity to prove herself, but we'd like to explore other options."

I tap the resume, which lay on the table between us. Bobby glances at it and nods.

"Ms. Isles originally applied for this position, and I think she should get an opportunity."

Tara and Bobby both nod in sync.

I leave the conference room soon after, and have Susan call Maura up.

I go into my office while Tara and Bobby speak to Maura.

Maura comes into my office not not afterwards.

"You could have given me some kind of warning." She says, as she sits in the chair on the other side of my desk.

"Sorry, it just kind of happened." I say, not looking up from my work.

"I can't do it."

I lift my gaze from the papers in front of me, and put my pen down.

"Why not? This is what you wanted in the beginning."

"It's just...Right now it's not a good idea."

I see the worry etched across her face, and I stand from my seat and walk around the desk to take the seat next to her.

"Maura, what's wrong?"

She turns her face to the side and swallows.

"Look at me, Maura. Don't ever be afraid to look me in the eyes." I wait until she turns her head and meets my gaze. "You don't have to take this position if you don't want to." I say, purposefully keeping my voice light and my face bright. "But I need you to tell me whats going on with you."

The fearful look on her face won't do at all, but I don't know how to make it go away.

"I...I"m pregnant…" She finally says.

Fucking hell. I wanted to know what's wrong and here it is. Of all the things I have been imagining, this is the one thing that never came to mind. No wonder she's been distant. And here she is, staring at me with her chest heaving, lips quivering, waiting for me to reply.

"If you want me to go…"She starts to stand, her voice catching in her throat.

"No. I most definitely do not want you to go." I take her hands and pull her back into her chair where she perches rigidly for only a second before she melts into it.

"I'm sorry." She says.

"Why?"

"For...This."

She drops her eyes.

"Maura, look at me." I urge again. I put my finger to her chin and lift her face. "You have nothing to apologize for.

"Promise?" She whispers.

"Promise." I shift a little, freeing an arm to grab my phone, doing my best to look casual, even though I'm fucking terrified inside.

"Let's go home." I say.


	27. Chapter 27

Jane's point of view.

Nothing is said between us on the drive back to her house, or for the next few hours. I let myself start to fantasize about the baby, but the more I think about it, the more fragile she seems in my eyes, and the less I feel I am good enough for her. Fear, guilt, and shame tortures me, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel in my skin.

I sit on the couch next to her and worry with an intensity like pain. I'm afraid a baby isn't what she wants from me. I should be the one apologizing it was my responsibility to keep it from happening and I fucked up.

I do my best to hide my anxiety from Maura, but she knows me better than I thought.

"Are you okay?" She asks, finally breaking the silence between us.

"I'm fine."

She either believes me or pretends to, probably in order to give me space to work this out on my own, which makes me feel even more guilty. Don't believe me, I want to tell her. Don't let me shut you out. Don't let me ruin this with fear.

I give her a smile when she reaches over and takes one of my hands in hers. I lean toward her, and kiss her cheek to reassure her.

"I love you." She says, and I want so much to be able to say it back to her in this moment. My heart knows the truth, but my head refuses to cooperate. Refuses to believe in a future with her. Refuses to let me feel secure in the knowledge she is happy with me.

My father's voice cackles with I told you so glee, finding delight in watching me fuck this up just as predicted. I haven't battled with my father's voice in weeks and I find it unsettling.

My phone rings and I am happy to answer to get a reprieve from the worry. Harrison informs me that the sleaze from earlier has contacted Harrison for a story he wants to write about me. I tell him i'll meet him in a few at my office.

When I hang up, I look over at Maura. "I have to go deal with some things at work. Is that okay?" I ask.

"Of course." She says.

I sit with Harrison at my desk and eye the papers in between us, and ignore it. Afraid to find what story the sleaze wrote about me.

"That asshole won't hurt you, and when i'm done with him he'll be ground to dust like the slimy worm he is. A few calls will destroy that bastard forever. No one will want anything to do with him when I'm done."

"Part of me wants him destroyed. I want to stomp his little cockroach, buggy body into the ground, but we are not going to stoop to that."

"You're are not going to let him release that." His voice is firm, and I wonder if he read it.

I narrow my eyes at him and laugh harshly. "Hell no. He gets nothing, not even my energy. I've got a better idea, I tell my story to every rag, tabloid, and magazine that wants it." I glance up. "He can't sell yesterday's news, can he?"

Harrison laughs low in his throat. "You're a formidable woman, Jane Rizzoli. Remind me not to piss you off. it's a good plan, even though I'd get a lot more satisfaction from ruining the man."

Harrison and I get everything setup to happen the following Monday, giving me two days to figure out exactly what i'll be saying, and not cringe at the thought of doing this.

I text Maure as i'm leaving and tell her i'll be working late, but really I made a appointment with my therapist. She usually comes with me to these, but I don't want her here this time.

The department shrink is waiting for me when I arrive at her office, her receptionist has already left for the day, and it's just her and me as she leads me back to her office.

We both take our seat, and I stare out the window, not knowing where to start.

"I have no idea what's going on with you unless you decide to let me in on it." She says, when I stay silent for too long.

"Maura's pregnant." I blurt out, gripping the edge of the chair.

"Is that something you don't want?"

"It's not that...I mean I don't know, I've never given it much thought. I didn't think it could happen, and now I have this huge guilt weighing me down because it was my responsibility to keep it from happening and I didn't."

"Is that what Maura thinks?"

"No, but she doesn't have to."

"Have you tried to talk about this with her?"

I shake my head no.

"The more you don't talk to her, the more helpless she's going to feel. Maybe she doesn't want to broach the subject until you do, she's probably more afraid of your reaction than her own. I shouldn't be saying this, but i've seen Maura a few times without you, i've had sessions with just her." She stops to gauge my reaction, but honestly it doesn't surprise me. "She's told me it's almost like you're two different people, one that says such sweet things and makes her feel hopeful and good, and safe, and this one that's just.."

"Crazy?" I finish, braving a glance at her.

"Confused." She says, shaking her head. "Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy?"

"Because I don't!" I finally explode. "I'm not right in the head, I'm fucked up." The truth gnaws painfully at my gut, and I feel no relief in voicing it.

"You're so intent on punishing yourself for something you had no control over, you can't see straight." She says.

Reluctantly, my eyes meet hers. "She loves you, Jane, so much it hurts her to see you hurting. She wants to make everything better for you and it breaks her heart that she can't, and she wants a life with you but she can't be the only one trying to make it happen."

"This is life with me." I snap hiding behind anger and shame. "This is who I am."

"This isn't who you are, and you know it." She points a finger at me. "You're not an asshole, and you're not a freak, and you're not a monster. You're a complicated woman Jane Rizzoli and if you want to suffer alone with your tortured soul because you think for someone reason you deserve it, fine. Choose suffering over her and that baby, but do you really think Maura's going to stay and watch it unfold?"

"No." I reply, and I realize she's right, and I can't keep doing this to Maura. I can't keep shutting her out, I have to talk to her, a familiar sense of concern fill me, but with the concern is an even more foreign emotion.

I stare at the floor searching for a word for that emotion. It's almost like excitement. Yes, that's what it is. My mind is abuzz with excitement. I'm anxious to figure all this out.


	28. Chapter 28

Jane's point of view.

I find Maura in her kitchen when I get back to her house, after my eye opening appointment.

"Hi." I say, going to stand next to her.

"Hi." her voice is strained. She is pouring a cup of black coffee into the blender, her movements jerky with nerves or anger, i'm not certain. I study her in silence, trying to work out how she is doing.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes. Yes, i'm fine." she says too cheerfully as she adds some milk to the blender.

She surely doesn't appear to be fine. Physically she might be present, but emotionally she seems miles away.

Is she upset about being pregnant? Does she regret ever getting with me?

"Maura." I say, leaning against the kitchen counter. "I think we should talk."

"About what?" She walks to the fridge, retrieves a can of whipped cream and slams the fridge with deliberate force.

"You being pregnant." My voice is uncertain, with none of the self assurance I usually feel. "Do you want to be?"

"Yes." She glances up at me.

In the silence that follows, she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm making a frappuccino." She say suddenly. "Would you like some? Are you hungry? I can fix you something."

"Maura." I say, gently in an attempt to stop her nervous ramblings. "Look at me."

Taking a deep breath, she sets the canister of whipped cream on the counter, then lifts her gaze. I take a step closer, my hand coming up to caress her cheek. "I want this, I didn't think I ever would, but I do, and I need to know that we are still okay. I know this was my fault and i'll take full responsibility for it.."

"Jane." She cuts in, turning her face into my palm. "Don't, it's no one's fault. Just because you got me pregnant doesn't mean my feelings have changed." She say, and smiles.

I smile with her. "So, can we put the coffee up now? If you drink that this late you'll be up all night, plus I read somewhere coffee isn't good for pregnant women."

"I wasn't actually going to drink it, I just needed to do something to keep me busy." She says, as she puts the whipped cream back in the fridge.

"You were worried about how this was going to play out." I say, my guilt resurfacing.

"A little." She says.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jane." She says, and smiles at me.

Maura goes to bed earlier than normal, but I know that pregnant women are much more tired than normal more so in the first trimester.

When I climb into bed with her, I pull the blankets back, roll Maura over on her back. Placing my hand on her stomach, I rub in slow circles. It's hard to believe that there's a baby in there. Leaning forward, I press a kiss on her belly button then I tuck my head between her neck and shoulders with my arm holding her stomach, and I fall asleep that way.

The next morning since it's my day off Tommy ropes me into helping him move a giant dresser Ma gave to him. We're in Tommy's truck after leaving Ma's, and i'm rubbing my aching shoulder when Tommy starts talking.

"I thought I had it."

"Yeah, well, you're lucky I had my balance, otherwise I would have fallen down the stairs. Don't you have any friends? Any guys you work with to help you move this heavy ass shit?"

"You don't have to be such a baby about it. I said I was sorry, like ten times."

"I'm not being a baby, you dropped a two hundred and fifty pound solid wood dresser on me!" He didn't actually drop it, more like it slipped, but we should have had someone else helping us.

Aside from the occasional squeak of the brakes, silence fills the truck the rest of the drive. I feel like a kid again, having a silent contest. He's pissed at me when i'm the one who was slammed with the dresser. I'm not really mad, I get that his hands slipped, but that shit hurt.

When we get to his house the silent treatment is still in effect. We avoid eye contact as we carry the dresser to his bedroom. I accidentally push a little harder, making him stumble. Smirking, I do it again.

"Stop that shit!" He yells at me.

"How's it feel to have all this wood shoved at you?"

"For the last time, Jane, I said I was sorry! I told you I'd take bottom. If you would have taken top, I would have been the one with the huge piece of wood slammed into me, and I wouldn't have to listen to you!"

"I didn't want top! You're more flexible than me!"

"Next time, you don't have a choice, you're getting top, and i'll take bottom so the wood hits me!"

"Would you two like to be alone?"

Ma's voice filters through the room, and we both drop the dresser, muttering profanities. Her and Maura are in the archway, both shaking their heads.

"He dropped a dresser on me." I shout.

"I said I was sorry!"

We argue until a firm smack upside our heads echoes around the room.

"Jesus, Ma." Tommy and I both say, rubbing the back of our heads.

"I thought you two had outgrown these childish arguments."

I try to defend myself since i'm always the one in trouble, even though he started it, but the 'Mom look' she shoots in my direction has me snapping my mouth shut like i'm a kid again.

"Now, tell me what happened, so we can talk through it."

"Nah, it's all good. Right?"

The last thing I want is to get into a talk with Ma. We'd be here all day, and someone would end up crying. She has a way about her.

"Yeah. We're good." Tommy's fist taps mine a little harder than necessary, and I pat him on the back with a little too much force.

"Good, now that that's settled, let's get this thing moved."

Ma ended up not being much help, and neither Ma nor myself would allow Maura to help when Tommy suggests it. Neither one of mention Maura's pregnancy, I know my mother knows, but I don't know if Maura wants to announce it to everyone just yet. After it's in place, I ride back with Tommy to Ma's and Maura rides with Ma.

Ma invites us to stay for lunch, and we take her up on her offer. When she gets the lasagna finished and sets everything out, we all sit at the table. Before we can get started the doorbell rings.

Tommy gets up from his seat.

"I'm expecting someone."

I shrug and steal a piece of bread. I expect him to come back with some woman, but to my utter disbelief my father stands with him. He looks incredibly frail, but his eyes, the same brown as mine are still alert. His eyes slowly looks me over. He smiles at me weakly, the effects of the drugs and the cancer taking its toll.

I sit there frozen for several seconds.

"What the hell is this?" I turn my gaze on Tommy.

"I invited him, Ma said it was fine. He wants to see you Janie."

I can't believe he's doing this to me.

"Whatever let's just eat." I say.

They both sit, and the food gets passed around. No one says anything for most of the meal, until my father opens his mouth.

"You've always liked you mother's lasagna, remember when you were.."

"Great, now we are reminiscing down memory lane?" I say interrupting him.

"Jane." My mother says.

"No, Ma." I look at my father for the first time since he sat at the table. "You being here just reminds me how much you didn't care. Things were bad enough after...After you started drinking.." I stop and take a breath. "Do you even remember the things you put your kids through? What you did to your wife?" Tears form in my eyes. I blink them back. "You're selfish, and you're an asshole."

A part of him seems to shrink. Maybe its because of falling pride, maybe guilt, I don't know.

"You're right Jane, but i'm trying to change. I don't think you'll understand why I did those things."

"You don't think i'll understand? You haven't given me the chance to try and understand. I'm all grown up Pop. Or did you forget. I aged those eighteen years you were gone, so try me."

"You're not acting all grown up. Right now, you're throwing a fit like a five year old."

"Real mature, Pop. You're avoiding." I stare at him again. "You owe me an explanation."

"I owe you an apology." The guilt is apparent in his expression and that makes me happy. "I'm sorry for everything.."

"I don't care. Save your apologies for someone who does. Now let's eat, I've got some work I need to finish." I pick my fork back up and ignore him.

Frustration, anger, and defeat floats through the air. I try not to let it weigh me down as I finish eating. I will deal with my feelings for my father later, like always. Either that, or ignore them like always.


	29. Chapter 29

Maura's point of view.

After lunch, Frank leaves. Neither Jane nor Frank said a word to each other as he left.

I stare at Jane to figure out her mood.

"I love you." I say, slowly deliberately. I need her to hear that through whatever noise might be happening in her head.

I glance at Tommy. He takes a deep breath, and then his eyes meet mine. I square my shoulders and raise my eyebrows in a look that I hope says, are you happy now?

He just shrugs at me.

Jane ushers us out of the house a little later. Saying goodbye to her mother, but she ignores Tommy altogether.

Jane stands framed in doorway of my room, as I change into something more comfortable.

"How are you doing?" I ask, as I slip my shirt over my head.

"I'm good...It's just been a long day. And it got to me, i'm fine now."

"And you brother?"

"Should be a disney villain."

I exhale a laugh, even stressed she is remarkable.

After a moment she nods. "I know why he did that, I understand I guess."

That sounds ominous.

Jane's face takes on a depressingly shuttered look. Long seconds pass before she speaks. "I don't love my father Maura. I feel nothing for him." She meets my gaze, unblinking.

"But, Jane. He's you father."

"Maura." She exhales a clipped sigh. "You're a good person. A good, good person. So it's only natural that you approach the world with your inborn optimism. You have an enormous heart, and when you love, you love purely, you love with everything in you, and you expect the same intrinsic love from others. But not everyone loves that way, Maura. Not everyone sees the world the same way you do." She shoves a hand through her hair. "Some people are just fucked."

"People make mistakes…" I speak carefully, fully aware that I am dredging up painful memories, and treading very closely to an old wound. "But have you ever thought about forgiving him?"

"No." Her voice is firm, and a small muscle tightens her jaw. "Look, I know people make mistakes. But to forgive over and over again goes against all logic."

A moment passes and then another and she remains silent. I watch her, waiting for her to say something. Anything.

"He's obviously dying, and that hurts to see, but.." She trails off, biting down on her lower lip.

She stays silent for a while, while I wonder exactly what she's to say, read bewteen the lines.

"I don't want you to think i'm cold or unfeeling but…I didn't know the man I saw today. He wasn't my dad.I think..No, I know that I mourned him already. I lost my father when he started drinking and every time he did something to hurt me, I grieved again. Over and Over until I shut off my feelings and learned to cope on my own. The thing is, I spent all these years angry at him and hurt, and all that did was impact my own life. I resented him, and I didn't much like myself." She shakes her head her sadness palpable. "While driving home, today I thought back over my life, and I realized I cut myself off from people. From joy and happiness, afraid everyone would hurt me the way he did...Until you."

My breath hitches. Stops. Then starts again, along with the rapid beating of my heart. I don't want to read too much into what she just said, but the organ inside my chest, the one she already ows, isn't listening.

"I just." She starts again. "I want to move passed everything my father did, and what Hoyt did, and just live my life again. You know? I'm tired of living like this. I don't know if other people harden so much they're no longer alive, but I refuse to turn to stone. The pain in my life won't destroy me. I won't let it anymore.

The way she looks at me says everything. She means me, that she won't let any of that destroy what we have.

I nod. Understanding what she saying.

Later that night, we lay cuddled up on my bed. I can feel the warmth of Jane's hand against my stomach through my thin shirt, I think about how remarkable it is that at this very second a new life is forming inside me.

"Maura?" Jane says, breaking the silence in the room.

"Yes." I say, without hesitation.

She lift her head and searches my eyes for several seconds, rubbing her fingertips along my neck, moving them slowly. Something is happening and I don't understand what. She squeezes my hand, and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and takes a deep breath to steady herself.

"You saved me, you took a broken woman and revived her. No one else could do that. It was you, it's always been you, since the day you walked into my office." She swallows, nervously. I cup her jaw with one hand, as she smiles at me. "Then let me in, and let me stay."

"I want to." The fear in her eyes breaks my heart. "I'll always keep trying."

I shift my arms to lie on my forearms, my face now mere inches from hers.

"I'm going to kiss you now." I say.

Her pupils react ever so slightly as she toys with me. "It's about time."

I take my time getting closer and closer to her lips. Her eyes close as I move in closer and when my lips almost touch hers, I kiss her nose instead, and then her closed eyes. I follow with her cheeks, forehead, and across her jawline to her neck.

Her breathing grows erratic and her hands move to my forearms. She tries to hide it, but I feel her hips slightly seeking out my body. I finally kiss her lips and she moans, into my mouth. My hands slip under the fabric of her shorts. Her hands move up my arms and around my neck. She sets up as my hands slid under her shirt, helping me get it off, and then she does the same with mine.

Rolling me to my back, she kisses my mouth. Like a reflex, my legs bend at the knee as she nestles herself between my legs.

"Lift you hips." She say, her voice tight as her fingers fist on the sides of my sleep pants.

I obey and Jane takes my pants and underwear off and then stands, and I watch her as she shoves her shorts down. She steps free of them before making quick work of her black boxers briefs. And then without memory of her moving, she is between my legs again, mumbling something I can't make out, but that sounds pained and reverent and sweet all at the same time. Her skin is cool and she smells so perfectly like Jane, like night flowers and spice and treasures hidden in cedar boxes. I'm suddenly flying, soaring above the ground, beyond the reach of the ordinary word and all it petty concerns and everyday tragedies. I am above it all, and Jane is right there with me.


	30. Chapter 30

Maura's point of view.

Monday afternoon I walk into the doctor's office, and start filling out all the necessary forms. My eyes keep closing by their own will, but I force them to reopen and concentrate on the papers. I had only slept for a few hours the night before, trying to help Jane through what she was going to say today. She tried on more than one occasion to get me to go to sleep, but I didn't want her to do that on her own.

I open my purse and grab my phone. Jane said she was going to make it to this appointment, but I haven't heard from her since this morning. I finish the forms and give them back to the receptionist.

They make me pee in a cup again, and a nurse comes in and confirms what I already know. She checks my blood pressure, and goes over my medical history, when she asks about the father I try to explain Jane's situation to the best of my knowledge. She writes everything down and then asks me to take my skirt and panties off once she leaves. She hands me what looks like a giant paper towel to cover myself up with, and then she leaves me alone again.

I do as she asks after she leaves and then I sit on the bed table things they have in these rooms, and wait for the doctor to come in.

Jane comes in a few minutes later and I smile at her, I didn't want to do this alone and I was willing to admit that.

"I'm surprised you're not asleep." She says, as she takes my hand.

"I was waiting for you."

"How did it go?" I ask her.

She shrugs her shoulder. "It went well." She doesn't elaborate, and I don't push the subject.

She pats my thigh, and I lean back and feel my eyes close.

"When we get done here, well go home so you can take a nap."

I open my eyes and look at her. "That sounds like a plan."

"Congratulations on the baby!" The doctor says enthusiastically when she comes in, and I sit up.

She goes ever everything the nurse asked, and Jane is able to clear up some questions that I hadn't had answers for.

The doctor keeps talking, as she picks up a big wand and that's all I can see or think about.

"Today we're going to do a vaginal ultrasound, but it may be too early to see much of anything, so don't worry if we don't see much.

I nod, as I watch as she comes over closer with it. I let out a deep breath as she lifts my gown, and Jane squeezes my hand.

The doctor takes several minutes measuring what appears to be a tiny dot on the screen, and I watch mesmerized.

When she pushes a button and the quiet room fills with the sound of a baby's heart beat everything changes. This makes it feel even more real. This is my baby, our baby.

I look over at Jane, she's staring at the screen with a smile on her face.

"I'll be damned. My boys can swim." Jane chuckles to herself, and I can't hold back my laughter at her words.

The doctor gives me some papers, prenatal vitamins, and the time to come back in the next few weeks. We walk out of the doctor's office hand in hand. Jane has the printed out picture of our baby we were given, she keeps looking at it, and smiling.

When we get back to my house I go up stairs to my bedroom, and change into one of Jane's old jersey's and shorts, then climb into my bed. Jane lays next to me, and grabs my hand, and I turn on my side and look at her.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"No." She answers honestly. "But I feel better. It's weird telling strangers my story, but the more I talk about it the better I feel."

I nod, closing my eyes. Jane holds my hand as I fall asleep almost immediately.

When I wake up, a couple of hours later I still feel her warm hand in mine, she's laying on her back, with the sonogram picture in her other hand. She seems so peaceful that I don't want to disturb her, but she turns her head towards me like she knew i'm awake. Her usual smile spreads across her face.

"How did you sleep?" She whispers.

I run my hand through my hair then wipe the sleep from my eyes. "Good, actually." I say quietly.

"Good." She says.

She turns to face me placing the picture between us.

"While you were asleep Sarah contacted me."

"Why?" I ask.

"The trail has been set sooner than she thought it would be."

"When?"

"Two weeks from today, but she won't need me until two or three days in."

"Do you want to go when it starts?" I ask.

"I don't know."

We lay in silence for a while, until I pick up the picture that's between us.

"What were you thinking about when you were looking at this?" I ask.

"That I want to do right by you and the baby."

"You are Jane."

"That's not...I just...You once told me I was a good person, and I could have laughed then if I didn't hope so desperately for it to be true. My father told me a lot of things, and when you hear something long enough, you start believing it's true. It's in my blood, after all. Poisoned. worthless. It would burn at me through the long nights, all the guilt and failure. A heavy fire that never seemed to die away, until I fell in love with you. Now I know there's goodness in the world, and I want to do everything I can for you and this baby."

"Jane." I say, running my hands through her hair wondering if she realizes what she just told me. "You are."

"Then let's do this right, Maura."

"What do you mean?"

"Get married."

"That's what all this is about?" I sit up on the bed. Not mad just surprised.

Jane sits up with me. "Yes, I know I can make you happy, Maura. I know you don't want the money or the big house but my heart is big and I swear to you it's all yours. I won't always be perfect, I know this, but I promise you i'd never let you feel less than the beautiful woman you are to me."

I don't know what to say when she stops speaking. I just stare at her.

She cups my face with her hands. "I'm in love with you, Maura."

Even though she's practically told me this twice in the last five minutes I can't help, but feel such an overwhelming feeling of pure love for this woman when she finally actually says what I've been wishing for for months.

She waits for me to give her an answer, while softly rubbing her thumbs on my cheeks.

"I don't want anything big." I finally say.

"You got it." Jane says chuckling.

AN-This story is almost at its end, probably two maybe three chapters left. I'm excited to finish it up, but I don't know what i'll do with myself when I get it finished. Lol


	31. Chapter 31

Jane's point of view.

"Are you ready, Jane?" Frankie holds out his hand. I want to lock the car and hide in it until, we'll until it's over.

Numbness. That's all I feel. My eyes heavy, My body reprimanding for not sleeping the night before.

Maura watches me carefully as I reach out my hand to Frankie and step out of the car.

"I'm ready."

I stand outside the courthouse for several seconds, trying to control my breathing.

Sarah meets us as we walk into the building. She takes us all to a small room that has a few chairs and a wood table in it.

I lean against the window and concentrate on breathing. My stomach is in knots. I'm not ready for this. Maura wraps her arms around me. It's as if she understands what i'm thinking. How on earth can I go in there and face him when even the thought of it makes me panic.

I mentally count down the minutes until I have to see him. My eyes sting, and bile rises up my throat. Someone opens the door, I pull back and Maura frowns. I don't look up, but I see Sarah nod and know that is our cue. Oh God. Sarah smiles reassuringly.

"Are you ready?" No, not at all. I nod in a daze.

I don't look at my family or Maura as I follow Sarah. I can't look back. I force my feet to follow her. I follow her through the other door in the room and across a corridor into the courtroom. I step inside, and my hands start to shake. I am on my own now. My eyes immediately scan the rows of seats. Finally I find Maura just sitting down at the end closest to where I am at.

"Are you okay?" Sarah whispers. I nod once in response.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Hoyt staring at me. I have to look at him. With a deep breath, I look to my right. Very slowly, I raise my eyes and meet his. I feel as if the air has been sucked from my lungs. The only noise I can hear is my pulse crashing in my ears. Sarah steps a meter away from me, and I pull my eyes away from Hoyt to look at her.

"Are you okay?" She asks again.

I nod, and she starts.

"Can you state your full name?"

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli."

"And how old are you?"

"Twenty eight."

She asks a few more straightforward, everyday questions. And then things turn more serious. Sarah straightens her back and glances at the judge and jury. No turning back now. Taking a deep breath, I focus on the end goal. Getting justice for the damage Hoyt caused.

"Ms. Rizzoli, do you understand why we are here?" Sarah asks. Her voice projects authority and confidence.

"Yes." I reply. My voice doesn't sound like my own.

I can feel Hoyt watching me, burning a hole in the side of my head. It makes me feel weak.

Sarah reads out a list if the charges and asks if I understand them.

"Causing or inciting child porography, production of indecent photographs of children, possession of indecent photographs of children, causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity, and sexual assault on a child."

"Yes. I Understand the charges."

"Ms. Rizzoli." She starts again. "You were twelve when you started seeing Mr. Hoyt as your therapist?"

My heart crashes in my chest. "Yes."

"Why did you start seeing him?"

"My mother thought it would be good for me." My eyes find my mother's. A deep frown dominates her face. She looks so tortured it makes my heart sink. In this moment I want to take it all back tell them I made it all up. I would do anything to never see her look so painfully sad ever again.

"Why did your mother want you to start seeing a therapist?" Sarah asks, and I look back at her.

"My parents were getting divorced, she thought I was messed up over that and my condition."

"What condition do you have?"

I hesitate. I know this is important to the case but I hate having to air out all my secrets to all these strangers.

"I'm intersex."

"Would you describe what intersex means for the people who don't know?"

"Intersex is used to describe people who are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that does not fit the typical definition of female or male."

"What characteristics make you intersex?"

"I was born with male genitals."

"Ms. Rizzoli, do you recall the first time Mr. Hoyt touched you inappropriately?"

"Yes."

"To the best of your memory, can you tell is exactly what happened?"

My stomach turn, and I squeeze my eyes shut. "Yes." I gulp. "At first he just asked about my condition, he was very interested in it." I take a deep breath and swallow hard. I can hear the blood pumping in my ears. Clenching my hands into fists, I continue. "But after a few sessions he started to touch me over my clothes."

"Can you tell us where?"

"My genitals."

"When did it go further than just touching you over your clothes?"

"The next session."

"Will you tell us what happened at your next session?"

I clench my jaw, and open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I look over at Maura, who nods and smiles reassuringly. I look back to Sarah and answer her question.

I answer every question Sarah asks about what Hoyt did to me. When the hard part is finished she goes a different direction.

"Ms. Rizzoli, why did it take you so long to come forward?"

It must seem odd to people that I hadn't spoken out earlier, but I knew this isn't unusual for someone who'd suffered abuse.

"I was scared." I whisper.

"And what changed your mind?"

"I didn't want to go through the rest of my life afraid of him."

Sarah turns to the judge. "No further questions. Your Honor."

As soon as I step outside the room, I feel a rush of oxygen fill my lungs. I close my eyes and concentrate on relaxing my body, which is knotted with tension.

"You did great, Jane." Sarah says softly. "I think your family is waiting for us outside the door." She squeezes the top of my arm and smiles. "You really did do well. You should be so proud of yourself."

"Thank you. Let's go meet them." I follow Sarah out of the room and into the hallway. My mother, brothers, and Maura are waiting for me. I stop and try to force a smile onto my face.

Frankie grabs me first, pulling me into a tight hug. "You did amazing in there, I'm so proud of you."

I clench my shaking hands around his back.

Tommy hugs me next, practically pulling me out of Fankie's arms. I sink into my brothers embrace feeling safe and protected.

"You're okay now." He whispers in my ear. I am, almost.

I pull away from Tommy and Ma looks at me. Her whole posture is tense and her jaw is clenched. I know she is struggling with what she heard in there. Later I will need to sit down and talk to her, apologize.

She hugs me. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She mumbles.

"For what?"

"For letting that happen to you. I should have known. I should have stopped it."

"Dont. None of it was your fault. Please don't ever blame yourself. It's going to be okay now." I say, even though we've gone over this before.

"Okay?" She repeats.

"It has to be. I won't be the victim anymore."

She shakes her head, staring at me.

"You're amazing. I don't know how you can be so calm. I want to kill him."

I shrug. "I tried that."

She almost smiles as her eyes flickers in shock, and I laugh.

I step away from my mother to find Maura. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I push past everyone that is in between us. We don't say anything to each other when I get to her, but she puts her arms around me and my heart opens up and I feel it all. Every single emotion that's ever been inside me starts pumping through my veins. The good, the bad, the painfulness, the heartache, the loneliness, the happiness, the need, the knowing that there's more out there to life than what I grew up with, for the first time in my life, I feel it all and tell myself that in the end, i'll still be okay.

"Ready to get out of here?" She asks.

"Definitely."


	32. Chapter 32

Jane's point of view.

Hoyt's lawyer, Oliver Maxwell, is such an intimidating man. He makes me feel like a child. His face is hard with angular lines. Everything about him screams i'm going to break you.

Frankie and Tommy didn't say much yesterday after watching Hoyt on the stand with Maxwell, and I wonder if that's a good thing or bad thing.

Maxwell steps in front of me. He isn't even that close, but it feels as if he is just an inch from my face. I look at him straight on.

"Ms. Rizzoli, you said the alleged abuse lasted for three years, until you stopped seeing him?"

Being on the stand means that I am slightly higher than him, so I use that to my advantage and straighten my back, forcing him to look up at me.

"That's correct." I say.

"You also claim that if you didn't do as Mr. Hoyt asked he would cut you with his knife, is that correct?"

"Yes." I reply.

Without blinking, he fires off the next question.

"If that's true how did you hide it? Did your mother take you to and from your sessions?"

"She did at first, but she had to work a lot, so I walked there and back most time. And he'd make sure they weren't visible."

He starts walking towards the jury. "So you could have stopped going long before you did and your mother never would have know?"

"Yes." I say cautiously, knowing this can't be leading anywhere good.

"I see. Why did you keep going?"

"He said I had to."

"Because you said he would threaten you. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Between the start of the alleged abuse and when you stopped seeing Mr. Hoyt you could have something about it. Is that correct?"

"Yes, I guess I…"

"Why didn't you?" He fires before I can finish.

"I was terrified of him."

"Ms. Rizzoli, did your mother pay you a lot of attention when you were a child?"

What kind of question is that?

"Yes, of course." I say.

He nods and swiftly moves to his next question.

"Did you like it when she paid attention to you?"

"Yes."

"Mmm. And when you had to go to therapy you liked the attention you got, didn't you?"

My face falls. That's where he is going.

"No, that's not how it was."

Patronising, word twisting bastard. I think.

"You just said you liked the attention, and you never stopped going even though you knew you could."

"No." I growl through my teeth. Sarah looks up and widens her eyes, warning me to remain calm. I need to, but I can't help it.

Keeping calm is almost impossible. I hate that anyone can even suggest I am lying about it. All I ever wanted was a happy, normal childhood. I never wanted any of this.

"I didn't keep going to get my mother's attention." I whisper, and look to the jury. Please believe me.

Maxwell turns on his heel and takes a few steps towards the jury. He has been walking around the whole time. He seems so at ease here, as if this is his house and we are his guests.

"Are you bringing these claims against Mr. Hoyt now to get attention?"

My heart drops to my feet. I know what they are trying to say. No one will believe me, it'll be just like he said. Doing this was a mistake. A stray tear rolls down my cheek, and I angrily wipe it away. I am so stupid.

I look at him coldly. "If that's what you think you're naive or ignorant, or I don't know

what."

Sarah stands up. "Can we please have a five minute break."

Maxwell turns towards the judge.

"We don't need a break, I have no further questions your Honor."

Jordan, Sarah's colleague, comes over to me and gestures towards the exit.

"Follow me please." I step down and follow him into the room Sarah brought me in before.

"What now?" I ask Jordan.

"I'm not sure. We'll just have to wait for Sarah. Can I get you something?

"No." I say.

"Jane." Sarah says when she comes in a few minutes later. "You did great in there, but I am going to have to show those photographs now."

I nod and run my fingers through my hair. "I know."

The next day the crowd inside the courtroom seems to have grown and the looks they give me are worse than ever. There really is no need for me to be here. I had testified, given my performance and there was nothing left I could do.

I take the seat next to Maura while my mother speaks with Sarah. I don't care to know about their conversation.

Hoyt doesn't look at me as he enters the courtroom, but I stare at him. He seems to have changed overnight. The confidence is gone and he looks at the ground. He still doesn't appear remorseful. Not that I have ever expected him to feel that way.

The guard un-cuffs Hoyt's hands and he twist his wrists to regain the lost feeling. He looks at the clerk of the court while he swears his oath. It isn't until he starts to take his seat that I feel Maura's hand cover mine. I look down and realize I have been gripping her arm tight enough for it to turn bright red. I glance at her and give her an apologetic smile which she returns with a skeptical frown.

"I'm fine." I whisper.

"We can leave." She reminds me.

I shake my head and take her hand, careful not to squeeze too tight. But as I turn my attention back to Hoyt I know my grip must feel like a vise. He's staring right at me. I blink, just once, mostly out of pure shock. Even though we are surrounded by people, even though he's being judged by hundreds of eyes, and even though he knows it's wrong, he allows this short moment to pass between us. I know he can read my face like a neon billboard sign, I know he senses the fear in me.

I have to use every last bit of my willpower to keep myself from leaving the courtroom as Sarah cross examines Hoyt.

"Mr. Hoyt." Sarah starts. "How did you feel when you first heard the claims Jane Rizzoli brought against you?"

"Devastated. Shocked. Confused." He speaks fluently and calmly.

"Why?"

Hoyt nods and very swiftly replies. "I felt like we had a bond."

"What do you mean when you say bond?"

"It's not unethical for me to form some kind of bond with my clients. spending so much time with them, it's easy to do."

"So you formed a bond with a twelve year old girl?"

Charles smiles his award winning smile. "She needed one on one time, every child does, but Jane was different I think she craved the attention because of her situation at home. She had siblings, her parents were divorcing because of her, she just needed someone to give her attention."

"Liar." I growl under my breath, and Maura squeezes my hand.

"When she decided to stop seeing you how did that affect you?"

"It was difficult to say the least. I was desperate to help her and I put everything into finding out why she didn't want my help anymore. I lost work because I was so preoccupied in finding out why. I didn't know how to help. I've not had a full night's sleep since she stopped seeing me."

"Probably worrying I would say something." I mutter in disgust under my breath.

"Mr. Hoyt, did you sexually abuse her?"

"No." Hoyt replies, appalled. "Absolutely not."

I stand from my seat and walk to the doors of the courtroom I can't sit here and listen to anymore of his lies.

I find a bench outside the courtroom and sit to wait on Maura, and my mother. It takes Maura only a few minutes to follow me out, she sits and holds my hand until my mother comes out.

Both Sarah and Maxwell do their closing arguments over the course of the next couple of days, but I don't go. I had seen and heard enough. I'm ready for all this to be over.

Into the following week Maura and I go to my mother's house while we wait for Sarah to call us while we wait for the jury to come to a decision.

"How are you doing, honey?" Ma asks, she hasn't moved an inch since we sat down. It's as if she is made of stone.

"Um, I don't know." I answer honestly.

Ma nods, and Maura grips my hand, and we fall silent again. I feel sick.

Three hours later, Sarah calls. In that time we had quietly drank too many hot drinks and entered in a few light conversations.

"The jury has reached their decision." Sarah tells me over the phone.

"Already?" I say, and jump up.

"Yes, are you going to be here for that?" She asks.

"Of course, we'll be there soon." I say, and hang up.

We head towards the door, but before I can step out Ma pulls me into a hug

"No matter what happens, it'll be fine." She tells me.

"Yes, it will be." I say, and for the first time I truly believe it.

When we get to the courthouse we walk with Sarah into the courtroom. She quickly runs through what will happen and how the judge will ask for the jury's decision on each individual charge.

We take our seats. I sit between Maura and Ma.

"Have the ladies and gentlemen of the jury reached their decision?" The judge asks, her voice business like and intimidating.

A tall lady with long grey hair and bright lipstick stands up.

"Yes, we have, your Honor." I take a deep breath. My palms start to sweat.

"On the charge of causing or inciting child prostitution or pornograhy, how do you find the defendant?"

"Guilty."

The air leaves my lungs in a rush.

"On the charge of holding indecent photographs of a child, how do you find the defendant."

"Guilty."

"On the charge of abuse of position of trust, causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity, how do you find the defendant?"

"Guilty."

"On the charge of sexual assault on a child, how do you find the defendant?"

"Guilty."

I let out a breath that I feel like i've been holding in for years. Guilty on all charges. The jury believed me.

I dont know whos arms come around me because I am too busy staring at Hoyt as he is being led away. He looks up, our eyes meet, and there is nothing. His expression is empty. My heart is beating at a hundred miles an hour and I want to run, but I hold his gaze, refusing to back down.

"Honey?" Ma whispers.

"It's okay now, Ma." I whisper back.

AN-I know this might feel a bit rushed, but I am going to be out of pocket for the next few weeks and I didn't want to leave you guys hanging, so I wanted to get this done and posted, and i'll be posting the last chapter in a few hours.


	33. Chapter 33

Maura's point of view.

seven months later.

I'm in labor. My water broke right in the middle of a restaurant. Jane left me standing because she lost her ever loving mind when she saw that it was time. Her face turned white as snow and her mouth fell open. She stared at me like the baby was going to come out at any moment.

She comes back a second later, and takes my hand. She leads me out to her car, her hands shaking as she does so. She opens the car door and when she goes to help me in I bend over as the first contraction hits.

"Oh shit, is that suppose to happen?" She asks, wandering her hands all over my body like she can fix it and it irritates me.

"Get your hands off of me." I hiss and glare at her.

She jumps back holding her hands up in the air. "But, I need to help you in the car." She tries to reason with me. Sighing, I lift my arms so she can help me.

Once I'm sitting on the soft leather seats I lean back to relax. Jane runs across the front of the vehicle and jumps in. She puts the key in the ignition and leaves the parking lot as fast as she can.

Another contraction hits, and I grip my stomach and hold my hand against the window.

"I'm sorry." Jane says, and tries to take my hand, but I jerk away again.

I groan as the contraction starts to fade. Jane doesn't say anything else and I start to feel bad.

"I'm sorry, Jane. It just really hurts." I tell her.

"I know." Jane says, and I see the bright lights of the hospital up ahead, as I feel another contraction start to build.

I grab Jane's hand and squeeze. Maybe a little too hard because she tries to pull away.

When we pull into the hospital parking lot Jane holds her injured hand, and opens the car door and runs inside to get a wheelchair, nurse, or whatever.

"Push!" The doctor yells at me eight long hours later.

9, 8, 7, the nurse counts down for the umpteenth time. Jane is holding my hand with one hand while the other is holding my leg back.

"You're doing great Maura." Jane kisses my sweat covered forehead.

I bit my lip at the pain. Tears run down my face. "One last time." The doctor says. "Push."

The nurse counts down again, and then I feel when the baby leaves my body.

"It's a boy!" The doctor says, and then she places him on my stomach and I start to laugh, I touch his little forehead. God, he's so beautiful.

I look up at Jane, and she leans down and kisses my temple. "He's beautiful, just like you." She says.

Hours later after Jane's family leaves and it's just us again, I watch Jane with our son. She's holding him against her chest with a content smile on her face. When he starts to stir and cry, Jane sits on the edge of my bed with me, and I grab his bottle and hand it to Jane. I run my finger across his chubby cheeks, as Jane feeds him.

"We make beautiful babies, Maura." Jane tells me in amazement as she looks down at him.

"Yes we do." I say, as I watch Jane with him.

"What are we going to name him?" Jane asks a few minutes later.

"I was thinking Theodore."

Jane's face crunches up. "I don't like it."

"We'll be here until he's in high school at this rate." I say.

"We'll figure it out." She says.

Jane's point of view.

Six weeks later.

"No." Maura whines. "I'm so tired." She slides her arm from over her eyes with a smile on her lips.

"It's okay, i'll get him" I say.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

I kiss Maura on her bare stomach before I throw on a pair of sweats and walk down the hall to Theo's room.

"How's my little man?" I stare down at my perfect six week old son in his crib. His hair is dark like mine, but his eyes are the same as Maura's. I lose a piece of my heart everytime I look at him.

Theo Benjamin Isles-Rizzoli aside from Maura is the absolute best thing in my life.

"Are you hungry?" I gently pick him up and cradle his tiny body against me, resting his head under my chin. I kiss his cheeks as I lay him on the changing table. "Let's get you changed, Momma's waiting for you."

With a quickness I don't know I possess, I change his diaper before he realizes he hasn't been fed yet. I hold him in one arm, gently swaying him back to our bedroom. It's amazing how the two loves of my life fit in my arms so differently, yet so perfect.

When I walk in, Maura is on her side, and her eyes are closed. I watch her for a minute, her breaths are slow and steady, and I realize she has fallen back to sleep.

I still question everyday how I got so lucky to be with the most beautiful, kind, loving woman in the world. I'm not sure how long I stand there, but Theo starts squirming around and starts to cry. I try to calm him, walking towards the kitchen. Laughter escapes me when I realize i'm bouncing with every step.

"It's okay, little man. You're hungry aren't you?" He slept for almost four hours straight, which is something he hasn't done before.

"Let's get you a bottle."

I warm the water and add formula, testing the temperature on my wrist. He starts crying louder. I walk back to his room and lay him in my arm, and hold the bottle in my opposite hand, and him close in the rocking chair. When his eyes start to close, I take the opportunity to rest mine. Once he falls asleep, I wipe the formula from his chin before carefully laying him back in his crib. Leaning down, I kiss his cheek.

"Be good for you momma. Love you." I whisper.

I tiptoe out of his room and stand outside the door for a minute making sure he's really asleep. I quietly slip into the master bathroom and take a shower. After I get dressed, I look at the clock and curse under my breath. Hating to wake Maura up but knowing I can't leave without saying goodbye, I sit on the edge of the bed next to her and brush some hair off her face.

"Hey, I've gotta go." She stirs and without opening her eyes, leans up and gives me a crappy kiss, before plopping her head down and rolling over. I laugh and roll her back over, and kiss her again and rest my forehead on hers.

"I'll miss you." I say.

"You too."

She rolls back over, and I pull the covers up. As I reach the door, she calls for me. I turn around.

"I love you." she says.

"I love you too."

Harrison drives me to my destination. I stare out the window nervous as the seconds tick by. As we pull up to one of the entrances of the concrete, grey stoned hospital, I just sit in the back seat and when he parks I look up at him as he looks back at me through the rear view mirror. "I don't know if I should do this."

"You've come all this way." He murmurs quietly. "You can do this."

I nod, and step out of the car, Harrison who usually doesn't follow me in anywhere gets out with me, and walks beside me.

I go to reception and ask for my father's room. When we find room 308 I let out a shaky breath.

"Ready?" Harrison asks.

As i'll ever be I think, and nod. Harrison opens the door and gestures for me to walk inside. He accompanies me, standing by the wall his gaze never wavering.

My father's gaze, watery and sad, locks with mine, and I walk slowly over to the bed.

"Hi." I say, having a hard time finding my voice.

"Hi, princess."

I flinch at the childhood name I haven't heard in what feels like forever. Not since before he started drinking.

He breathes shallowly as he gathers his strength.

"Thank you for coming."

I manage a nod. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to come around."

His lips thin into a line. "It's nothing more or less than what I deserve, for what I did, not just to your mother but for what I did to you."

My throat is too full to speak, so I merely shake my head, gathering my composure and ability to talk. I clear my throat. "You don't…" I swallow hard. "I forgive you." I say, knowing it's true.

"Janie, I…"

"No. Don't say anything. Please." I don't want to hear it. I don't want to relive anything or remember the past. "Let forgiveness be enough."

I reach out for his worn, leathery hand. Sadness fills me, but oddly I don't feel the loss the way I thought I would. I've already grieved, mourned, lived with the emptiness my entire life.

"Thank you." He says.

I nod, not letting go. I sit with him until he falls asleep, then watch him for a while more. Finally I rise to my feet. And with one last glance, I leave and head home to my wife, and our son. With the knowledge that I can be happy, my childhood will not ruin the best part of my life, because I won't let it.

The End.

AN- I just want to say this before I get into anything else. If you have ever been abused maybe it was emotionally or physically or sexually, whatever the case might be, do not let it ruin your life or dominate a huge portion of it. I'm not telling you to forget it cause that'll never happen, but try your damndest to overcome it. I'm saying all this because I let my childhood ruin a good amount of my life, and I regret that with everything in me, because in doing that I let the man who destroyed my childhood also destroy the good things in my life, and I always wondered if that meant he won the game? But it's never too late to hit replay.

Moving passed that, I want to thank everyone who reviewed this story, you guys really motivated me to keep going with it, and I appreciate all your kind and sweets words. And I am thinking about a sequel, but I make no promises.

And last but not least to the guest reviewer who never wanted me to finish this story I am so sorry I hope you stay sane, just message me and I can send you a whole list of things I wrote for this story but never used. Lol

Anyways this had been so much fun, and I hope to do it again soon.


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